Ode to the metronome

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Fast. Slow. Steady beat. Such was the voice of my metronome. It was ancient when it first came into my possession, belonging first to my older brother, and if memory serves me correctly, my grandmother before him.

It was not the modern metronome - a slick black box with a tiny battery that makes it click. Instead it was a wooden triangular box with a wind-up key on the side. If you wound the key nine times, the metronome had enough power to last for over an hour of practice.

When I left home, I didn't bring a lot of my childhood things along, but I did pack the metronome. As we have moved many times, I have kept my metronome. When we stored stuff when our house went on the market, I left the metronome in a kitchen cabinet where I could see it daily.

Maybe that seems like a strange item to keep, but my metronome and I have been through much together. Rhythm is not my strongest gift. Many times over the years, I became extraordinarily frustrated by complicated measures of music. I have yelled at, hit, and thrown my metronome. Then I would retrieve it, reset it, and try again. It has been many years since I last needed to know the exact difference between 64 and 72 beats a minutes, however I still open the cabinet to look at that metronome frequently.

My old metronome is a strong reminder of persistence. Even though rhythm doesn't come naturally for me, any song can be mastered with enough hard work and discipline. My metronome is a reminder of where I have been. When I see the old beat-up case, I remember the hours of frustration over music that is now simple. I remember the hours of time I invested in something that I have grown to love. I am reminded that I am human as I examine the dents in the case from the angry outbursts as a teen.

Tonight, I opened the metronome one last time for my kids to use for band practice. Their fancy slick little black box needed new batteries, so they were willing to use my antique. Unfortunately, my metronome has starting counting off beat - like me. 1...2...........3..4...........1......2..3.4......1.2.3.........4........

Instead of throwing it away, I gently replaced the cover and set it back on the shelf. I decided that I needed it, even if it wasn't able to help me count anymore. I need the reminder that anything is possible if you have the persistence to daily refuse to accept failure. While my metronome may be a little off beat, it is still dead on with its life lessons.

Mr. Holland's Opus

Mr. Holland's Opus struck a chord deep inside me many years ago in college when I watched it for the first time. It's the story of a musician who takes a temporary gig teaching to pay the bills. The temporary gig turns into a long term career as his son is born, a house is bought, and his son has special needs that require a private school tuition. He finds his way into becoming a master teacher, but is greatly reluctant because his greatest work lies unfinished for years on his piano.

I have seen it many times over the years, but tonight I watched it again for the first time since I have been back in the teaching profession. It was an emotional event as I found many similarities. I find myself becoming a master teacher, able to engage children and push them to levels they never dreamed existed, and yet I longingly run my fingers across my piano keys at night as I pass by... like a lover gently brushing her fingers against her lover's skin. Music runs deep within my soul. It is a hunger that I cannot explain.

I rarely sit down at my piano any more, presumably because I lack the time to do so. But in honesty, I rarely sit at my piano because the hunger becomes a fire that consumes my mind and my heart. I lose myself in the music as it twists and twirls around in my head. I forget that anyone or anything else exists.

I have recently considered that life is slipping away from me. There is much greatness that I had planned to do and achieve, and instead I find myself teaching small children to read year after year. That is greatness, I guess, just a very different life than I had ever imagined. I had pictured teaching as a temporary gig on my way to doing big things. I am waiting to see what God's plan is. Will He teach me to love what I do and allow the hunger and passion for music to lie dormant so that I am able to be content with my life, or does He plan to open up doors for something different?

So tonight I find myself teary eyed, watching Mr. Holland's Opus, wishing for what might have been, but at the same time finding the beauty in what is.

The Roadshow

Last night I had the opportunity to go down to Dallas for the $10 Rock and Roadshow concert. The entire family had originally planned to attend, but unfortunately Grace was sick. I appreciated my amazing husband staying home with her so that I could still go to the concert. I was nervous about driving myself in Dallas traffic on day five of a nasty migraine. My reaction time and memory are seriously adversely affected the longer a migraine lasts. I have been known to not just lose where I parked my car, but even what kind of car I drive when the headaches are bad. However, I only got lost once, and I felt like I drove safely in the 20mph traffic all the way into Dallas. The migraine meds kicked in before I got to the concert, so I was able to enjoy the loud music.

It was an amazing line-up of bands last night. Sidewalk Prophet, Fee, Francesca Battistelli, Family Force 5, Crowder, and Mercy Me. Crowder had to be my favorite. In spite of seeing him many times in concert, I still enjoy every time his band takes the stage. He always makes the audience feel comfortable and at home, then pulls us into worship. He has the gift of making a large crowd feel intimate. I also absolutely enjoyed Fee and Mercy Me. Family Force 5 was a great rock show, but I guess my age is showing. It was a little heavy rocking for me.

It was such a great gift to be able to completely release in worship last night. I didn't have to worry about when to come in with the keys, or watching the worship leader for cues, or reading the audience, or listening to the rest of the band, or adjusting my volume level, or changing the sounds on the keyboard. I just worshiped. I just completely let go and worshiped. And it felt great.

Don't misunderstand me. I love being a part of a worship band. I love being on stage every Sunday and being a part of leading people into worship. I can't imagine anything else that I'd rather do musically. However, even in times of intimate worship, when I am onstage I still have to keep track of what's coming up next. So that moment of complete and total release into full up, all out worship, with nothing held back, comes very rarely. I worship while I am onstage, but it's not quite the same.

I absolutely enjoyed every second of the experience last night. I opted out of the after party with friends to come home and try to sleep off my headache. I feel much better this morning, except for the grogginess that lingers after a headache is finally gone. And the grogginess that comes from sleeping in a bed full of tossing and turning little girls and being awakened by the tiniest one prying up my eyelids at daybreak to say, "Mommy are you awake?"

It is gently raining, and I am pretty sure that I'm going to slip into my shorts and a t-shirt, throw on the sneakers, shuffle a little Crowderband on the iPOD, and spend some time this morning worshiping God on the street.

Granny's piano

On Sunday, our congregation gave Shawn and me a gift and individual cards to express their appreciation for our service at The Crossroads. When I opened my card in the car on the way home, I started to cry. You see, it has a picture of my Granny's piano on the cover. The place where I learned to love music.

Granny was about 4'11'', and her shape was quite round. She was delightfully soft and fluffy for a little red-headed girl who loved to sit in her lap and listen to stories and songs.

She lived in Memphis, about an hour and a half away from Jonesboro, where I grew up. She was single, divorced in an era when nice women didn't get divorced. She lived with my uncle for most of my childhood in an upstairs apartment in his home, later on she had a trailer close to her teaching job at a Christian school. We made the trek to see her on occasion, and she lived with us sometimes during the summers while my parents worked or went back to school to get their Master's degrees.

She taught me how to sew, how to crochet, how to make braided rag rugs, and how to tell when yeast rolls have risen to the perfect height to be baked. She let me stir her jelly, and told me stories. We made paper chains, cut out paper dolls from catalogs, and quilted my first nine-patch quilt for my barbie dolls. We sat side by side on the couch and spent lazy summer afternoons stringing cheap beaded necklaces, playing checkers, and simply reading away the afternoon. I read novels, she read her Bible. We shucked corn, shelled green beans, and planted flowers. At night she shared my canopy bed, and told me stories and scratched my back until I fell asleep. Those were delightful times. I was always sad to see her go.

But most of all, Granny loved music. In her younger years, she had a nice voice. By the time I came along, it had faded to a dim warble. She played the piano and the organ for her church. When I would go to stay with her some during the summers, I loved to go to her office at school. In her office, in a corner was a tiny white piano. It only had about 60 keys, and the paint was fading. I was taking lessons, and she would encourage me when I was frustrated. "Reese, you just got to learn a measure a time. Play that first measure till you get it right, then add the next. Tackle the song just one measure at a time." Is that not a great life lesson? How many things in life are too big to attack all at once? And how many things can be accomplished when you take it just one tiny piece after one tiny piece?

When I was 9, my family moved to Memphis for a season. It was a horrific move for us. I learned to hate school, and times were hard. My parents chose to continue my piano lessons with my Granny rather than with another teacher, even though it meant a 30 minute drive across town. Those 30 minutes were the best part of my week. As I sat on that bench with Granny as my teacher, I learned some great, but tough lessons. She was adamant that I would learn to play without looking at the keys. I had to wear a paper apron that covered the keys so that I could not see my fingers. There were many sour notes, but I did finally learn to play. It was a hard, many tears shed, type of lesson. However, it opened the gateway to a whole new level of playing. When you no longer need to look at your fingers, you can concentrate on reading much more complex music. Today it is one of the most valuable skills I possess. Being able to play without my sight frees me up to completely release in worship with my eyes closed. She taught me about perseverance - and about trusting my ability. More great life lessons.

Then there were the days that I came to lessons when we just chatted, or she would pull out old hymns and sit beside me and sing in her warbling voice as I haltingly played along. She began to teach me about God's love for me, and expressing love back to Him in music. There were times when she was busy with students who stopped by in distress and needed counseling, and I kept myself busy at the piano. Busy while I learned the importance of loving people even when they interrupt something important that you are doing.

She gave away her life as a teacher. She touched countless numbers of students through her classroom, through tutoring, and through teaching piano. In her last few years, she lived with my parents, in the basement. She brought some of her favorite pieces of furniture with her - including that old white piano. When I went home to visit, I would sit down at that now out of tune instrument and play for her. I had long since out distanced her musically and studied under another teacher, but I don't know that anyone else ever used music to teach me how to live.

At the end of her life, after my parents divorced, she moved into an apartment close to my dad. I had the opportunity to go stay with her a little while when she was in the hospital. Katie was a baby. I did not get to tell her all of these things about how much she meant to me. She was too busy asking me about my family, and our ministry, and seminary. Then she would drift off to sleep while I held her wrinkled hand with the gold and silver ring with fruit on it that she wore in place of a wedding ring.

I did not see her again. Her funeral was an amazing celebration of her life by her students, her children, and her grandchildren. She was not a perfect woman by any stretch of the imagination. I come by my stubbornness and hot temper honestly. But she loved me, and taught me the love of music.....that love that leads me into God's throne room and brings me crazy joy.

Wonder what ever happened to that old out of tune white piano?

Entertainment - enriching, or overtaking?

I recently read an editorial in Paste that struck a chord with me. The editor said that the purpose of his magazine was to review a variety of entertainment and media so that life could be enriched not replaced.

I was thinking about that comment tonight while I was perusing row after row of video games, trying to select the perfect birthday gift for my son. It is a challenging balance to use media wisely. It is so easy to use it to escape life..... watching a movie, playing a video game, or blogging on the internet (ouch). It becomes easy to substitute watching life for living life. On the other hand, to be relevant to today's culture, it is important to stay up on current trends and be technologically savvy.

So the battle wages on....how much time is too much time on the internet, or in front of the T.V., or even reading a book? Does it count if it's related to ministry and God? Just pondering.

The Big Road Trip

The day dawned cool and crisp. I had to put in a few hours at school before I could hit the road. There were a few catastrophes to set right. One student's dog had died and several students were afraid about riding the bus because of a bus wreck the night before. So I spent the morning reassuring them all that life would be okay.

Finally noon arrived. Time to head to Houston for the Tenth Avenue North concert. Just a girl trip. Me, my buddy Rachel, and my daughter Grace. We struck out on the big adventure. It was an adventure because I was in charge of the trip. And...I am a wee bit directionally challenged. Many of my friend joked that I would know I had made a wrong turn if I saw a sign that said, "Welcome to Canada."

On the way down, we chatted and listened to the cranked up music. It was a good trip. I only got lost twice and both of those were not exactly my fault. The first time the directions were a bit unclear, and we figured it out quickly and turned around. The second time I was on the phone and not paying attention for my turn.

The concert was awesome. Tenth Avenue North is a very musically talented band. They opened with a new song, titled, "Dirty." I thought it was a risky move to begin a concert with a new song....typically you try out your new material after the crowd is already hooked. However, it seemed to work out okay. The lead singer had a lot of great insight and wisdom that he shared throughout the night as leads into their songs. I did think that the band showed some inexperience in their stagecraft. At times they moved from worshipping to rocking very abruptly. Their transitions were still a bit awkward. However, for a young, new band....I was very impressed! I think that these guys are going to be big news in another year or so! Loved hearing them live.

One of the stories that the lead singer told as he went into "Beloved" really caught my attention. He said that when Jesus told the disciples to drink of his covenant that he was proposing marriage. He said that a young Hebrew male would propose to his bride by drinking from a cup and then passing it to the girl for her to drink as well. Then the groom would return to his hometown to prepare her a home before they were married. So in Jesus sharing the cup with his disciples, he was showing his commitment to his followers and at the same time letting them know that a separation was coming.

After the concert, we had dessert and coffee, and headed to bed. The trip back was uneventful. We listened to some music and just hung out. My friend Rachel wanted to listen to a country song that she knew. I endured it...but reluctantly. Then as I was flipping channels, I found a station of the great country legends. It reminded me of being a little girl, listening to my mom's eight tracks in the kitchen. To repay Rachel for the country song earlier, I tortured her with my Loretta Lynn and Dolly Parton sing-alongs. It was really, really funny. But I think you probably had to be there.

We bumped into old friends in Corsicana at lunch. It was cool to get to see them. We spent way too much money at a teacher store in Dallas, then we headed home.

A great trip. It was awesome to watch Grace transitioning into a worshipper. It was fun to hang out with Rachel. Life is busy, and it is hard to find the time to hang out with friends as often as we should.

my leftover thoughts

This one will be short. I just hate to contaminate my Crazy Love blogs with other stuff.

*Saw outfit from Target on a teacher today (see "I'm jumping off the fashion train"). Tried not to laugh. Ducked into the restroom instead.

*I cooked supper. The smoke alarm only went off once and nothing burned. I will be really glad when Shawn is feeling better.

*I ate sopapilla cheesecake at school today. yum....yum....made meetings bearable.

*About two hours ago I walked by the piano, and I somehow found myself sitting down instead of headed back to the bedroom to do schoolwork. I started with just playing while I was praying, and then I got to thinking about the little country churches where I started out playing. Traditional doesn't seem to correctly describe them. Music was always upbeat and fun. There were no robes on the choir and the preacher would holler out into the congregation, "Hey, brother Bill, why don't you lead us in some music today." Bill or Tom or Joe Bob or whoever got lucky that day would look in the hymnal, pick a song on the spot, and I knew what we were doing when he called it out to the congregation. Then my fingers had to fly. I don't think we did anything slow, and they had to bounce because boring was unacceptable. And the notes on the page had very little to do with what the guy might sing. So while I was reminiscing, I dug around in the piano bench and found my well-worn hymnal and looked up some of the old songs. I just wanted to see if my fingers could still fly after years and years of playing traditional, classical, and now contemporary, and alternative styles of music. I was having a lot of fun, believing Shawn to be asleep back in the bedroom when he entered the living room. He had his phone in hand, calling worship dude to out me. Just for the record....I do not want us to do any of that stuff at the Crossroads.....I just wanted to see how fast I could still play. Now my wrists and fingers are sore and my cuticles bloody from running the keys. But I have to say.....I've still got it.....more or less.

just a tear in the driving rain

I've been listening to the Tenth Avenue North CD today. I've never quite experienced anything like this. It is as if this band crawled into my mind and my soul and wrote lyrics for my thoughts and my emotions. I think that if I could afford it, I would consider flying to see them in concert and worship with them.

Tonight God asked me for something really hard. Here's the lyrics that played while God talked in my head about surrender and obedience and a new path.

"Break Me Down"

"I feel you falling
Like rain against my skin
I hear you calling
Your voice like thunder in my head.

But now I'm stalling
'Cause I'm afraid to let you in
Come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again.
I'm Yours tonight."


Then there's "Hold my Heart"

"One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
could the maker of the stars
hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that's all I am
Right Now I can barely stand
if you're everything you say you are
would you come close and hold my heart."

Before you freak out, what God asked me for is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things - in fact, I'm a little embarassed to admit to being horribly upset about what He had to say. It's not life-altering, or dangerous, or destructive. It is just not what I wanted and planned. And tonight I'm crying hard because I am selfish. But it's not about me and my feelings. I said yes to God, and will wait for my emotions to surrender as well.

Some Freakin' Awesome music.

Yeah, I know I already blogged tonight, but I was hangin' out putting off schoolwork when I found some music I was really excited about. I was finishing off the September Worship Leader Magazine, going to referenced websites and checking out bands and stuff. I stumbled across some freakin' awesome bands. I added most of them as friends on myspace to help my musician friends find them as well. Here's my favorites - worth a listen if you're ever bored.

Nevertheless - www.neverthelessmusic.com
*occasionally you find a band with incredible talent and songs with lyrics that really hit home. That's this band. I've been listening to "Sleeping In" for weeks on the radio...one of Shawn's favorites, but tonight listened to some of their other stuff - absolutely freakin' awesome - WOW!

Above the Golden State - www.abovethegoldenstate.com
*touring with Starfield - says a lot about their musical style

Jon Foreman - www.jonforeman.com
*former lead for switchfoot - Very different sound - is folksy the right description? - than I usually choose, but I would definitely love to download some of this stuff.

Article One - www.articleonemusic.com
*pretty rockin' - some good stuff

A New Aboliton - www.thewrecking.net
Especially liked "You Remain"

Bryan Brown - www.bryanbrownmusic.com
*some great worship stuff - much softer than my usual slammin' tastes.

Couple more things from Worship Leader

Here's a couple more things I enjoyed from the September Worship Leader...not too cheesy.

song story "God of This City"

In our pre-launch phase of church planting, "God of This City" sort of became our theme song. Shawn heard it at a church planting conference and was moved as the names of the cities across the U.S. where church plants were starting up this year scrolled across the screen. We've used it many times over the last year, but I was very moved when I read the story of its origins.

It would seem that it originated with a band called Bluetree out of Belfast. This group was on mission in Thailand, in a city famous for being the most famous sex-tourist destination on the planet. The band, in looking for venues to play, had an open door at a bar. "The Climax Bar"...you can imagine what was sold there. As the band played a worship set and began praying over their location, and the neediness of the city, Aaron Boyd was moved to sing a new song on the spot, "You're the God of this city, You're the King of these people, You're the Lord of this nation, You Are."

Gives new perspective to the lyrics, huh? God is indeed God of that city, and my city, and your city. He desires to be King of us all....no matter what our lifestyles.

Other article I was interested in: "Jonathan Stockstill, Catching the Gravity of Worship."

This was an interview with Jonathan Stockstill, front for Deluge Band. Here's what caught my attention. It's like God is saying the same stuff to him that he's been saying to me. "We tend to wander through different church growth strategies, without asking, what does God want us to do? If Jesus were here and was the pastor of this church, what would it look like? What would it be, you know? So many ministries can do church without God. They have marketing teams that have huge churches. They just pat themselves on the back and think it's amazing, but what they are doing hasn't required God's help to get there. It's just a huge social club. Just look at Oprah." "It's like we feel the need to build our own kingdoms within the kingdom. And it's good for us to dream, but it's easy to get caught trying to build our own dominions, instead of realizing we're just a part of the kingdom." This is what I've been saying, right? It's not about a show....it's about Jesus. It is easy to stumble off into doing ministry in our own strength and wisdom, harder to walk in humility and surrender. Doing ministry in my own strength is not incredible and amazing. It is only in seeing what God can do that there is any awe.

Then here's this, "I think a lot of the time what we think is holiness is really purity. Holiness is what you do. It's not what you don't do....Holiness is the pursuit of God....Look at the Pharisees. They were always talking about abstaining. But they weren't holy." I pondered on this a lot today. About the difference between holiness and purity. I had never considered the difference in the two terms, but I think the kid may be right.

We focus hard on purity as a church. Don't........whatever. The rules are mind - boggling and discouraging. I can never manage to keep up with them all. I think purity is certainly a component of holiness. I do think that when we are living in purity, it is easier to find God than when we are swallowed up in deliberate sin. However, I think that as believers we seem to rarely move beyond the quest for purity. Holiness...the quest for God and being intimately connected with Him is a journey that I found on my own. It is a walk that is more about discovering God's character and living a life of obedience and love and seeking God's face than about all the "nots". When I focus on holiness, it seems that purity follows close behind. When I am intimately seeking God's face, and I am consumed with hunger and passion and desire for Him, I am not as interested in sin. It is when I am doing ministry in my own ability and being full of myself and focusing on other "stuff", instead of my God - relationship, that sin easily entangles me. It's like walking into a cobweb in the dark. Surprisingly sticky and hard to get out of.

That's my take on the September issue of Worship Leader. A little better than the August issue. I may even attempt to read the October issue that's been thrown under my bed since it arrived a couple of weeks ago. There were even a couple of "decent" songs on the CD. It was cool to see an old friend show up on the Song Discovery CD. Way to go Matt!

Odd God moment

One last thing....three blogs in one day makes it up to those of you who panicked when I skipped a day, right?

Last night I felt the tingle of a migraine start up about 4:00. When I got home, I drank some coffee....sometimes helps. By the end of band practice, I would have cut off my own head if I could've. I drove home with my knees so that I could apply pressure to my head with both hands. Took migraine pills - lots of caffeine. So after the headache abated, I laid pointlessly in bed waiting for sleep until about 2 a.m.

This is not the point...just setting the stage for how come I was awake at 2. The odd God moment was this. From about 11 until I went to sleep around 2, the music in my head was so loud that I could not consider sleep. It was all stuff I knew, not like a songwriting moment or anything. It struck me as strange that no matter how hard I tried to form thoughts, it was completely impossible. But then this morning when I woke up, I felt strangely refreshed and renewed. It was as if somehow during the night, my entire soul had been cleansed. I did not understand until late this afternoon when I was thinking about it....Zeph. 3:17 - God sings over us. Just had the random thought that maybe the music in my head was God's way of singing over me in the night. It certainly had unusual effects the next morning. Don't know - maybe this doesn't even make sense - sometimes the medicine does do loopy things to me. But it was cool.

Wanderings and musings of a worshipper.

I have mused about worship quite a lot today. It is such an interesting phenomenon. People of all nations and races seek a worship experience. It seems to be an inborn hunger for us all. Worship encompasses so much and is such a huge and unfathomable thing that I have trouble even beginning to grasp it at all. But here are some of the meager thoughts that were wandering around in my head today.

There is the emotion that is tied up in worship. I typically picture raised hands and warm fuzzies. And often it is exciting and awesome and amazing but sometimes worship is painful and heart breaking and hard. Some of my most incredible worship experiences and most intimate encounters with God have been very dark and very messy. Sometimes worship flows easily and is not containable and the joy is contagious and beautiful and sometimes worship is an act of obedience and discipline because God is worthy of worship, even on the days that I don't feel worshipful.

I frequently connect worship with music, but there is so much more to worship than just a few songs here and there during the week. Worship is about seeking and finding God throughout the week. Loving him intimately and being surrendered. I guess that's the one word that I tie into worship the most often - surrender. Worship is all about God and realizing as much as I possibly can just how big and amazing He really is. I cannot grasp God's character and qualities and power when I am busy trying to focus on me. It is only after I am emptied, that I can be filled with Christ and worship him completely.

I am interested in how differently people are wired into worshipping. Some of us most easily find God through music....and there are thousands of styles of music on the planet that people are using to enter into worship. But many people find God most easily through Bible study or through experiencing His creation. I am curious about why God did not necessarily make it easy for us to lead people into worship. It would be easy, (but probably stale) if everyone found intimate connection with God through the same avenues. It would make leading worship a piece of cake if the same formula worked every time.

Ps. 89:1-4, "Your love, God, is my song, and I'll sing it! I'm forever telling everyone how faithful you are. I'll never quit telling the story of your love- how you built the cosmos and guaranteed everything in it. Your love has always been our lives' foundation, your fidelity has been the roof over our world...." I love those first words of this Psalm...."Your love, God, is my song." It is not some famous songwriter's song that leads me into God's presence. It is knowing God's love song that allows me to enter his throne room in worship. Sometimes I am guilty of being so caught up in the latest trends in worship that I forget that the only necessary ingredient for worship is knowing the right love song. The great love song that was written before time began and that God sings over my life (Zeph.3:17) like a lullaby.

There is so much more in this Psalm about God and who he is and how he has acted in the past. Such as, "The holy angels are in awe before him......God put the arrogant ocean in its place.....God owns the cosmos and made everything in it."

Then check out this description of a worshipper, vs. 15-18, "Blessed are the people who know the passwords of praise, who shout on parade in the bright presence of God. Delighted, they dance all day long, they know who you are, what you do - they can't keep it quiet! Your vibrant beauty has gotten inside us - you've been so good to us! ... All we are and have we owe to God, Holy God of Israel, our King!" Yeah, that does kinda make me want to dance and sing just reading about it!.....What a beautiful verse....."Your vibrant beauty has gotten inside us." How true....anything within me that is at all beautiful is from God. And it is cool how he continually works to weed out the darkness and replace it with beauty. Beauty from ashes, hope from despair....seems like I know a song about that.

Let's be the people this verse is describing, "delighted, they dance all day long, they know who you are, what you do - they can't keep it quiet!" Come on....I dare you to live life like that! Chase the lion!

Bloody Sabbath

New issue of Paste! Yeah! This is a highlight of my month!

This one's focus is on violence in music and media. One of the first articles that I've had time to read is "Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath." This article certainly took a genre of music - gospel - that I am very familiar with and looked at it through new eyes. It is really interesting to look at religion through the eyes of others. This author proposed that gospel music is arguably one of the most violent forms of music, if the lyrics are contemplated at length and by an unchurched, literal audience. For example:

"Are you washed in the blood." "There's power in the blood." "Nothing but the blood" "Alas, and did my Savior bleed." etc.

Now as believers, we understand the symbolic implications involved. I had never honestly, deeply considered how an unchurched audience could interpret our "blood songs." How's this for an answer, "Obviously, it's symbolism, but there's something kinda creepy about hundreds of people singing about blood and suffering." Or how about, "it's a trip to see these words."

This article spends time comparing gospel music to heavy metal's violent words and tries to draw some parallels between the two as far as the symbolism involved. I'm not sure that I can agree that heavy metal bands with really violent lyrics are trying to symbolically move people to a better place in their lives in quite the same way that gospel music does.

One heavy metal band, when interviewed, said they were considering turning to the Bible for inspiration for more violent songs. I somehow don't think that God's intention of including violence in the Bible, especially in some of those Old Testament stories that are so gory, was so that violence would be glorified. I think the difference in the bloody lyrics of gospel music and the bloody lyrics of other music is in the purpose of the music. Who is being glorified?

However, it was very interesting to read this perspective on gospel music. It is certainly food for thought as we consider what songs to use to reach an unchurched population. I don't know that we should give up all the "bloody" songs, but maybe we should think about how they can be interpreted and make sure that our audience understands the symbolism.

Very interesting lyrical comparisons in this article as well.... In some instances trying to distinguish between gospel and metal was impossible for me until I saw the name of the band.

Food for thought.....

Thoughts from Brooke Waggoner

I just love Paste magazine. It's my favorite read. Mostly because I realize that I am not totally insane and other people have the strong emotions about music that I do. It's a great relief to know that it consumes other people as well. I loved this quote from an interview with up and coming artist Brooke Waggoner about her songs, "They're in my sleep. My dreams. My midnights. My mornings and afternoons. My weekends. My errands. Songs." She went on to talk about the responsibility of a songwriter. "They're now in the world and no longer contained in the privacy of my living room. I feel a sense of responsibility with that. Don't wanna waste people's time. What used to be written strictly for me is now meant for others..."

I thought she said it all so well. Better than me. I have to fight the music really hard to keep it from totally engulfing me. The music in my head literally becomes so loud that it is complicated for me to have rational thoughts and expressing those thoughts at times becomes impossible. I find myself stumbling and stuttering over simple sentences. I am glad that I am not the only weird chick on the planet. That's a pretty self-absorbed reason to enjoy a magazine, don't ya think?

Seriously? We are not going to rock in heaven?

Having enjoyed Paste so much, I had the bright idea to hunt for a similar magazine that discussed current movements in Christian music. My first issue of Worship Leader arrived last week. Like Paste, it comes with a CD of new music and has articles about music and new artists. Unlike Paste, mostly I just gag and roll my eyes when listening to the CD and reading the articles. I understand that this Christian magazine is having to span a wide spectrum of audiences and must have a difficult time meeting the needs of worship leaders in traditional, blended, and contemporary settings. However, my instincts are still difficult to control.

Here's an example of a letter to the editor that triggered my gag reflex.
"I cannot tell you how turned off I am by all the distorted guitar I keep hearing. I will never believe that heaven, that glorious place of honor and majesty, will be like a Jesus Rock Fest. Can you not present your worship songs in other formats?" My first reflex was to throw the magazine across the room and yell "AAAHHHH!" My second thought was, ..... I certainly hope we get to rock out in heaven ..... I will be really disappointed if worship in Heaven is boring and dull.

So then I checked out the CD. Honestly, after reading that letter I was excited that maybe it would be some pretty rockin' stuff. Yeah, um, not so much. There were 2 or 3 songs that might work in our very contemporary setting, but most of the stuff sounded way too traditional. So then I am curious about why that particular reader was so offended? Is the church really that out of touch with mainstream music?

There were a couple of good articles in the magazine, (they may show up in a blog or two later this week), but most of them were also geared for a much more traditional audience. I did my best to read them all and not roll my eyes, because I am trying to appreciate this company's effort to minister to worship leaders in traditional settings. However, now I am back at the beginning. I am still interested in being on top of the latest, most current trends in the Christian music scene. I just am not sure how to make that happen. Anybody know of a better resource?

Rock the Desert Part 2

I made it home this morning around 7. I do not expect to have time to sleep until later this afternoon because of a busy Sunday. However, tired and exhausted and filthy - I loved Rock the Desert.

Just some scattered, sleepy thoughts on the bands in case you are wondering.

The Wedding was okay - lots of screaming - screaming is not my favorite. But I loved their introduction line. Loud scream into the mic, "We are the Wedding ...... and you know who you are.......let's rock!

Day of Fire - I am totally a new fan. This was probably the most musically talented group there. The bass player, lead guitarist, and drummer were incredible. They played a variety of styles, even an acoustic number about Jesus walking the dark ways to find those of us who are struggling to walk in the light. I was very impressed. Again - lots of screaming - but understandable lyrics.

Disciple - I bought the T-shirt because it was my favorite design. This band was good, they did a really high-energy, head-banging, heavy metal show. I did not like them as well as Day of Fire.

Hawk Nelson - Just didn't do it for me. I know he's some of my friends' favorite, but for me he was a little young - a great listen for teens. Talented, but more the flavor Grace would be interested in.

Red - I missed this one for the most part because I was busy talking on the phone. It sounded pretty good from where I was. Not crazy about the lead singer's green/blue eyeliner. I think if you are going to use eyeliner as a guy, it has to be black.

Switchfoot - I really enjoyed. I like this band and am familiar with most of their stuff. I loved it when the lead singer took a cymbal from the drummer and ran around on stage playing it. The guy behind me and I discussed the option of using this solo technique in worship. He is apparently in a very traditional church, since he said he could do it once before he got fired. Lots of great stories behind their songs.

Oh - and there was one more technique that we should use in worship (sarcasm) - The lead singers of all these bands at some point laid down on their backs on stage while screaming into the microphone. Very interesting technique.

Overall, this weekend I saw a lot of incredible talent. It was a little more head-banging than I would normally listen to, but I loved how much fun the bands were having performing. Everybody that I saw on stage seemed thrilled to have the privilege to be playing together. I also loved the excitement among the teens as they were able to listen to a genre of music that they enjoy, but with positive, uplifting lyrics.

Thanks to my friend who took good care of this concert festival "virgin". I brought a suitcase with a change of clothes. She brought lawn chairs, snacks, a cooler, water, umbrellas, a canopy to shade us from the sun, picnic supplies, sunscreen, paper towels, wippees, etc. When trying something new, it is always great to go with a friend with experience. Her preparations definitely made the weekend go smoothly.

*We set up the canopy/tent thing in less than 10 minutes! We even got compliments from the people sitting around staring at the two chicks wrestling the thing up all by ourselves. With my track record with tents, this was nothing short of a miracle!

Rock the Desert

So I have this awesome husband who is willing to babysit 4 kids so I can take a two day road trip out to Midland with a girlfriend to hang out and listen to awesome music. We arrived this afternoon, got our canopy and chairs set up. Me setting up a tent is always awesome! The early bands were pretty lame. It did cross my mind many times, "We are so much better than them." As the sun went down, the bigger bands played. Family Force Five was fun. They screamed a lot and threw their guitars around, jumped, ran, and head-banged. I was exhausted just watching. But I did enjoy the show, even if it did not lead me into worship.

Now for the good part. Newsboys closed out the evening with an awesome, amazing, incredible, super, wow concert. I am not a huge Newsboys fan in general, however I was really impressed by the lead singer Peter at a worship conference several years ago when I heard him speak about his heart for worship and songwriting. They are not a band that I go out and buy their cds, so I was really surprised by the show tonight.

Newsboys hit the stage ready to rock. The drummer wailed on the drums all night - unbelievable. The keyboard player had 2 keyboards, a synthesizer, and two computers. The first several songs were high energy, hard rocking songs. Then they shifted into worship music. I absolutely loved their set. They did "Blessed by your name and ended with the bridge, "You give and take away." The bass player keep a strong driving bass while the drummer shifted his beat to a tribal feel and they leaped into "He Reigns." Now these happen to be two of my favorite worship songs of all time because of some intimate worship experiences that have occurred while singing these songs.

The first time I ever heard "Blessed Be Your Name" was my first week back in church after a miscarriage several years ago. When we got to that bridge, "You give and take away," I lost it. I could not even compose myself enough to walk out of church. Shawn held me and friends gathered around and laid hands on me and prayed over me as I wept. It was such an intimate moment of worship as God showed me that he was absolutely worthy of my worship, my praise, and my trust, even when he made no sense at all. So every time that I sing that song, I am immediately lifted back into God's presence where he reminds me of his great love for me.

Then to follow it with "He Reigns"! Oh My Gosh!!!! This is one of the other most intimate worship experiences I have taken part in. I was at Saddleback's worship conference and Newsboys was leading worship. We came to the end of He Reigns and continued singing for over 10 minutes after the Newsboys had left the stage. I was surrounded by thousands of musicians lifting up worship to their God. It was a moment that I will not ever forget.

So pairing the two songs together really did pull me right into worship. Time stood still, the people around me disappeared, and their was only an audience of One. The rest of the concert was also fabulous. Peter read the Isaiah passage about mounting up on the wings of eagles as a lead in to a song I had not heard, "Stay Strong." Beautiful! God's Word poured over his people was intimate and precious.

So then the Newsboys changed course and moved back into fun - some relief from the intensiveness of the moment. They did a walk down memory lane and sang pieces of all the old stuff. They did Shine, Breakfast, and Amazing Love. To close out the concert, Peter sat down at his own drum set and joined the drummer for a rockin' duet. I thought long and hard about waking up my drummer friends so they could listen in, but decided against it. The last song of the night was "I am free."

Wow - what a concert experience. Words simply cannot captivate the power and strength of God's presence tonight. I cannot express the depth and complexity of the concert and the finesse of the band in leading us into God's presence. I was blessed to be here tonight. The only thing to make it better would be all of you, my friends, standing beside me - voices and hands raised as one as we worship the King of all Kings.

A blast from the past

Being on facebook has really triggered some old memories. As I have reconnected with friends from elementary school, I have been thinking more about my childhood than I have in many, many, many years. Last night I sat down at the piano and was messing around and recalled the very first song that I ever wrote. I had not thought about it in years and cannot find it anywhere.

The summer that I was 16, I had the incredible opportunity to spend the summer in Russellville, Arkansas, at a music camp for gifted musicians. Not being in band, it was the first time that I had really been involved deeply with other musicians. There were several benchmark moments in my life that summer at camp. But last night I was remembering a friend who could see straight through my facade and taught me what a friend really was.

Douglas was an incredible trumpet player from somewhere in south Arkansas. We immediately connected as musicians, probably the first time that I had ever experienced that weird chemistry thing that musicians have together. We were thick as thieves, very instantly best friends. We were absolutely inseparable for the entire summer at camp. He was my first African-American friend, which in Arkansas was a big deal at the time. He was a hands-on lesson that the ethnicity of friends is not important. Douglas was the first person that I ever met who had an extraordinary spirit of discernment and was not afraid to tell it like it was. I was doing a great job at that time in my life of pretending to be a follower of Christ.  He very literally one day sat me down and said something along the lines of "You are the biggest hypocrite I have ever seen in my entire life." He was right of course, since I had never even made a decision to follow Christ and was just being fake. He was refreshing and real.

Our big project at that camp was writing and performing a song for a panel of judges. I guess it was American idol before there was such a thing. The top three songs were then performed in front of a live audience on the final night of camp. I wrote my first song, based out of Ps. 46 and Is. 43. "God is our refuge and strength, therefore we will never fear. Even if the earth shakes and the mountains fall into the sea. Do not be afraid, for I have called you by your name and you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up, the flames will not consume you. For I am he Lord, you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Not the lyrics to the song, these are the verses the song was based on, since I cannot find the song, I cannot remember how it went.) Last night God was using these verses to remind me about who He is and what kind of stuff He is capable of doing - but that is a blog for another day.

Because I am a big chicken, Douglas helped me write out a trumpet accompaniment for my song so that he could stand in front of the judges with me - so I didn't have to be alone. We won the contest and performed our song in that huge auditorium on the closing night. It was one of the greatest highlights of my life.

Douglas and I kept in touch for awhile, but I gradually lost touch with him as I grew up and went away to college and for a time pursued other interests besides music. However, that summer I learned the value of a friend. A friend is somebody who stands next to you when you are too scared to stand alone. A friend is someone who knows your faults, confronts you with them, and loves you anyway.

I appreciated God reminding me of these things last night. And I am deeply blessed with good friends. I am glad that Douglas was only the beginning.

Random thoughts from "Touch Me, I'm going to scream"

For those of you who are not music nuts and are not interested in my random thoughts about life from music and are sick and tired of me discussing the Paste articles I'm currently reading, this is not your lucky day! Do not attempt to buy a lottery ticket today!

For everybody else, here's the scoop. Last night I was reading the July issue of Paste. I was impressed with an article entitled, "Touch Me I'm Going to Scream", by Jay Sweet about a band called My Morning Jacket.
Sweet had several aha moments in this article. If you are short on time you may want to skip this post as I discuss this article at great length. I do tend to ramble, you know.

Sweet was challenged by My Morning Jacket to try to categorize them after their latest album, and this article is his attempt to say that they cannot be categorized by current genres as they continually push the limits and include a variety of music in their albums. I was reading along without much interest last night while I was simultaneously watching a bio about ABBA. I made it to the second paragraph before I started hunting my pen and making notes. Most of these quotes generated more questions for me than answers. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

"We live in fractured times. Never before in our history have we shared fewer unifying commonalities. Niche is king , and being friends on Facebook or texting each other - sometimes from across the room - passes for human interaction. Some of us find ourselves aching for connection, perhaps to even share some generally accepted cultural touchstones. From the earliest primitive drum circles and fireside chants to The Beatles and Gnarls Barkley, music has been a vehicle for this connection. But as music becomes a more solitary endeavor, experienced on computers in our cubicles, on headphones and in cars, something is lost." OUCH!! Who wastes tons of time on facebook? But, I spent a long while pondering this truth and its application to the church. People are disconnected, they are aching for connection, music was a past vehicle for connection - think back to tribes gathered around the fire, banging on the drum and telling stories. Is this not the role and importance of music in worship? To unite us as people and connect us with God? How can we capitalize on this need?

Now, the next quote that spoke to me - an aha about musical chemistry in a band - I'm not crazy after all. I've seen the way some of you look at me when I try to explain about the energy that exists between some musicians! "I tell ya, it's really magical to be playing with these guys," drummer Patrick Hallahan says. "Something about the energy - we don't mean to create it, and I don't know what the hell it is, but it's so human you can feel it." My question is - why do I have this energy with some musicians and not others? How do we create this energy with a worship band to push to higher levels of musical performance? Can the energy be generated or does it simply exist or not exist?

Then there's the lyrics in My Morning Jacket's new song, "If you touch me well, I just think I'll scream, cuz it's been so long since someone challenged me and made me think about the way things are, made me think about the way they could be." No Kidding! We get up, go to work, come home, bathe the kids, go to bed, get up, go to work.... With very little time for thinking or contemplating the big questions in life.

Here's another quote that really applies to my blog about "sit and soak", "You can only get comfortable for so long before you become stagnant." This is definitely true in music. I have to be pushed past the limits of what I am able to do in order for true musical growth to occur. Growing musically is rarely comfortable and safe. It tends to be risky and unsettling. "Once music stops being surprising to you, or stops being weird enough and becomes obvious, then it loses its purpose. If the music doesn't have the tension-and-release or doesn't have a common thread of connectivity, then it's ultimately disposable."

The other interesting thing that I've noticed now about several bands is the talk of going on retreats to the middle of nowhere together. Just hanging out. "It's important, as a band, that we all feel vested in each other," Koster says as he watches a zookeeper play with a cougar. "So if Jim's mind is opened up to some new music, or Tommy discovers some new tone, then organically it will find its way into all our playing. We are still developing our friendship, which is important for a band." Maybe we should make a bigger effort as worship bands to hang out - maybe that helps create that unexplainable musical energy that makes good music great?

So there are my thoughts on this article - questions mostly. How can we apply the things that are working for secular bands into the worship world to improve our playing and performance?

Katie Herzig - Hologram - God's voice in a song about a screwed up relationship

Before we left town for Aunt Bea's funeral, my new edition of Paste arrived. It was from July - which apparently comes after August in the music magazine world - since I've had the August issue for several weeks? Anyway, I hurriedly downloaded the CD onto my IPOD so I could check out the new stuff on the long trip. Overall, I was pretty disappointed. It was quite a let down for me after the international issue, much less diverse and fresh and more predictable.

However, one song in particular really captivated me. Katie Herzig's "Hologram" was vocally intriguing. It is rare for a vocal to really grab my attention since I tend to pay more attention to instrumentation. The last female vocal to really snare me as a fan was Norah Jones - honestly - how sexy can a voice be? Katie Herzig was intriguing and interesting, but not in the sexy Norah Jones style.

"Hologram" is a song about an absolutely screwed up relationship. Some of the lyrics go like this, "I'm gonna let you down, toss you around.... Oh, if you don't want me, though, I fall in love with you more....I fall in love with hard to get... It's a virtual reality....I'm in a love affair without a love song....I'm in the habit of having what I don't want....I'm just a hologram."

So I'm listening to this the second time when God showed up - talking in my head like a music critic hanging out over a cup of coffee at the local coffeehouse show. "Don't you identify with that?" My incredulous response, "Are you serious? I've been faithfully married my entire adult life." God, the music critic, "No, that's not the truth that's in her words that I want you to hear." So I replayed the song a second and a third time before I heard the truth that God was talking about. Katie Herzig is singing about a messed up love relationship - but her words are easily a very apt description of our pursuit of the American dream. (Yes, I know it's a leap, but that's the way God and I work. - that's why the blog is called "my random thoughts".)

Follow me here - "I'm gonna let you down, toss you around".....sound familiar to anybody? Does life ever do this to you? "If you don't want me though, I only want you more" - Does this not describe our constant quest for the approval of the people around us? "A virtual reality" - that's what we chase after - the "Good Life" ....The next line is where God broke my heart, "I'm in a love affair without a love song." Millions of people are loving things and people and are totally empty and dissatisfied because they do not know the only Love Song, the Savior. "I'm in the habit of having what I don't want." We get new stuff, then want something else. "I'm just a hologram." empty - needing the Love Song to fill us up - to overflow out of our life.

Now, I am aware that Katie Herzig probably had no intention of any of this, but God certainly used her words to convict me of the emptiness that fills our world and the desperate need to live a life filled with the Love Song and to share Him with our friends, family, and neighbors.

For you other music fans, and those of you who also subscribe to Paste, some artists I was also interested in on this CD:

*The Boxmasters - yes, I do not like country - AT ALL - And really - Billy Bob Thornton - please... put me out of my misery...but the song, "The Poor House" made me laugh - the whole working on a plan to pay the bills - and screwing it up every step of the way - absolutely!

*My morning jacket - "I'm Amazed" - worth a second listen.

*My Brightest Diamond - "Inside a boy" - unique

*Hayden - "Where and When" - a nice horn interlude

*Priscilla Ahn - "Dream" - my 2nd favorite on this CD - I really liked this one.

*Daniella Cotton - "Bang My Drum" - I did listen to this one the 3rd time awhile ago.