Fear...Again?

Way back when I was in third grade, one day the playground was really wet. We all had to play on the asphalt basketball court instead of the playground equipment. You remember that kind of asphalt? Black, bumpy... definitely not smooth, grey concrete. Playing tag with Brian Wardlow....that kid was one of my great friends and worst enemies. Always pulling my hair and stuff but we were also buddies. I caught my toe on a bump in the asphalt and plowed it up with my elbow. Even that young, I was pretty clumsy! I keep thinking I will outgrow it! Good thing the hubby likes clumsy. (Thinks I'm cute)


So I was thinking about this today.... it took weeks for my elbow to heal up and it turned every shade of green, yellow, and purple you could imagine. I still have a scar if you look closely enough. Even after it healed up, I was still much more cautious about running on the asphalt. Almost never would agree to play tag unless we played in the grass. I had learned my lesson. A lesson of fear.

Over the years, I have learned many more lessons about fear. It seems to be one of the hardest emotions to unlearn as an adult. It is very challenging to live riskier and not let fear dictate decisions. In church planting, I am learning that the choice that invokes the most fear in me is the most likely to be the right decision. Because of my personality, I am most afraid of rejection and failure. Living life and making decisions about church without considering those emotions is challenging, but freeing.

Recently Shawn went for his quarterly review. The more experienced guys at the meeting are predicting some rapid growth in the near future for the Crossroads. Who knows if they are correct...that's all up to God. But while I am certainly filled with excitement and anticipation, I am also filled with fear - nervousness, really. I finally feel like I have a handle on this church plant thing and am comfortable. I am not sure why the thought of rapid growth makes me nervous....but it does. That's just my true confession tonight.

But I also know that God is really talking to me in my prayer times about pouring out His presence on Anna. I have such a strong feeling that big things are on the immediate horizon. I am filled with anticipation. I will not let nervousness keep me from being involved with whatever it is that God has planned. I just can't wait to see what's next.

Praying for Anna - my city

Man, what a crazy day. It was pure chaos from beginning to end. Getting ready for Open House is insane. The first grade hall looks absolutely incredible. It is totally covered in black paper with stars on the lights and large astronauts floating all around. We are frantically scrambling to finish up some projects to throw on the kids’ desks to show off for the parents. I have been cleaning, and now last minute, hiding, my junk to make my classroom look good. It will be a mad dash to the very end tomorrow to finish all the preparations and then to get dressed up and ready to meet and greet all the parents. Today was also pretty crazy since I had a huge meeting in the middle of the day. Totally got 0 minutes for lunch. However, some of the first grade moms had brought in lunch for the teachers today, so I ate right in front of my students. This is not great manners, but it’s better than me being grumpy from lack of food. And there was sopapilla cheese cake. YUM! Needless to say, I’m very ready for Spring Break!

But my crazy life is not what I’m blogging about tonight. If I was guessing, I would say that most of my readers have lives that are equally crazy. You don’t have to teach to be busy and stressed and overwhelmed by your job. It seems that this is true of pretty much everybody that I know – whatever their career might be. So it is pointless to spend lots of time blogging about it all other than a rant now and then kind of clears my head so that I can write about more important stuff….like fashion abominations (see the archives).

I’ve rambled long enough…on to the blog…..

Tonight as I was driving home, traffic was moving pretty slow. I was thankful for this since my tires need replacing and tend to slip and slide in the rain. I threw in the latest CD from Worship Leader Magazine. The second song on the CD is “Floodgate” by Michael Neale. I’ll have to give it a second listen to let you know if it’s actually an awesome song or if God just used it to draw me into his presence tonight. The song is based on Malachi 3:10, “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this, says the Lord Almighty, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.” I sincerely can’t tell you much about the song because before the first chorus I was so wrapped up in worship and prayer that I lost track of what the lyrics were or anything else about the song. Pretty sure I wouldn’t even recognize it if I heard it again.

As I was driving, I began desperately praying for Anna. As I prayed, I began to realize that Anna is MY city. My city that I have learned to love. Desperately and passionately love. I began to pray for my students and their parents, my friends and their families. I thanked God for connecting us with people in positions of influence in Anna. I prayed for our Easter Egg Hunt. I prayed for our launch team and the new members at The Crossroads. I prayed for our leadership, our staff. I was overwhelmed as I prayed with a strong sense of just how much God loves my city. He has beautifully connected us with people and developed relationships at speeds that I have not experienced before. Anna is no longer a spot on a map, or a city that I can quote demographics about, or a place where we are doing ministry. It’s a city that I am a part of. It’s a city made up of people that I am getting to know and learning to love.


As I cried and prayed, this is what ran through my head over and over, “See if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.” God is bigger than my dreams and my imagination. Now I simply pray for God to reach my city and to let me be a part of that mission. However it is that He plans to do it. Just let me tag along on the journey. So cool to see God working.

Spring

The time change always makes me anxious for summer. I get spring fever worse than any of my students. Today I was excitedly telling the children that they would have a whole week off for spring break. They looked at me with sad eyes and wanted to know how come they couldn’t come to school. I answered honestly, but laughingly, “Because the teachers need a break!” They are also starting to get a little concerned about what happens to them after first grade. One student asked me, “Will you love your new class like you love us?” How do you answer that?

Oh, wait, I was talking about spring. I love spring. The leaves budding, the grass growing, the flowers blooming. Spring is such a refreshing experience every year. I love how spring comes after winter every single year. No matter how cold, or mild, or long, or short the winter is, spring always follows. (Yes, I know that’s a duh! kind of statement to make, but it’s going to get a bit deeper here in just a second!) It’s a reminder to me every year that good times and beauty and incredible growth follow closely behind tough times in my life. It seems that winter always comes before spring in my spiritual walk. I love that I have a God that is continually bringing newness and life and beauty into my soul. I love that God doesn’t make it winter forever in my spiritual life any more than he lets it be winter forever in Texas.

JKB vs. Rattan

Really cool event tonight. JKB (my elementary school) played a basketball game against Rattan (the other elementary school in town) as a fundraising event. I stood in the stands screaming like a crazy woman as JKB dominated the court. I cheered like mad for all my friends on the court and also connected with friends in the stand. Then later we ate supper with some of our Anna friends. I remembered again tonight that these men and women that I was cheering for and hanging out with were strangers 6 months ago.

It is beautiful that God has so swiftly created so many new friends in our new community. I am very blessed and very thankful.

Henry's Freedom Box

In the library at school, the librarian read my class a book, “Henry’s Freedom Box”. It was a true story about a slave who was so desperate to be free that he built a wooden crate and mailed himself to Pennsylvania. Along the way he was thrown onto a freight car and tossed about, but he finally made it to freedom. Even though it was a children’s book, it was still disturbing to imagine the discomfort of traveling in a small crate, at times upside down for days, in order to be free. As an adult, I realized some of the other issues…..like no food or water, the human waste issue….basically this guy decided he would either be dead or free, one or the other.

I was thinking about this a lot today. There are several spiritual parallels that I came up with here. Scripture abounds with references to our freedom in Christ such as Col. 1:4 “Christ has purchased our freedom”; Heb 9:15 “….freed from the penalty of the sins…” Rom 7:24, “Who will free me from this life.” And the list could just keep on going. I was thinking about this guy’s determination. I think sometimes I take my freedom in Christ for granted. I dabble in sin and don’t fully realize the greatness of having been redeemed. Henry wasn’t going back into slavery. No way, no how! So why do we tend to drift back into our old ways that held us captive instead of walking in the light of freedom?

My other train of thought beyond Christ’s saving redemption was the very specific freeing from addiction. I think Henry’s journey is a pretty good parallel for those among us who have been freed from an addiction. It was a hard, tough, smelly, uncomfortable journey. But the freedom at the end of the journey was worth every single discomfort.

“Henry’s Freedom Box” was a good reminder to me about the beautiful freedom that I have because of Christ. It was also a reminder to me that sometimes there are tough times on the journey, but freedom is always worthwhile.

Just one more note – Henry had help from other people. Other people have played such a huge role in my life and my discovery of who I am and who God has created me to be. I don’t want to be too busy to walk alongside other people. That’s a pretty big struggle for me…finding time during the school year for friendships and close relationships.

Today - cause I can't come up with a creative title

Ever have one of those days that’s over before it ever starts? Today’s been one of those. I hit my classroom almost literally running - trying hard to prep for the day before the students arrived. My weekend was too busy to work any at school so I was already behind. Before I could turn around it was lunch time and I had only covered half the material that I wanted to with the kids. Then suddenly the entire day was done, and I never even got around to teaching science.

It’s that season at school. The insanity of the spring semester in first grade is unbelievable. We are pushing hard every minute of every day to prepare for second grade. Every second I am regrouping and refocusing and trying to figure out how I can maximize the moment for learning. It requires high energy and lots of caffeine and leaves me absolutely exhausted by the end of the day.

This week is especially crazy. I have a meeting every day this week and special trainings and after school tutoring and parent conferences. Today I found out that I am going to be needed to administer the TAKS test next week. This is a first for me since I am a first grade teacher. I largely ignore the TAKS test and go about my merry way. However, we are short teachers in order to meet all the required accommodations, and so I am one of the chosen few who gets to help out. I don’t mind, I’m just a bit nervous about figuring out all the protocols involved and not screwing up. (And finding the time to get ready for a sub is a nightmare) The legalities and rules and regulations surrounding this event are amazing. Pretty sure the training will involve midnight meetings dancing around a bonfire chanting secret mantras and signing oaths in blood. After I complete the training, I will be qualified to see the President’s most top-secret documents. That’s the level of security involved in this mess. Like I can’t even go pee unless I take the tests with me. All of this so we can check to see if our students are mastering the basic skills needed for life. High-stakes testing. Kids are nervous, teachers stressed. It’s nuts. As in you can lose your teaching credentials and be charged with a felony if you screw up kind of nuts. But I don’t make the laws.

Where am I headed with all this? No where. I am just very overwhelmed with all that needs to be done. It is hard to not be stressed when your job needs more than the 12 to 14 hours you are already putting in. I don’t have any more hours in my day unless I totally eliminate sleeping. Don’t think that’s a possibility.

But there’s good stuff too….today a reading group had to move up another level. My kids learned to write complete sentences with punctuation over the weekend. They are blooming, and it’s beautiful. Kids that couldn’t read at the beginning of the year are reading their first easy chapter books. We’ve just about mastered adding two digit numbers and are making progress on learning how to count money. The kids are gaining maturity and learning self-control. They are getting better at tying their own shoes and using Kleenexes instead of eating their boogers. I can trust them alone for the 2 minutes it takes me to sprint down the hall and use the restroom if I can’t wait until lunch. This is the payoff for the huge stress of the spring semester. My students will be great readers and when they are old and reading the McDonalds menu….It’s my fault. I do that for them. So very rewarding. Exhausting, but rewarding.

Mortality - a pain in the butt

I rarely think about my mortality. It's one of those things that I think God designed the human mind to avoid contemplating too much too soon so that we are better able to enjoy life. Or maybe I'm just shallow, take your pick! Aging and experiencing death seems like such a pain in the butt. It seems to me like it would have been way cooler to have been immortal. (Thanks Adam and Eve for blowing that for us all). I know that immortality is coming after death, I just have such a hard time trying to imagine heaven in all its glory. But I do know that it will be out of this world (cheesy pun, I know).

The other night I was driving the kids home late after soccer practice and somehow we began talking about heaven. James wondered if there would be so much food at the feast that we would all vomit. I told him that I was pretty sure that falls under the category of "no more sickness, no more pain". But then as we talked, one of us wondered if there's really food, will there be digestion? And if there is digestion, will there be poop? In heaven? And if there's poop will it smell like poop or will it smell like flowers or something? And then we talked about angels....The kids wondered if they would sound like a gospel choir or if some of the angels are appointed to play electric guitar.

I say all this for two reasons. A. It's pretty funny, much funnier if you were there and we all enjoy a good laugh. and B. Just to illustrate that it's really hard to expand your mindset enough to grasp at all what heaven might be like.

On a much more serious note, this week one of my good friends from junior high lost her dad. He just suddenly passed away. She is the first one from my very close childhood friends to lose a parent. It is a heartbreaking loss for her and her family. I regretted being unable to attend the funeral since I live out of state. Her family was really good to me growing up. They took me in as one of their own and loved me. It was her family that showed me the value of family time and that families existed where the parents were madly in love with each other and they could enjoy each other and their children.

This made me think just a little harder about death, and about trying a little harder to make every single day count. You just never know if it's all you're gonna get.