Fear...Again?

Way back when I was in third grade, one day the playground was really wet. We all had to play on the asphalt basketball court instead of the playground equipment. You remember that kind of asphalt? Black, bumpy... definitely not smooth, grey concrete. Playing tag with Brian Wardlow....that kid was one of my great friends and worst enemies. Always pulling my hair and stuff but we were also buddies. I caught my toe on a bump in the asphalt and plowed it up with my elbow. Even that young, I was pretty clumsy! I keep thinking I will outgrow it! Good thing the hubby likes clumsy. (Thinks I'm cute)


So I was thinking about this today.... it took weeks for my elbow to heal up and it turned every shade of green, yellow, and purple you could imagine. I still have a scar if you look closely enough. Even after it healed up, I was still much more cautious about running on the asphalt. Almost never would agree to play tag unless we played in the grass. I had learned my lesson. A lesson of fear.

Over the years, I have learned many more lessons about fear. It seems to be one of the hardest emotions to unlearn as an adult. It is very challenging to live riskier and not let fear dictate decisions. In church planting, I am learning that the choice that invokes the most fear in me is the most likely to be the right decision. Because of my personality, I am most afraid of rejection and failure. Living life and making decisions about church without considering those emotions is challenging, but freeing.

Recently Shawn went for his quarterly review. The more experienced guys at the meeting are predicting some rapid growth in the near future for the Crossroads. Who knows if they are correct...that's all up to God. But while I am certainly filled with excitement and anticipation, I am also filled with fear - nervousness, really. I finally feel like I have a handle on this church plant thing and am comfortable. I am not sure why the thought of rapid growth makes me nervous....but it does. That's just my true confession tonight.

But I also know that God is really talking to me in my prayer times about pouring out His presence on Anna. I have such a strong feeling that big things are on the immediate horizon. I am filled with anticipation. I will not let nervousness keep me from being involved with whatever it is that God has planned. I just can't wait to see what's next.

Snow Day

I remember snow days when I was a kid. Waking up and feeling the chill in the air in my bedroom. Maybe a bit of frost on the windows. (Since we did not have central heat) I would run to the front door and look out to see snow blanketing the ground. It was such an exciting event.

Dressing took on new speeds. I could throw on layers faster than anything. I remember well my two brothers and all the neighborhood boys pouring into the yard and choosing up teams for snowball fights. We would slip under the fence and sled down the big hill next door. I remember the freedom and exultation that I felt throwing my body onto the sled and zipping down the hill and across the frozen creek. It was cold. And fun. And wonderful.

One of the best snows I remember was when I was 17. I had gone to stay with my brother Jon and his wife Lori over spring break and got snowed in. Jon and I had so much fun throwing snowballs, making snowmen, and teaching his little girl how to make snow angels. For a few days, we were just kids again with no worries. Just carefree. It's one of my best last memories with Jon.

Somehow, I've never lost all that excitement. So today when school was called off, I felt that familiar tingle of excitement. Now....ice is just not as awesome as snow, but I still loved the day off. Things have changed. Now it is my children bundling up and running out in the yard to play while I stay warm by the fire. It was great to just relax, regroup, and get ready to face tomorrow.

Scattered Friday Night Thoughts

This one may be a bit long. There's lots of stuff running round and round in my head. The secret of my blogging, you know, is to empty my head so that I can relax. This emptying may take longer than you care to read.

Friday nights are the hardest, I think. After a long week at school, I push really hard on Friday to finish up my units that I'm teaching, and give tests to hyper children. Then after school, I have to push even harder to try to prep for the next week. After the long week, I find it very hard to have anything at all left to be a good parent. That's why I am thankful for movies! Love piling the kids in my bed, watching a movie, and munching popcorn. It requires no human interaction from me, and makes them feel special and loved because I'm hanging out with them. Currently watching Journey to the Center of the Earth.

Tonight I did have a really cool moment. James's report card came in the mail. It was not exactly what we expected. Shawn coached me through not flying off the handle, and I handled the issue with grace and mercy. James sat through supper, hunched over his cereal, and not speaking. When we were doing dishes after supper, I told him that I had seen his report card. When there was no screaming, he totally relaxed and explained some of the problems he's been having, and we were able to work out some solutions. So then later we took the time to hang out together on the piano bench and played our first piano/sax duet. Pretty cool. I think music may run in his blood, too.

One last thought....this one is definitely pretty random. I had exactly 9 minutes today for lunch. (This is not important to the story, I just thought you might want to know) One of the team's daughters was eating with us today, and I was totally jealous of her ice cream sandwich. I love ice cream sandwiches and never get around to buying any. Primarily because I will eat the whole entire box. Oh...I'm wandering again. Here's where I was going with this.

Lately God has been reminding me of good memories from my childhood. Seeing the ice cream sandwich brought back an awesome memory. When I was a little girl, maybe 6 or so, my older brothers mowed yards and cemeteries on Saturdays for spending money. Jon and Jeff would've been teenagers. Many Saturdays they had to take me with them. Lots of times one or both parents were with us, but the day I'm thinking of, I'm pretty sure we were alone. I'm not sure why....where were my parents exactly? Anyway, I was cheap labor. I picked up the sticks and rocks that they couldn't mow over, and then they paid me by buying me ice cream when we were done.

We would go to Mr. Warpole's little store up on the hill, and I would walk up and down all four aisles staring at the incredible array of treats. I always ended up at the big cooler filled with ice cream. I would climb up, balance on my belly, and reach deep into the cold, icy, cooler to grab my ice cream sandwich. If it was a really special day, the boys would buy me a glass bottled coke to go with it. We would sit outside on the sidewalk and eat our treats. I thought life couldn't get any better.

Don't know why I felt the urge to share that. Strange really. It doesn't connect to anything else or have a point. Random, huh? Oh, yeah...that's the name of the blog.

Monday Morning Updates

It is so cool to see families start to get plugged in at the Crossroads. I realized tonight that I spent a large part of my morning visiting with people I did not know six months ago. That's pretty awesome! Services went well today. I can't wait for our first baptisms coming up soon. I also have the distinct impression that God is getting ready to do something huge. I am anxious to see what it is!

Although our services were great, my primary worship experiences today did not occur at The Crossroads. Not to say that I didn't experience God or meet with him there also, but that was not the big wow moment today. This morning God woke me up early with a very distinct childhood memory that I want to share with you tonight. When I was a little girl, I used to love to go down to the deer camp with my dad and brothers. (This is the whole I wasn't born very girly thing) While they were out hunting, I usually hung out at the cabin - reading, writing, or visiting with my Pops (dad's dad).

One day as thunder was rumbling in the distance, Pops drove up in his old pick-up. "Hey, Reese, let's go feed those fish before the storm rolls in." I tingled with excitement, because feeding the fish with Pops was always a huge adventure.

So I jumped in his pick-up and we took off down to the pond. Now my relationship with Pops was interesting. He was nearly deaf, and was pretty crippled up. So conversation were pretty one-sided, and he moved kind-of slow. We got down to the pond, and he slowly, painfully climbed out of the truck. I remember the dark clouds rolling in and the heavy, damp smell of rain in the distance.

We walked out onto the old dock, Pops tapping the dock in a particular rhythm with his old cane. As soon as he began tapping the dock, the fish began to swarm. The water frothed with the movements of the fish. Then he began calling the fish with this peculiar deep, guttural sound. The water was churning with the movements of hundreds of fish as I cast out the fish food (old dog food) into the water. I was amazed by this experience, and the rain splattering on my face just added to the intrigue. Standing in the rain, feeding the excited fish with Pops was a beautiful moment.

So here's the God-point. The fish knew Pop's presence. They were eager and ready and waiting to be fed. By the time he was calling to them, they were already there, ready and waiting. If they had stayed on the bottom of the pond where they were comfortable they would have only gotten the leftover soggy food that fell to the bottom. I want to be that eager for God...that when he gets around to calling me I am already in place, ready, and waiting, and hungry to do what he wants me to do.

So I sat down at the piano this morning before church and was just absolutely overwhelmed by the gut instinct that God is getting ready to do some big things. I'm pretty sure I heard thunder rumbling in the distance. I'm going to head for the dock and wait for him to call me.

The other big worship experience today was just as unexpected. I was performing my "first lady" duties and attending a nighttime worship service at a sponsor church. The crowd was slim, the music primarily hymns, and God spoke loud and clear. He gave me some pretty specific reprimands about losing my focus in the busyness of my life and some other assorted sins. (there's always plenty for him to choose from) Then he began to talk about trusting him in the next phase of my life and ministry. I'm not sure exactly what he has planned, but I'm just telling you that I am so excited I can hardly stand myself. The sense of his presence was so incredible today. I was privileged to spend a beautiful day with my king.

Happy Monday! Only 7 days till the next weekend!

A blast from the past

Being on facebook has really triggered some old memories. As I have reconnected with friends from elementary school, I have been thinking more about my childhood than I have in many, many, many years. Last night I sat down at the piano and was messing around and recalled the very first song that I ever wrote. I had not thought about it in years and cannot find it anywhere.

The summer that I was 16, I had the incredible opportunity to spend the summer in Russellville, Arkansas, at a music camp for gifted musicians. Not being in band, it was the first time that I had really been involved deeply with other musicians. There were several benchmark moments in my life that summer at camp. But last night I was remembering a friend who could see straight through my facade and taught me what a friend really was.

Douglas was an incredible trumpet player from somewhere in south Arkansas. We immediately connected as musicians, probably the first time that I had ever experienced that weird chemistry thing that musicians have together. We were thick as thieves, very instantly best friends. We were absolutely inseparable for the entire summer at camp. He was my first African-American friend, which in Arkansas was a big deal at the time. He was a hands-on lesson that the ethnicity of friends is not important. Douglas was the first person that I ever met who had an extraordinary spirit of discernment and was not afraid to tell it like it was. I was doing a great job at that time in my life of pretending to be a follower of Christ.  He very literally one day sat me down and said something along the lines of "You are the biggest hypocrite I have ever seen in my entire life." He was right of course, since I had never even made a decision to follow Christ and was just being fake. He was refreshing and real.

Our big project at that camp was writing and performing a song for a panel of judges. I guess it was American idol before there was such a thing. The top three songs were then performed in front of a live audience on the final night of camp. I wrote my first song, based out of Ps. 46 and Is. 43. "God is our refuge and strength, therefore we will never fear. Even if the earth shakes and the mountains fall into the sea. Do not be afraid, for I have called you by your name and you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up, the flames will not consume you. For I am he Lord, you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Not the lyrics to the song, these are the verses the song was based on, since I cannot find the song, I cannot remember how it went.) Last night God was using these verses to remind me about who He is and what kind of stuff He is capable of doing - but that is a blog for another day.

Because I am a big chicken, Douglas helped me write out a trumpet accompaniment for my song so that he could stand in front of the judges with me - so I didn't have to be alone. We won the contest and performed our song in that huge auditorium on the closing night. It was one of the greatest highlights of my life.

Douglas and I kept in touch for awhile, but I gradually lost touch with him as I grew up and went away to college and for a time pursued other interests besides music. However, that summer I learned the value of a friend. A friend is somebody who stands next to you when you are too scared to stand alone. A friend is someone who knows your faults, confronts you with them, and loves you anyway.

I appreciated God reminding me of these things last night. And I am deeply blessed with good friends. I am glad that Douglas was only the beginning.