Giddy. Excited. Butterflies. Primping. I remember those feelings as a teenager getting ready for a big date. Friday afternoon as I was showering, I was thankful to realize that I still feel all of those things when I am getting ready for a date with my husband of nearly 17 years. I still get excited about going away with him. I am still giddy, even knowing that I got the guy.
Our evening began with a less than stellar event. We were about two blocks from the house when we heard a very loud, "Kerthump," and the car stalled out. I have been through this twice before, both times alone in a mini van full of children on a major highway in Fort Worth. So I say, "Transmission. Crap." My husband throws it into reverse, the only way the suburban would still drive. We returned home by backing down the street, circling the cul-de-sac, and backing into the driveway. I couldn't help laughing about driving in reverse. It struck me as funny. I didn't see Shawn laughing.
We grabbed the keys to the other car and headed out again, determined not to be side tracked from our amazing evening. As we neared Dallas, Shawn let me choose where to eat. I debated about Olive Garden, but finally suggested The Magic Time Machine. We had heard such good things about it from friends. My bad!
1. They seated us in a narrow walkway so that people couldn't get past Shawn, so we had to ask for a different table. Hello- don't seat large people in tiny thorough-fares. It's embarrassing to have to say, "I'm too big to sit here."
2. Our waiter, Prince Charming, was less than charming. He repeatedly told us he was paid crap, his job was crap, and he didn't bother refilling our drinks.
3. The food sucked. My chicken parmesan was rubbery - you know how chicken is when it's been microwaved too long. I had a better chicken parmesan last week in a Lean Cuisine meal. For less than $3. Shawn's shrimp was tough and slightly freezer burnt. The food was bad enough that we could not even manage to finish our food.
4. Shawn mentioned the bad food to our waiter. He rolled his eyes and said, "I get that alot." REALLY!
To fully understand this experience, you have to know that Shawn loves good food. As in, he absolutely adores it. When he eats really good food, he makes rather loud happy noises. (Think "When Harry Met Sally") When he eats bad food, well, it's not pretty. His evening was pretty much ruined at that point. His favorite part of Valentine's Day, by far, is the good food. There was no redemption of the evening for him.
We spent the night at The Westin, a really nice hotel in Dallas. I was excited that it was an improvement over last year's microtel. They were even playing Norah over the speakers in the lobby. I enjoyed staying in the nice hotel, and we had a great breakfast from Panera on the way home this morning. Over all, it was not one of our best getaways (transmission and bad food kind of sucked it up). However, it was still better than last year's WinStar and Microtel. It was good to spend time alone with my husband.
Maybe next year we should just send the kids away and eat our own really good food cooked in our own kitchen and sleep in our own bed.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Valentine's Week
"What? You wanted a card? Why didn't you say so? You could have picked one up at the store. I would have signed it for you." Meet my husband - about 7 years ago on Valentine's Day. He was not romantic. He wasn't necessarily unloving, he just didn't "get it" about how to love a woman. He assumed that I knew he loved me just because he had married me many years ago. For example, on our 10th anniversary he offered to swing by the drive-through at Taco Bell.
Expectations can destroy a relationship. I had huge expectations about getting swept off my feet. I believed the Hollywood and Disney version of marriage. I absolutely expected "Happily Ever After." When I married, I expected to get blown away by romance. I thought my husband would always gaze at me with goo goo eyes. I thought he would wow me daily with romantic gestures. Then real life hit pretty hard. We were swamped with ministry, we had kids, and life was busy.
My husband had huge expectations as well. He expected "Leave it to Beaver." He thought that a loving wife always had supper on the table. She kept a perfect house, handled the children patiently, and allowed her hard-working husband to come home at night to his castle, prop his feet up in his favorite chair and watch T.V. in silence. Was he in for a shock! I stunk at all those things. I am well known for kitchen fires when I cook, I hate to clean, and I was not cool with my husband disengaging in the evening and ignoring me and the kids.
For many years we were both extremely dissatisfied with our relationship. I will say that my husband was the first to make an effort to change. My husband has learned in recent years how to love me. The way that I understand love is not necessarily the way that he naturally expresses love. It takes hard work on his part. That's what makes it so beautiful. For example, he now does Valentine's week instead of just Valentine's Day. I look forward to this holiday all year.
This year Shawn has written me a love letter every day. He has spent each day writing to me about why he finds me beautiful. The letters have addressed physical traits, personality traits, and spiritual traits. As with most women, I struggle with my self worth. It is refreshing and touching to know that my husband dwells on my beauty and thinks about me during the day. (Read - I cried a lot when I read the letters)
There have been gifts and special meals and candy, but I think the most touching gift was a music download. After I was asleep the other night, Shawn stole my phone and added new music. Some was just fun, but he added a song that he thinks describes who I have become. I didn't know what to expect when I listened, but I was honored beyond words. You see, he downloaded Leeland's "Tears of the Saints". It's a song about doing whatever it takes to reach the hurting and the damaged and the lost.
Tonight we celebrate Valentine's Day. He has arranged the baby sitter, made the reservations, and all I have to do is pack my suitcase and show up. This is a man who is living proof that you can learn how to be romantic. It can be an acquired skill if you are willing to work hard to love your wife.
I work much harder now as well at loving my husband. It is still true that I rarely cook, but I do try a little harder to clean the house. But I have also learned to build my husband up with my words. I have learned that he needs me to be impressed with him and to express that openly. I have learned about unconditionally respecting him in public, and also when we are alone. I have learned to speak to him in ways that communicate my needs and desires, without yelling, or being accusatory.
I firmly believe that with a lot of hard work and a lot of God's grace, we have discovered a love that is much better, deeper, and stronger than the "happily ever after" I was looking for.
Expectations can destroy a relationship. I had huge expectations about getting swept off my feet. I believed the Hollywood and Disney version of marriage. I absolutely expected "Happily Ever After." When I married, I expected to get blown away by romance. I thought my husband would always gaze at me with goo goo eyes. I thought he would wow me daily with romantic gestures. Then real life hit pretty hard. We were swamped with ministry, we had kids, and life was busy.
My husband had huge expectations as well. He expected "Leave it to Beaver." He thought that a loving wife always had supper on the table. She kept a perfect house, handled the children patiently, and allowed her hard-working husband to come home at night to his castle, prop his feet up in his favorite chair and watch T.V. in silence. Was he in for a shock! I stunk at all those things. I am well known for kitchen fires when I cook, I hate to clean, and I was not cool with my husband disengaging in the evening and ignoring me and the kids.
For many years we were both extremely dissatisfied with our relationship. I will say that my husband was the first to make an effort to change. My husband has learned in recent years how to love me. The way that I understand love is not necessarily the way that he naturally expresses love. It takes hard work on his part. That's what makes it so beautiful. For example, he now does Valentine's week instead of just Valentine's Day. I look forward to this holiday all year.
This year Shawn has written me a love letter every day. He has spent each day writing to me about why he finds me beautiful. The letters have addressed physical traits, personality traits, and spiritual traits. As with most women, I struggle with my self worth. It is refreshing and touching to know that my husband dwells on my beauty and thinks about me during the day. (Read - I cried a lot when I read the letters)
There have been gifts and special meals and candy, but I think the most touching gift was a music download. After I was asleep the other night, Shawn stole my phone and added new music. Some was just fun, but he added a song that he thinks describes who I have become. I didn't know what to expect when I listened, but I was honored beyond words. You see, he downloaded Leeland's "Tears of the Saints". It's a song about doing whatever it takes to reach the hurting and the damaged and the lost.
Tonight we celebrate Valentine's Day. He has arranged the baby sitter, made the reservations, and all I have to do is pack my suitcase and show up. This is a man who is living proof that you can learn how to be romantic. It can be an acquired skill if you are willing to work hard to love your wife.
I work much harder now as well at loving my husband. It is still true that I rarely cook, but I do try a little harder to clean the house. But I have also learned to build my husband up with my words. I have learned that he needs me to be impressed with him and to express that openly. I have learned about unconditionally respecting him in public, and also when we are alone. I have learned to speak to him in ways that communicate my needs and desires, without yelling, or being accusatory.
I firmly believe that with a lot of hard work and a lot of God's grace, we have discovered a love that is much better, deeper, and stronger than the "happily ever after" I was looking for.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Monday Morning Update 2.8.10
God was certainly present at The Crossroads yesterday. I am blown away every week as more and more people pour in. Families continue to come who have never been to church, or who were burned badly years ago, or who have simply fallen out of the habit of attending since they have moved to Anna. This week we hit another record attendance. We had 66 people just in children's! That number has doubled since September.
Shawn did a great job with a sermon on tithing. I love how he focuses on how tithing is an opportunity to be a part of God's plan. He doesn't discuss budget shortfalls, or try to guilt people into giving. I liked that he met people where they were on giving. Many people that we are reaching have maxed out their credit cards, bought a home they cannot afford, drive vehicles out of their price range, and are drowning in debt. Shawn told people that he thinks they can give 10 percent, but if they just absolutely can't do that to begin with a smaller number. If you think you can give 1 percent, then stretch yourself and give 2. Then at the end of the year, raise that number. Don't not give just because you can't give 10 percent.
Of course, I bawled like a baby. Shawn shared one of the many amazing stories of God's provision from our early marriage. We were in school full time, paying our own way. He was on staff at a church that was paying a very small part time salary. One week we ran out of food. I'm sure there were a few staples in the cabinet, but we did not have anything left to cook for a meal. We could not go to the store until payday, but we thought "people fast for 3 days all the time, we are not going to starve." We went to a meeting at church that night and Butch Sorters, a man that was not a close friend at the time, approached us at the end of the meeting and invited us home for supper. His wife was furious with him when we showed up. Her house wasn't clean, and they were just eating hamburger helper, or something similar. She enjoyed visiting with us, but she was bothered by not having prepared for company.
After we ate, Butch offered us some food from their freezer. We saw God very literally meet our need. Butch had no idea that we had run out of money and had no food left to eat. He had never invited us over and actually never invited us again. But on that night, he was obedient when God told him to invite us to eat. Even though he knew the house wasn't clean. Because he obeyed, we were not hungry. It makes me wonder how often I miss out on meeting other people's needs when I refuse to be hospitable because my house is messy. That night, we did not care that their house wasn't perfect. We were grateful beyond words that God was feeding his hungry children.
Worship was beautiful this week. God spoke volumes to me as we worshiped. It is beyond my comprehension that the God who created the oceans, the mountains, and the stars, wants and values a very intimate and personal relationship with me.
As you read this, spend a few minutes in prayer for The Crossroads. We have several families who have been hit hard this week. Spiritual warfare is a very real thing. I am burdened heavily this morning for a family in a major crisis. Pray that God will protect them from evil, and that He will bring peace and protection to their household.
Shawn did a great job with a sermon on tithing. I love how he focuses on how tithing is an opportunity to be a part of God's plan. He doesn't discuss budget shortfalls, or try to guilt people into giving. I liked that he met people where they were on giving. Many people that we are reaching have maxed out their credit cards, bought a home they cannot afford, drive vehicles out of their price range, and are drowning in debt. Shawn told people that he thinks they can give 10 percent, but if they just absolutely can't do that to begin with a smaller number. If you think you can give 1 percent, then stretch yourself and give 2. Then at the end of the year, raise that number. Don't not give just because you can't give 10 percent.
Of course, I bawled like a baby. Shawn shared one of the many amazing stories of God's provision from our early marriage. We were in school full time, paying our own way. He was on staff at a church that was paying a very small part time salary. One week we ran out of food. I'm sure there were a few staples in the cabinet, but we did not have anything left to cook for a meal. We could not go to the store until payday, but we thought "people fast for 3 days all the time, we are not going to starve." We went to a meeting at church that night and Butch Sorters, a man that was not a close friend at the time, approached us at the end of the meeting and invited us home for supper. His wife was furious with him when we showed up. Her house wasn't clean, and they were just eating hamburger helper, or something similar. She enjoyed visiting with us, but she was bothered by not having prepared for company.
After we ate, Butch offered us some food from their freezer. We saw God very literally meet our need. Butch had no idea that we had run out of money and had no food left to eat. He had never invited us over and actually never invited us again. But on that night, he was obedient when God told him to invite us to eat. Even though he knew the house wasn't clean. Because he obeyed, we were not hungry. It makes me wonder how often I miss out on meeting other people's needs when I refuse to be hospitable because my house is messy. That night, we did not care that their house wasn't perfect. We were grateful beyond words that God was feeding his hungry children.
Worship was beautiful this week. God spoke volumes to me as we worshiped. It is beyond my comprehension that the God who created the oceans, the mountains, and the stars, wants and values a very intimate and personal relationship with me.
As you read this, spend a few minutes in prayer for The Crossroads. We have several families who have been hit hard this week. Spiritual warfare is a very real thing. I am burdened heavily this morning for a family in a major crisis. Pray that God will protect them from evil, and that He will bring peace and protection to their household.
Friday, February 5, 2010
8 months
8 months ago, after much deliberation and resistance and false starts, I lifted weights for what I hope will be the last first time. In spite of hating exercise, in spite of unbelievable soreness, in spite of hating exercise (oh wait, I said that already), I did it anyway. Every stinking day I drug myself to the weight machine or to the tv for an exercise video. I gasped for air, I collapsed mid workout. I hated exercise. But I was stubborn and persevered.
I had not exercised regularly (read "at all") since going to work 7 years ago. Before that I used to walk with friends, and many moons ago I attended some group fitness classes at a gym. When I began to heal from my eating disorder, I no longer exercised in public since it was a trigger to feeling fat.
When God began to tell me about needing to exercise so that I could be ready to go when He said, "go," I was resistant, to say the least. I never dreamed that it would turn out to be one of the most beautiful journeys I have ever taken.
In a random turn of events, I discovered running. I began struggling with frantic, labored breath to run 30 seconds. Then I could run 90 seconds. Then 2 minutes, then 5, then 10, and finally 45 minutes.
When I run, I feel free. I have no stress, no responsiblities and no agenda. I am beautiful and sexy and a woman. Not mom, wife, or teacher. Those are all beautiful roles that I play, but sometimes it's nice to just be my own person for a little while. It is in running that I have discovered intimacy with God that I have never known. It is in running that I have rediscovered my passion for life.
A few weeks ago I joined a gym. That has been a huge struggle for me. It has turned out to be a lot of fun. I struggle with my body image more when I am there, but I have found that my God is faithful to give me strength in this crazy journey that doesn't yet make sense to me.
8 months ago I put on a bikini and made some before pictures. Today I put my bikini back on and made follow up pictures. I can see a dramatic difference in my body shape. Unfortunately there is no way to photograph the dramatic difference in my soul.
I have been unable to run now for several weeks due to a calf injury. Tonight I pushed myself really hard to see how it did. I was able to fully exercise on it again, even jumping. I am anxiously awaiting morning. You see in the morning, I am going to slip on my running shoes, set the iPod on some Norah, and hit the streets to see how much I can run after such a long break. For an hour before my family awakes, I am going to be a beautiful, sexy woman basking in God's presence before I plunge back into my crazy day filled with responsiblilites and self doubt.
I can't wait.
I had not exercised regularly (read "at all") since going to work 7 years ago. Before that I used to walk with friends, and many moons ago I attended some group fitness classes at a gym. When I began to heal from my eating disorder, I no longer exercised in public since it was a trigger to feeling fat.
When God began to tell me about needing to exercise so that I could be ready to go when He said, "go," I was resistant, to say the least. I never dreamed that it would turn out to be one of the most beautiful journeys I have ever taken.
In a random turn of events, I discovered running. I began struggling with frantic, labored breath to run 30 seconds. Then I could run 90 seconds. Then 2 minutes, then 5, then 10, and finally 45 minutes.
When I run, I feel free. I have no stress, no responsiblities and no agenda. I am beautiful and sexy and a woman. Not mom, wife, or teacher. Those are all beautiful roles that I play, but sometimes it's nice to just be my own person for a little while. It is in running that I have discovered intimacy with God that I have never known. It is in running that I have rediscovered my passion for life.
A few weeks ago I joined a gym. That has been a huge struggle for me. It has turned out to be a lot of fun. I struggle with my body image more when I am there, but I have found that my God is faithful to give me strength in this crazy journey that doesn't yet make sense to me.
8 months ago I put on a bikini and made some before pictures. Today I put my bikini back on and made follow up pictures. I can see a dramatic difference in my body shape. Unfortunately there is no way to photograph the dramatic difference in my soul.
I have been unable to run now for several weeks due to a calf injury. Tonight I pushed myself really hard to see how it did. I was able to fully exercise on it again, even jumping. I am anxiously awaiting morning. You see in the morning, I am going to slip on my running shoes, set the iPod on some Norah, and hit the streets to see how much I can run after such a long break. For an hour before my family awakes, I am going to be a beautiful, sexy woman basking in God's presence before I plunge back into my crazy day filled with responsiblilites and self doubt.
I can't wait.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I Love Coffee
Waking up to the dark, rich aroma of freshly ground coffee in the morning is the catalyst that drives me out of my warm cocoon and into the day. The best mornings are the ones where Shawn has preset the coffee pot, and I can hear it dripping from my bed.
We recently ran completely out of coffee before our next shipment arrived. We order our fair trade coffee from www.drinkcoffeedogood.com. It was worse than the time we ran out of toilet paper. I guess we could have bought some Folgers at Wal-mart, but we were expecting our good coffee in the mail and did not want to waste the money. I was grumpy, I was tired, and I felt deprived. When our shipment was delayed, I splurged multiple times on Starbucks, and then I discovered the local gas station has decent coffee for 96 cents. I was late to work several days because I had to stop off to buy coffee. One morning, a parent in my classroom heard that I was without coffee, and delivered an entire carafe to my classroom. It was in the best interest of her child.
When our new coffee arrived, I was as excited as a child at Christmas. I carefully slit open the bag, deeply sniffing my freshly roasted beans. I put my scoop of beans into the grinder and pushed the button. My son, sleeping in the bedroom next to the kitchen, did not appreciate the RAAAARRRRRAAARRRR of the grinder prior to 5 a.m. Me? I could only hear the Hallelujah Chorus.
I filled my supersized mug and sipped all the way to work. With every sip, I swished the coffee around my mouth and my tongue practically danced for joy. I savored the warmth slipping down my throat. I relished the rush of energy to begin my day. All was now right with the world.
I love my coffee.
We recently ran completely out of coffee before our next shipment arrived. We order our fair trade coffee from www.drinkcoffeedogood.com. It was worse than the time we ran out of toilet paper. I guess we could have bought some Folgers at Wal-mart, but we were expecting our good coffee in the mail and did not want to waste the money. I was grumpy, I was tired, and I felt deprived. When our shipment was delayed, I splurged multiple times on Starbucks, and then I discovered the local gas station has decent coffee for 96 cents. I was late to work several days because I had to stop off to buy coffee. One morning, a parent in my classroom heard that I was without coffee, and delivered an entire carafe to my classroom. It was in the best interest of her child.
When our new coffee arrived, I was as excited as a child at Christmas. I carefully slit open the bag, deeply sniffing my freshly roasted beans. I put my scoop of beans into the grinder and pushed the button. My son, sleeping in the bedroom next to the kitchen, did not appreciate the RAAAARRRRRAAARRRR of the grinder prior to 5 a.m. Me? I could only hear the Hallelujah Chorus.
I filled my supersized mug and sipped all the way to work. With every sip, I swished the coffee around my mouth and my tongue practically danced for joy. I savored the warmth slipping down my throat. I relished the rush of energy to begin my day. All was now right with the world.
I love my coffee.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Monday Morning Update 1/31/2010
Sunday was a great day at The Crossroads. Our children's ministry exploded with excitement. It has moved to a new level of quality, fun, and excitement. The kids learned more about worship, and ended the time with a celebration by throwing 11 huge garbage bags of confetti into the air. While requiring many more workers, it is much better for the number of children we now have attending. I can't wait to see how our church will be able to reach more families.
Shawn preached another sermon about "Money Matters." This one was all about what God has to say about debt. It is cool to see how he is taking the budgeting and money management stuff seriously. I think God will bless him as he seeks to be a good steward with our resources.
Worship went well. I honestly have run out of ways to say it was great. So I'll just say, "It was great."
Sunday night I went down to Birthday Blessing in Plano. It is a nonprofit organization that does birthday parties for underprivileged kids. It is such a great idea. I was grateful to have the chance to help out with parties for 6 kids and their families. I got to share the story of salvation with all the families. I don't know that I have ever shared the gospel with that many people in one day. I was so nervous, and the circumstances were not really ideal, but it went okay. A couple of families were even interested in our church.
I paid dearly for the exhausting weekend. Monday I had one of the worst migraines yet. I went to bed right after school - around 5:30 - to try to catch up on sleep and make the headache better. It helped lots. I'd appreciate prayers about the migraines. They greatly interfere with my life.
Shawn preached another sermon about "Money Matters." This one was all about what God has to say about debt. It is cool to see how he is taking the budgeting and money management stuff seriously. I think God will bless him as he seeks to be a good steward with our resources.
Worship went well. I honestly have run out of ways to say it was great. So I'll just say, "It was great."
Sunday night I went down to Birthday Blessing in Plano. It is a nonprofit organization that does birthday parties for underprivileged kids. It is such a great idea. I was grateful to have the chance to help out with parties for 6 kids and their families. I got to share the story of salvation with all the families. I don't know that I have ever shared the gospel with that many people in one day. I was so nervous, and the circumstances were not really ideal, but it went okay. A couple of families were even interested in our church.
I paid dearly for the exhausting weekend. Monday I had one of the worst migraines yet. I went to bed right after school - around 5:30 - to try to catch up on sleep and make the headache better. It helped lots. I'd appreciate prayers about the migraines. They greatly interfere with my life.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Missions is like football
The Superbowl is coming up soon. I don't know what our plans are other than I am sure we will be watching with friends on a big tv. There will be thousands of other people who pay big bucks to sit in the stadium and watch the big game. And then there are the players.
I am certain that of all these people with an interest in the big game, the players on the winning team will experience the greatest levels of joy. (and pain, by the way)
I realized that missions is like this in many ways. Many Americans are sitting on the couch. watching mission work from afar. They are excited about the results, and like to yell about how it should be done, but they do not invest any blood or sweat.
Then there are others who give sacrificially of their money, but are still merely spectators like the fans in the stands. They love the game, but are still not players.
Then there are the players. They give months, days, and hours of blood, sweat, and tears to prepare for this big moment. They gladly face pain and potential injury for love of the game (and big bucks which is not like missions).
I contemplated this vision for some time trying to find myself in the picture. I finally decided that I want to be the coach. I want to be the person who trains and equips the players at The Crossroads to go out into all the world. I want to teach my quarterback how to run without fear. I want to train my defensive line to hold against evil. To stand firm. But most of all I just want to have a part in the game. I don't want to sit on the couch, or even in the stands. I want to go. And I want to take my friends.
My big question is now "What's next?"
I am certain that of all these people with an interest in the big game, the players on the winning team will experience the greatest levels of joy. (and pain, by the way)
I realized that missions is like this in many ways. Many Americans are sitting on the couch. watching mission work from afar. They are excited about the results, and like to yell about how it should be done, but they do not invest any blood or sweat.
Then there are others who give sacrificially of their money, but are still merely spectators like the fans in the stands. They love the game, but are still not players.
Then there are the players. They give months, days, and hours of blood, sweat, and tears to prepare for this big moment. They gladly face pain and potential injury for love of the game (and big bucks which is not like missions).
I contemplated this vision for some time trying to find myself in the picture. I finally decided that I want to be the coach. I want to be the person who trains and equips the players at The Crossroads to go out into all the world. I want to teach my quarterback how to run without fear. I want to train my defensive line to hold against evil. To stand firm. But most of all I just want to have a part in the game. I don't want to sit on the couch, or even in the stands. I want to go. And I want to take my friends.
My big question is now "What's next?"
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