Today marks 18 years of marriage to the amazing Shawn Kemp. Since I was only 18 when I married, this is my milestone anniversary of now being married for as long as I was single. Last night we went out to eat to celebrate. I asked Shawn what he thought the secret to our marriage might be. His immediate answer, "stubbornness." Then he tried to back-track to tell me that I am persistent. But there is great truth in his answer. There have been many times that the primary reason that I am married is because I have been to mule headed to give up. This made me start to think about how we have successfully maintained a healthy marriage, when many others have ended in failure. I decided that surely I could come up with 18 reasons why my marriage is successful. Here is my list - may you find something that speaks hope into your marriage.
1. God Alone. God's love and faithfulness far exceed my own. It is through his power and grace that I have been able to withstand tough times in our marriage. It is in realizing that it is God's job to complete me - not Shawn's - that helps our marriage to be healthy. For too many years, I expected Shawn to fulfill me. The emptiness that is within me is far too great for a human to fill. It was designed to be filled up by God and God alone. In learning to pursue my relationship with God, I have learned to set Shawn free to do the same.
2. Prayer. I can't even explain how many hours I have spent in prayer for my husband and our marriage. I pray with thanksgiving during the good times, and I pray with desperation during the dark times. It is through prayer that I am able to tap into God's power and find the perseverance to continue.
3. Stubbornness. I think Shawn is right - many times in our marriage, the fact that I am just plain mule headed kept me from leaving. I refuse to give up, and I refuse to settle for "just okay." I keep trying, and I keep expecting things to improve.
4. Respect and kindness. I treat Shawn with the respect that I feel human beings deserve as valuable creations. I do not blast him, nag him, or belittle him. When I am angry, I do my best to express my concern over the issue at hand without raising my voice or changing my tone. This is not easy, and it does not provide the immediate satisfaction that yelling might - however, when the issue has been calmly resolved, I am left with very few regrets about unfair things that I might have said during the heat of battle that could never be taken back. I would say that for the most part Shawn tries to treat me in the same way.
5. Remember better days. When times get tough, it helps me to review the past. There are many good memories that I can review to remind myself that this season will pass and the good will return. Having many years in our past helps us to wait out the storms that might be in the present.
6. Honor. Shawn consistently treats me with honor. He attempts to guard his eyes from looking at other women with lust. He wants to guard his heart and eyes so that I am the only person who captivates his heart. I do not have to be afraid that he will embarrass me in public by comparing me to other women and discussing my flaws. EVER. He is never rude about the weight that I have gained, the wrinkles that have found my eyes, or the gray hair I now color. He affirms my beauty and never makes me feel lacking in the presence of others.
7. Time. We try hard to date at least once a month. I will confess that this year we have been more lax in this habit, and to be honest, it has shown. This has been probably one of our toughest years ever of marriage - in large part due to busyness, lack of communication, and teen drama. Dating can be redefined so that it is inexpensive and doesn't always require a sitter - we often "date" in our kitchen late at night. We'll prepare a special dessert, a good cup of coffee, and dance in the candlelight.
8. Communication. We attempt to sit down at the kitchen table a couple of times a month to sync our calendars and make sure we are on the same page with our schedule. Again, this year we have been too busy and have let this slide and arguments have arisen over schedule conflicts and poor communication. We also try to communicate using "I" messages. For example, "I feel special when you..... or I feel neglected because......" I know, it seems cheesy at first, but it helps with the defensiveness that crops up in discussions.
9. Physical touch. I make it a point to sit next to my husband at events if possible. When we walk down the street, I still hold his hand. I want to communicate to him - especially in public - that he is still the man who captured my heart.
10. Great sex. There are many times in a marriage that magic in the bedroom will cover a lot of flaws. There have been times over the last 18 years that I have stayed because contemplating giving up the amazing magic we are fortunate to share made me realize that I could put up with a lot to avoid being single and having to practice celibacy.
11. Good friends. I need friends who can support me with godly advice and prayers. I need friends who can be trusted confidants. These are not easy to find as a pastor's wife. I must be cautious because while I may need a friend to pray with me about a problem in my marriage, I don't need a friend who will gossip and damage my husband's reputation and ministry.
12. Laughter. Learning to laugh at life and to just simply enjoy life together is a huge plus in a marriage. I love when we have the opportunity to laugh long and hard. Having fun together is a must!
13. Mind over matter. This is one of Shawn's favorite sayings. "If you don't mind, it don't matter." In other words, don't sweat the small stuff. We are both human. We both make mistakes. Lots of them. Forgive and move on. Don't get hung up on stuff that is really insignificant in the long run.
14. Our kids. Enjoying our kids together draws us together in our marriage. Attending their events, parenting together, and watching them experience life helps us have common interests. We are fortunate that we are generally on the same page with discipline and parenting philosophy.
15. Common interests. Finding things that we enjoy together strengthens our marriage. We recently built a deck, something we both enjoyed doing together. We cook together. Shawn cooks, and I sit on a stool and watch.
16. Don't take yourself too seriously. Being able to admit my faults and to realize that I am often wrong and to laugh at my mistakes helps our marriage stay healthy. For example, I am easily one of the clumsiest people I know. What's awesome is that Shawn thinks it's adorable when I drop my money in my coffee cup, spill the coffee on myself EVERY morning, trip down the stairs, or get my shirt stuck around my head and fall down trying to get dressed. Being able to laugh about this keeps me from having hurt feelings or feeling self conscious.
17. Work together. Shawn helps me with the housework. This is key to our marriage's success. We both work long hard hours at our jobs. The fact that I know he is going to handle the grocery shopping and the cooking is a huge relief for me. He is great at doing laundry, vacuuming, and his favorite - dusting. I know that if I am cleaning, he will be helping.
18. Forgiveness. There are times in marriage when big offenses are committed. This is because we are human. We can hold onto grudges, anger, and bitterness - or we can forgive. I choose forgiveness. Life is too short to be miserable with anger and filled with contempt and hatred. I can not begin to count the number of times that I have been completely stupid in the last 18 years - I needed forgiveness, not condemnation. I am fortunate to be married to a man who forgives and moves on. For my part, I genuinely struggle with memory loss, so I simply forgive and forget.
This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but simply 18 things that came to my mind as I sat in front of my computer screen. I am sure there are many other things that are equally as important that I simply didn't remember right this minute. But bottom line - I treat Shawn with respect, he treats me with adoring honor, and we passionately pursue God. I think these three things are really the keys to our success. Marriage is not easy. Disney fairy tales are not reality shows. Marriage is about learning to love an imperfect person - after all, God does not demand perfection before he loves us.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
18 ways to stay married 18 years
Today marks 18 years of marriage to the amazing Shawn Kemp. Since I was only 18 when I married, this is my milestone anniversary of now being married for as long as I was single. Last night we went out to eat to celebrate. I asked Shawn what he thought the secret to our marriage might be. His immediate answer, "stubbornness." Then he tried to back-track to tell me that I am persistent. But there is great truth in his answer. There have been many times that the primary reason that I am married is because I have been to mule headed to give up. This made me start to think about how we have successfully maintained a healthy marriage, when many others have ended in failure. I decided that surely I could come up with 18 reasons why my marriage is successful. Here is my list - may you find something that speaks hope into your marriage.
1. God Alone. God's love and faithfulness far exceed my own. It is through his power and grace that I have been able to withstand tough times in our marriage. It is in realizing that it is God's job to complete me - not Shawn's - that helps our marriage to be healthy. For too many years, I expected Shawn to fulfill me. The emptiness that is within me is far too great for a human to fill. It was designed to be filled up by God and God alone. In learning to pursue my relationship with God, I have learned to set Shawn free to do the same.
2. Prayer. I can't even explain how many hours I have spent in prayer for my husband and our marriage. I pray with thanksgiving during the good times, and I pray with desperation during the dark times. It is through prayer that I am able to tap into God's power and find the perseverance to continue.
3. Stubbornness. I think Shawn is right - many times in our marriage, the fact that I am just plain mule headed kept me from leaving. I refuse to give up, and I refuse to settle for "just okay." I keep trying, and I keep expecting things to improve.
4. Respect and kindness. I treat Shawn with the respect that I feel human beings deserve as valuable creations. I do not blast him, nag him, or belittle him. When I am angry, I do my best to express my concern over the issue at hand without raising my voice or changing my tone. This is not easy, and it does not provide the immediate satisfaction that yelling might - however, when the issue has been calmly resolved, I am left with very few regrets about unfair things that I might have said during the heat of battle that could never be taken back. I would say that for the most part Shawn tries to treat me in the same way.
5. Remember better days. When times get tough, it helps me to review the past. There are many good memories that I can review to remind myself that this season will pass and the good will return. Having many years in our past helps us to wait out the storms that might be in the present.
6. Honor. Shawn consistently treats me with honor. He attempts to guard his eyes from looking at other women with lust. He wants to guard his heart and eyes so that I am the only person who captivates his heart. I do not have to be afraid that he will embarrass me in public by comparing me to other women and discussing my flaws. EVER. He is never rude about the weight that I have gained, the wrinkles that have found my eyes, or the gray hair I now color. He affirms my beauty and never makes me feel lacking in the presence of others.
7. Time. We try hard to date at least once a month. I will confess that this year we have been more lax in this habit, and to be honest, it has shown. This has been probably one of our toughest years ever of marriage - in large part due to busyness, lack of communication, and teen drama. Dating can be redefined so that it is inexpensive and doesn't always require a sitter - we often "date" in our kitchen late at night. We'll prepare a special dessert, a good cup of coffee, and dance in the candlelight.
8. Communication. We attempt to sit down at the kitchen table a couple of times a month to sync our calendars and make sure we are on the same page with our schedule. Again, this year we have been too busy and have let this slide and arguments have arisen over schedule conflicts and poor communication. We also try to communicate using "I" messages. For example, "I feel special when you..... or I feel neglected because......" I know, it seems cheesy at first, but it helps with the defensiveness that crops up in discussions.
9. Physical touch. I make it a point to sit next to my husband at events if possible. When we walk down the street, I still hold his hand. I want to communicate to him - especially in public - that he is still the man who captured my heart.
10. Great sex. There are many times in a marriage that magic in the bedroom will cover a lot of flaws. There have been times over the last 18 years that I have stayed because contemplating giving up the amazing magic we are fortunate to share made me realize that I could put up with a lot to avoid being single and having to practice celibacy.
11. Good friends. I need friends who can support me with godly advice and prayers. I need friends who can be trusted confidants. These are not easy to find as a pastor's wife. I must be cautious because while I may need a friend to pray with me about a problem in my marriage, I don't need a friend who will gossip and damage my husband's reputation and ministry.
12. Laughter. Learning to laugh at life and to just simply enjoy life together is a huge plus in a marriage. I love when we have the opportunity to laugh long and hard. Having fun together is a must!
13. Mind over matter. This is one of Shawn's favorite sayings. "If you don't mind, it don't matter." In other words, don't sweat the small stuff. We are both human. We both make mistakes. Lots of them. Forgive and move on. Don't get hung up on stuff that is really insignificant in the long run.
14. Our kids. Enjoying our kids together draws us together in our marriage. Attending their events, parenting together, and watching them experience life helps us have common interests. We are fortunate that we are generally on the same page with discipline and parenting philosophy.
15. Common interests. Finding things that we enjoy together strengthens our marriage. We recently built a deck, something we both enjoyed doing together. We cook together. Shawn cooks, and I sit on a stool and watch.
16. Don't take yourself too seriously. Being able to admit my faults and to realize that I am often wrong and to laugh at my mistakes helps our marriage stay healthy. For example, I am easily one of the clumsiest people I know. What's awesome is that Shawn thinks it's adorable when I drop my money in my coffee cup, spill the coffee on myself EVERY morning, trip down the stairs, or get my shirt stuck around my head and fall down trying to get dressed. Being able to laugh about this keeps me from having hurt feelings or feeling self conscious.
17. Work together. Shawn helps me with the housework. This is key to our marriage's success. We both work long hard hours at our jobs. The fact that I know he is going to handle the grocery shopping and the cooking is a huge relief for me. He is great at doing laundry, vacuuming, and his favorite - dusting. I know that if I am cleaning, he will be helping.
18. Forgiveness. There are times in marriage when big offenses are committed. This is because we are human. We can hold onto grudges, anger, and bitterness - or we can forgive. I choose forgiveness. Life is too short to be miserable with anger and filled with contempt and hatred. I can not begin to count the number of times that I have been completely stupid in the last 18 years - I needed forgiveness, not condemnation. I am fortunate to be married to a man who forgives and moves on. For my part, I genuinely struggle with memory loss, so I simply forgive and forget.
This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but simply 18 things that came to my mind as I sat in front of my computer screen. I am sure there are many other things that are equally as important that I simply didn't remember right this minute. But bottom line - I treat Shawn with respect, he treats me with adoring honor, and we passionately pursue God. I think these three things are really the keys to our success. Marriage is not easy. Disney fairy tales are not reality shows. Marriage is about learning to love an imperfect person - after all, God does not demand perfection before he loves us.
1. God Alone. God's love and faithfulness far exceed my own. It is through his power and grace that I have been able to withstand tough times in our marriage. It is in realizing that it is God's job to complete me - not Shawn's - that helps our marriage to be healthy. For too many years, I expected Shawn to fulfill me. The emptiness that is within me is far too great for a human to fill. It was designed to be filled up by God and God alone. In learning to pursue my relationship with God, I have learned to set Shawn free to do the same.
2. Prayer. I can't even explain how many hours I have spent in prayer for my husband and our marriage. I pray with thanksgiving during the good times, and I pray with desperation during the dark times. It is through prayer that I am able to tap into God's power and find the perseverance to continue.
3. Stubbornness. I think Shawn is right - many times in our marriage, the fact that I am just plain mule headed kept me from leaving. I refuse to give up, and I refuse to settle for "just okay." I keep trying, and I keep expecting things to improve.
4. Respect and kindness. I treat Shawn with the respect that I feel human beings deserve as valuable creations. I do not blast him, nag him, or belittle him. When I am angry, I do my best to express my concern over the issue at hand without raising my voice or changing my tone. This is not easy, and it does not provide the immediate satisfaction that yelling might - however, when the issue has been calmly resolved, I am left with very few regrets about unfair things that I might have said during the heat of battle that could never be taken back. I would say that for the most part Shawn tries to treat me in the same way.
5. Remember better days. When times get tough, it helps me to review the past. There are many good memories that I can review to remind myself that this season will pass and the good will return. Having many years in our past helps us to wait out the storms that might be in the present.
6. Honor. Shawn consistently treats me with honor. He attempts to guard his eyes from looking at other women with lust. He wants to guard his heart and eyes so that I am the only person who captivates his heart. I do not have to be afraid that he will embarrass me in public by comparing me to other women and discussing my flaws. EVER. He is never rude about the weight that I have gained, the wrinkles that have found my eyes, or the gray hair I now color. He affirms my beauty and never makes me feel lacking in the presence of others.
7. Time. We try hard to date at least once a month. I will confess that this year we have been more lax in this habit, and to be honest, it has shown. This has been probably one of our toughest years ever of marriage - in large part due to busyness, lack of communication, and teen drama. Dating can be redefined so that it is inexpensive and doesn't always require a sitter - we often "date" in our kitchen late at night. We'll prepare a special dessert, a good cup of coffee, and dance in the candlelight.
8. Communication. We attempt to sit down at the kitchen table a couple of times a month to sync our calendars and make sure we are on the same page with our schedule. Again, this year we have been too busy and have let this slide and arguments have arisen over schedule conflicts and poor communication. We also try to communicate using "I" messages. For example, "I feel special when you..... or I feel neglected because......" I know, it seems cheesy at first, but it helps with the defensiveness that crops up in discussions.
9. Physical touch. I make it a point to sit next to my husband at events if possible. When we walk down the street, I still hold his hand. I want to communicate to him - especially in public - that he is still the man who captured my heart.
10. Great sex. There are many times in a marriage that magic in the bedroom will cover a lot of flaws. There have been times over the last 18 years that I have stayed because contemplating giving up the amazing magic we are fortunate to share made me realize that I could put up with a lot to avoid being single and having to practice celibacy.
11. Good friends. I need friends who can support me with godly advice and prayers. I need friends who can be trusted confidants. These are not easy to find as a pastor's wife. I must be cautious because while I may need a friend to pray with me about a problem in my marriage, I don't need a friend who will gossip and damage my husband's reputation and ministry.
12. Laughter. Learning to laugh at life and to just simply enjoy life together is a huge plus in a marriage. I love when we have the opportunity to laugh long and hard. Having fun together is a must!
13. Mind over matter. This is one of Shawn's favorite sayings. "If you don't mind, it don't matter." In other words, don't sweat the small stuff. We are both human. We both make mistakes. Lots of them. Forgive and move on. Don't get hung up on stuff that is really insignificant in the long run.
14. Our kids. Enjoying our kids together draws us together in our marriage. Attending their events, parenting together, and watching them experience life helps us have common interests. We are fortunate that we are generally on the same page with discipline and parenting philosophy.
15. Common interests. Finding things that we enjoy together strengthens our marriage. We recently built a deck, something we both enjoyed doing together. We cook together. Shawn cooks, and I sit on a stool and watch.
16. Don't take yourself too seriously. Being able to admit my faults and to realize that I am often wrong and to laugh at my mistakes helps our marriage stay healthy. For example, I am easily one of the clumsiest people I know. What's awesome is that Shawn thinks it's adorable when I drop my money in my coffee cup, spill the coffee on myself EVERY morning, trip down the stairs, or get my shirt stuck around my head and fall down trying to get dressed. Being able to laugh about this keeps me from having hurt feelings or feeling self conscious.
17. Work together. Shawn helps me with the housework. This is key to our marriage's success. We both work long hard hours at our jobs. The fact that I know he is going to handle the grocery shopping and the cooking is a huge relief for me. He is great at doing laundry, vacuuming, and his favorite - dusting. I know that if I am cleaning, he will be helping.
18. Forgiveness. There are times in marriage when big offenses are committed. This is because we are human. We can hold onto grudges, anger, and bitterness - or we can forgive. I choose forgiveness. Life is too short to be miserable with anger and filled with contempt and hatred. I can not begin to count the number of times that I have been completely stupid in the last 18 years - I needed forgiveness, not condemnation. I am fortunate to be married to a man who forgives and moves on. For my part, I genuinely struggle with memory loss, so I simply forgive and forget.
This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but simply 18 things that came to my mind as I sat in front of my computer screen. I am sure there are many other things that are equally as important that I simply didn't remember right this minute. But bottom line - I treat Shawn with respect, he treats me with adoring honor, and we passionately pursue God. I think these three things are really the keys to our success. Marriage is not easy. Disney fairy tales are not reality shows. Marriage is about learning to love an imperfect person - after all, God does not demand perfection before he loves us.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
What a girl wants
Sunday I had the opportunity to share with the men in our congregation about how to love their wives. I have promised all week that I would post the main points on the blog, so here it is, with all the funny stories edited out. It is still way long. Feel free to break it up into smaller chunks for reading purposes. Just so you all know, I lost power no less than 6 times while trying to post this. Crazy, huh!
"And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her.” Ephesians 5:25
Most men desperately love their wives. I have met a few exceptions, but generally when I talk to men they tell me about what an incredible woman their wife is. However, somewhere in the craziness of life, many men do not communicate their adoration and admiration to their beautiful wives. Then they are confused about why their wife is frustrated, irritable, and not interested in sex.
The verse in Ephesians is a reminder that Christ loved us unconditionally and abundantly. Most guys would stop a bullet for their wife, but I think this verse is about so much more than Christ dying for us. He lived every moment of his life on earth to love his people. He healed the sick, made the lame to walk, and made people whole. He gave away his life every single day to the people around him.
So how do you communicate love to your wife? How do you make her feel like she in an amazing and incredible woman?
1. Your wife needs affection.
“Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really show it by our actions.”
1 John 3:18
Affection is expressed with words and with actions. While this verse in 1 John expresses the importance of demonstrating love with actions, it also reminds us that saying we love each other is important. Love must be expressed verbally, and with actions. Women cannot read your mind. They do not know that you think they are amazing unless you say it out loud.
“How beautiful you are, my beloved, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are like doves. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats frisking down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are as white as sheep, newly shorn and washed. They are perfectly matched; not one is missing. Your breasts are like twin fawns of a gazelle, feeding among the lilies.” Song of Songs 4:1-2, 5
Solomon was very wise. As he held his beloved in his arms, he begins at the tip of her head, and expresses his thoughts about her beautiful body all the way to her toes. He is generous in his praise....even noticing her complete set of teeth!
If you don't know what to say - I have one word - Hallmark. Buy her a card, send her a text, email her during the day. The point is to be abundant in your praise. Make sure that she hears from you often about how beautiful she is and how much you love her. You will be amazed at her reaction. (Just read the end of Song of Songs, chapter 4 - something about come into my garden....)
“Kiss me again and again, for your love is sweeter than wine.” Song of Songs 1:2
I skipped this verse in the message on Sunday, but I thought it was worth pointing out here that women and men daydream differently. When a man fantasizes about his wife, she's either naked or getting that way. But notice what the bride is saying in this verse. She is fantasizing about kissing her husband. Women daydream about slow dancing, walking in the rain holding hands, about laughing over dinner, about sharing our souls, and about making out with our sexy husbands. We are romantics at heart. Most women need romance in order to be ready for the getting naked part of marriage. Skipping the romance is a large part of what leads women to resentment.
However, women understand romance in a variety of ways. The key is studying your wife to figure out how she understands love, and to offer her affection in a way that meets that need.
“My lover said to me, ‘Rise up, my beloved, my fair one, and come away … Come my love, let us go out into the field and spend the night among the wildflowers. Let us get up early and go out to the vineyards.” Song of Songs 2:10, 7:11-12
Notice what Solomon is doing here. He's planning a date. All women like to be dated. For women like me that are way far over on the spectrum of quality time for our love language, dates are non-negotiable. Back in the day our marriage counselor recommended that we date a MINIMUM of once a month, and that we go away for the weekend at least 3 times a year. Can't afford it? Well, it's far cheaper than a divorce.
Touching your wife is another important part of showing her affection. Many women complain to me in counseling sessions that their husband only touches their boobs - that it has been years since he touched them anywhere else. While men like to go for the goal right away, your wife wants to be touched differently. We like a back rub, a squeeze on the arm, a kiss on the cheek, holding hands, running your fingers through our hair while we watch TV, or a gentle hand on the small of our back. These are the touches that signal love to us - that we are valuable and important in your life - that we matter to you as more than someone who warms your bed at night.
Many women also love small gifts such as flowers, coffee, a favorite snack (I like fudge rounds), or other inexpensive items. Bottom line - experiment. Notice when your wife's eyes light up. That means you have hit the jackpot. Wives - help your husband out. Don't be afraid to say, "I really like it when you....." Despite what Danielle Steele says in her romance novels, men cannot read your mind.
2. Your wife needs conversation.
“My dove is hiding behind some rocks, behind an outcrop on the cliff. Let me see you let me hear your voice. For your voice is pleasant, and you are lovely.” Song of Songs 2:14
A woman's soul is like a dove hiding behind a rock. After being wounded in many relationships, we become cautious about sharing our soul. You have to work hard to draw us out into the open. Women want you to want them. They want you to want to know them deeply and intimately. They want to be heard when they are sharing their hurts, joys, pains, and dreams. This is hard for most men. Learning to listen to a woman and not try to fix her problems is like learning to speak Russian for most guys. Keep trying - don't give up!
“His mouth is altogether sweet; he is lovely in every way. Such, O women of Jerusalem, is my lover, my friend.” Song of Songs 5:16
Your wife wants you to be her best friend. She wants you to know and understand her, and she wants to know and understand you. Many men are done talking by the end of the day. They want to come home, sit down and relax. However, most women still have about 30,000 words left to speak. If you do not talk to your wife, she will invent negative things that you might be thinking about - when you are actually just in your nothing box relaxing.
Practical tip - try to head off the storm. God did not make men with the ability to multi-task. You cannot watch TV or play on your phone and listen to your wife at the same time. That's okay, it's the way you are designed. If you will give your wife about 15 minutes every day of your undivided attention, your marriage will change.
I come home every day to a pot of coffee. No matter who's on the phone, what crisis is going on, or how busy he is, Shawn stops his life. We sit down on the couch for a few minutes and talk. "How was your day?" "Alright." "How was yours?" "good." It's usually not anything profound or earth shattering, but sometimes we do have big news to share, or I need to vent about a student, or he needs advice on a ministry idea.
Find what works for you. Some people have coffee before work, some meet for lunch, we visit a lot while we cook dinner together, some people go for a walk after supper, some share a late night snack after the kids are in bed. Spending time talking to and listening to your wife is critical. I can't emphasize that enough. When I counsel women involved in affairs, they all say the same thing. "But he just 'gets' me." Women end up in affairs with men who make them feel understood. You be the man that knows your wife!
3. Your wife needs a teammate.
“And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him.’” Genesis 2:18
Your wife wants to be your companion, your teammate, your best friend. Not your mom. Life is tough. You wife wants someone who can stand beside her and help her weather the storm. There are two major things she is looking for.
a. Your wife wants you to be a great dad.
There is nothing sexier than a man who delights in his kids. We love to watch you affirming, hanging out, playing with our kids. When you love our kids, it's the same as loving us. When I catch my husband patiently explaining Katie's math homework, or talking to James about how proud he is of him, or holding Grace close when she cries - I am awed. When I catch my husband being a great dad, I am so very thankful that I get to be married to him! It reminds me that he is amazing and worthy of respect!
b. Your wife needs help around the house.
I know you hate housework. I know that you work hard and want to relax when you get home. Yep. Me too.
When women come tell me they are thinking about a divorce, the conversation almost always starts like this, "He never helps around the house." I don't know of anything that women resent more than a man who sits on his butt while they are cleaning.
But let me share the positive side of helping around the house. One of my friends said today, "My husband is only one clean house away from the night of his dreams." All the other women quickly agreed. Is your wife too tired at night? Be a part of the solution. Help with getting the house clean so that she has time to relax and shift gears before bed.
How you choose to be a part of the solution may vary. I know couples that have specific chore lists, some hire housekeepers, some clean just on Friday night and then go out to eat, we clean every day (our house is on the market). We just sort of dive in and do whatever needs doing. We don't sit down and watch TV unless we can both sit down.
Ladies - if your husband is trying, notice and compliment him! He doesn't have to do the chores exactly the way you like them. Only correct major issues - things like washing reds with whites, putting dawn in the dishwasher, mixing bleach and ammonia....He doesn't have to do it all your way for it to be right.
“There are three things that amaze me - no, four things I do not understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman.” Proverbs 30:18-19
You may feel overwhelmed at this point. Women are complicated creatures, loving them can be challenging. Let me leave you with one last thought - it's okay to change slowly. Rome wasn't built in a day. Be patient. Seek every day to love your wife more tan you did the day before.
Wives - encourage your husband on this journey. He is not a girl and does not understand how God made you. Be patient as he tries. He will make mistakes and do stupid stuff. So do you. So forgive him and try again.
I want you all to know that Shawn and I are praying for your marriages. We believe in you. We know that sometimes you may hit a tough spot. Hang in there and keep trying. The best things in life are usually not the easiest ones.
"And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her.” Ephesians 5:25
Most men desperately love their wives. I have met a few exceptions, but generally when I talk to men they tell me about what an incredible woman their wife is. However, somewhere in the craziness of life, many men do not communicate their adoration and admiration to their beautiful wives. Then they are confused about why their wife is frustrated, irritable, and not interested in sex.
The verse in Ephesians is a reminder that Christ loved us unconditionally and abundantly. Most guys would stop a bullet for their wife, but I think this verse is about so much more than Christ dying for us. He lived every moment of his life on earth to love his people. He healed the sick, made the lame to walk, and made people whole. He gave away his life every single day to the people around him.
So how do you communicate love to your wife? How do you make her feel like she in an amazing and incredible woman?
1. Your wife needs affection.
“Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really show it by our actions.”
1 John 3:18
Affection is expressed with words and with actions. While this verse in 1 John expresses the importance of demonstrating love with actions, it also reminds us that saying we love each other is important. Love must be expressed verbally, and with actions. Women cannot read your mind. They do not know that you think they are amazing unless you say it out loud.
“How beautiful you are, my beloved, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are like doves. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats frisking down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are as white as sheep, newly shorn and washed. They are perfectly matched; not one is missing. Your breasts are like twin fawns of a gazelle, feeding among the lilies.” Song of Songs 4:1-2, 5
Solomon was very wise. As he held his beloved in his arms, he begins at the tip of her head, and expresses his thoughts about her beautiful body all the way to her toes. He is generous in his praise....even noticing her complete set of teeth!
If you don't know what to say - I have one word - Hallmark. Buy her a card, send her a text, email her during the day. The point is to be abundant in your praise. Make sure that she hears from you often about how beautiful she is and how much you love her. You will be amazed at her reaction. (Just read the end of Song of Songs, chapter 4 - something about come into my garden....)
“Kiss me again and again, for your love is sweeter than wine.” Song of Songs 1:2
I skipped this verse in the message on Sunday, but I thought it was worth pointing out here that women and men daydream differently. When a man fantasizes about his wife, she's either naked or getting that way. But notice what the bride is saying in this verse. She is fantasizing about kissing her husband. Women daydream about slow dancing, walking in the rain holding hands, about laughing over dinner, about sharing our souls, and about making out with our sexy husbands. We are romantics at heart. Most women need romance in order to be ready for the getting naked part of marriage. Skipping the romance is a large part of what leads women to resentment.
However, women understand romance in a variety of ways. The key is studying your wife to figure out how she understands love, and to offer her affection in a way that meets that need.
“My lover said to me, ‘Rise up, my beloved, my fair one, and come away … Come my love, let us go out into the field and spend the night among the wildflowers. Let us get up early and go out to the vineyards.” Song of Songs 2:10, 7:11-12
Notice what Solomon is doing here. He's planning a date. All women like to be dated. For women like me that are way far over on the spectrum of quality time for our love language, dates are non-negotiable. Back in the day our marriage counselor recommended that we date a MINIMUM of once a month, and that we go away for the weekend at least 3 times a year. Can't afford it? Well, it's far cheaper than a divorce.
Touching your wife is another important part of showing her affection. Many women complain to me in counseling sessions that their husband only touches their boobs - that it has been years since he touched them anywhere else. While men like to go for the goal right away, your wife wants to be touched differently. We like a back rub, a squeeze on the arm, a kiss on the cheek, holding hands, running your fingers through our hair while we watch TV, or a gentle hand on the small of our back. These are the touches that signal love to us - that we are valuable and important in your life - that we matter to you as more than someone who warms your bed at night.
Many women also love small gifts such as flowers, coffee, a favorite snack (I like fudge rounds), or other inexpensive items. Bottom line - experiment. Notice when your wife's eyes light up. That means you have hit the jackpot. Wives - help your husband out. Don't be afraid to say, "I really like it when you....." Despite what Danielle Steele says in her romance novels, men cannot read your mind.
2. Your wife needs conversation.
“My dove is hiding behind some rocks, behind an outcrop on the cliff. Let me see you let me hear your voice. For your voice is pleasant, and you are lovely.” Song of Songs 2:14
A woman's soul is like a dove hiding behind a rock. After being wounded in many relationships, we become cautious about sharing our soul. You have to work hard to draw us out into the open. Women want you to want them. They want you to want to know them deeply and intimately. They want to be heard when they are sharing their hurts, joys, pains, and dreams. This is hard for most men. Learning to listen to a woman and not try to fix her problems is like learning to speak Russian for most guys. Keep trying - don't give up!
“His mouth is altogether sweet; he is lovely in every way. Such, O women of Jerusalem, is my lover, my friend.” Song of Songs 5:16
Your wife wants you to be her best friend. She wants you to know and understand her, and she wants to know and understand you. Many men are done talking by the end of the day. They want to come home, sit down and relax. However, most women still have about 30,000 words left to speak. If you do not talk to your wife, she will invent negative things that you might be thinking about - when you are actually just in your nothing box relaxing.
Practical tip - try to head off the storm. God did not make men with the ability to multi-task. You cannot watch TV or play on your phone and listen to your wife at the same time. That's okay, it's the way you are designed. If you will give your wife about 15 minutes every day of your undivided attention, your marriage will change.
I come home every day to a pot of coffee. No matter who's on the phone, what crisis is going on, or how busy he is, Shawn stops his life. We sit down on the couch for a few minutes and talk. "How was your day?" "Alright." "How was yours?" "good." It's usually not anything profound or earth shattering, but sometimes we do have big news to share, or I need to vent about a student, or he needs advice on a ministry idea.
Find what works for you. Some people have coffee before work, some meet for lunch, we visit a lot while we cook dinner together, some people go for a walk after supper, some share a late night snack after the kids are in bed. Spending time talking to and listening to your wife is critical. I can't emphasize that enough. When I counsel women involved in affairs, they all say the same thing. "But he just 'gets' me." Women end up in affairs with men who make them feel understood. You be the man that knows your wife!
3. Your wife needs a teammate.
“And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him.’” Genesis 2:18
Your wife wants to be your companion, your teammate, your best friend. Not your mom. Life is tough. You wife wants someone who can stand beside her and help her weather the storm. There are two major things she is looking for.
a. Your wife wants you to be a great dad.
There is nothing sexier than a man who delights in his kids. We love to watch you affirming, hanging out, playing with our kids. When you love our kids, it's the same as loving us. When I catch my husband patiently explaining Katie's math homework, or talking to James about how proud he is of him, or holding Grace close when she cries - I am awed. When I catch my husband being a great dad, I am so very thankful that I get to be married to him! It reminds me that he is amazing and worthy of respect!
b. Your wife needs help around the house.
I know you hate housework. I know that you work hard and want to relax when you get home. Yep. Me too.
When women come tell me they are thinking about a divorce, the conversation almost always starts like this, "He never helps around the house." I don't know of anything that women resent more than a man who sits on his butt while they are cleaning.
But let me share the positive side of helping around the house. One of my friends said today, "My husband is only one clean house away from the night of his dreams." All the other women quickly agreed. Is your wife too tired at night? Be a part of the solution. Help with getting the house clean so that she has time to relax and shift gears before bed.
How you choose to be a part of the solution may vary. I know couples that have specific chore lists, some hire housekeepers, some clean just on Friday night and then go out to eat, we clean every day (our house is on the market). We just sort of dive in and do whatever needs doing. We don't sit down and watch TV unless we can both sit down.
Ladies - if your husband is trying, notice and compliment him! He doesn't have to do the chores exactly the way you like them. Only correct major issues - things like washing reds with whites, putting dawn in the dishwasher, mixing bleach and ammonia....He doesn't have to do it all your way for it to be right.
“There are three things that amaze me - no, four things I do not understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman.” Proverbs 30:18-19
You may feel overwhelmed at this point. Women are complicated creatures, loving them can be challenging. Let me leave you with one last thought - it's okay to change slowly. Rome wasn't built in a day. Be patient. Seek every day to love your wife more tan you did the day before.
Wives - encourage your husband on this journey. He is not a girl and does not understand how God made you. Be patient as he tries. He will make mistakes and do stupid stuff. So do you. So forgive him and try again.
I want you all to know that Shawn and I are praying for your marriages. We believe in you. We know that sometimes you may hit a tough spot. Hang in there and keep trying. The best things in life are usually not the easiest ones.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
17 reasons
Saturday I am celebrating 17 years of marriage to the same guy. Shawn and I have been married since we were mere infants. Somewhere along the way, we turned into adults. We have been crazy in love most of those 17 years, and even when times were tough, we stuck it out and made it through. Every day that I wake up next to him, I am incredibly grateful. I don't take the opportunity nearly enough to let him know just how amazing he is, so that's tonight's blog.
Just for you, babe.
17 reasons why I love my husband.
1. His eyes subtly change color with his moods. They get darker when he is angry or very tired or very passionate. They are greener when he is laughing, or playful.
2. His hair has delightful curls. I can be fascinated for hours just stretching the curls out and letting them spring back.
3. He has great calves. Amazing! Looks great in shorts and flip flops.
4. He adores his children. He is gentle and kind with our girls - showing them how a real man treats a woman. He is patient long after I am frustrated.
5. He speaks affirmation over our son, giving him that desired "dad blessing" that boys crave.
6. He does dishes (and laundry, and vacuums, and dusts)
7. He fixes stuff that breaks, like the dryer. (without ever being nagged)
8. He does the grocery shopping. Enduring that hell known as Wal-mart, simply so that I don't have to go to the store after working a long day.
9. He pursues God passionately, seeking to live a life surrendered to God's will as best he understands it at the moment.
10. He seeks purity. He turns away from temptations so that he can look me in the eye without guilt.
11. He loves people. He enjoys meeting new people and having friends into our home.
12. He is not afraid to do the hard thing. Many times in life and ministry the right thing has been very, very hard. He does it anyway, even if it is awkward or inconvenient.
13. He is a man of amazing integrity. I can count on him to follow through with pretty much anything he ever says.
14. He adores me. He finds me stunningly and absolutely beautiful - even after four babies left their marks on my body. He does not speak empty words, but I see my beauty reflected in the way he looks at me.
15. He is not afraid of affection. It is rare for us to be seated in the same room or walking near to each other without holding hands. We never lost the habit from the dating years.
16. He plans ways to make me feel special. He surprises me with Starbucks and a fudge round, drops by at work just to make me smile, lays down his busy life to enjoy a cup of coffee on the couch in the afternoon, and often plans elaborate - and sometimes simple - surprise dates.
17. I know you don't want a lot of details here, but he is an amazing lover. I cannot imagine feeling more sexy, or more satisfied than he makes me feel. I hear other women talk, and believe me, I definitely count my blessings on this one. I always walk away from our romantic encounters looking forward to the next time.
Bottom line - somehow I managed to end up with better than happily ever after. I am married to a man that is an incredible man of integrity and character. He adores me and our children. He daily lays down his own dreams and desires to make sure that I am put first in his life. It is a privilege to say that we are celebrating 17 years. I am looking forward to the rest of our lives together.
Just for you, babe.
17 reasons why I love my husband.
1. His eyes subtly change color with his moods. They get darker when he is angry or very tired or very passionate. They are greener when he is laughing, or playful.
2. His hair has delightful curls. I can be fascinated for hours just stretching the curls out and letting them spring back.
3. He has great calves. Amazing! Looks great in shorts and flip flops.
4. He adores his children. He is gentle and kind with our girls - showing them how a real man treats a woman. He is patient long after I am frustrated.
5. He speaks affirmation over our son, giving him that desired "dad blessing" that boys crave.
6. He does dishes (and laundry, and vacuums, and dusts)
7. He fixes stuff that breaks, like the dryer. (without ever being nagged)
8. He does the grocery shopping. Enduring that hell known as Wal-mart, simply so that I don't have to go to the store after working a long day.
9. He pursues God passionately, seeking to live a life surrendered to God's will as best he understands it at the moment.
10. He seeks purity. He turns away from temptations so that he can look me in the eye without guilt.
11. He loves people. He enjoys meeting new people and having friends into our home.
12. He is not afraid to do the hard thing. Many times in life and ministry the right thing has been very, very hard. He does it anyway, even if it is awkward or inconvenient.
13. He is a man of amazing integrity. I can count on him to follow through with pretty much anything he ever says.
14. He adores me. He finds me stunningly and absolutely beautiful - even after four babies left their marks on my body. He does not speak empty words, but I see my beauty reflected in the way he looks at me.
15. He is not afraid of affection. It is rare for us to be seated in the same room or walking near to each other without holding hands. We never lost the habit from the dating years.
16. He plans ways to make me feel special. He surprises me with Starbucks and a fudge round, drops by at work just to make me smile, lays down his busy life to enjoy a cup of coffee on the couch in the afternoon, and often plans elaborate - and sometimes simple - surprise dates.
17. I know you don't want a lot of details here, but he is an amazing lover. I cannot imagine feeling more sexy, or more satisfied than he makes me feel. I hear other women talk, and believe me, I definitely count my blessings on this one. I always walk away from our romantic encounters looking forward to the next time.
Bottom line - somehow I managed to end up with better than happily ever after. I am married to a man that is an incredible man of integrity and character. He adores me and our children. He daily lays down his own dreams and desires to make sure that I am put first in his life. It is a privilege to say that we are celebrating 17 years. I am looking forward to the rest of our lives together.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Our Story - part 7 (guest blog by Shawn)
Ok, well, LaRissa let me hijack her blog one more time so I could finish telling you my part of our story.
Remember, I told you that in almost every one of the great love stories, there is a princess and a prince who fall madly in love. Their love, however, is threatened by an evil enemy. The enemy often captures the prince and keeps him enslaved with a horrible monster. Meanwhile, he plunges the princess into a horrible darkness.
Well, that is where I left off with our story. Satan was the enemy who had captured and enslaved me with the horrible monster of a pornography addiction. But, it wouldn't be a very good story if that were all there were to it. In the fairy tales, the prince destroys the monster, overcomes the enemy, rescues the princess and brings her out of the darkness with a kiss, the symbol of his love and devotion.
In our story, I killed the monster. How did I do it? Well, there were several necessary elements to defeating the monster. The first thing I learned was that the monster was seriously weakened in the light. So long as the monster of pornography addiction is kept in the dark, is kept a secret, it thrives and grows stronger and more horrific. But the minute it is exposed to the light, the instant the secret is out, the monster begins to die. Like Pastor Rick Warren says, "The hurt can't be healed until the secret is revealed." Once the secret life of addiction comes into the light, it can be dealt with. Help can be sought. Unresolved issues and struggles can be confronted openly and honestly. So long as I kept the secret, so long as the monster was in the dark, it had control over my life and kept me captive.
Second, I found that the monster's goal is to keep you isolated and alone, but the monster does not like you fighting with others. The prince called in help. I confided my struggles and hurts to my best friend and he began to fight with me and for me. Now, this guy was a great champion, a mighty warrior who had slain many dragons in his life. So this monster didn't stand much of a chance once he entered the fight. I learned that you need other guys in the fight with you.
Third, I discovered a powerful weapon for defeating the monster. It is called the sword of truth. I committed to memorizing some key Scriptures related to defeating this monster. Psalm 19:14, "May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 139:23-24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Philippians 4:8, "Finally, my brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is admirable--if there is anything excellent or praiseworthy--think on these things." As I committed to memorizing, quoting, and meditating and these and other passages of Scripture, I found that the monster's chains were falling away more and more.
Fourth, I committed to stay far away from the monster's lair. Don't go near where he held me captive. Don't even get close to the dark forests and pathways where he lies in wait for someone to devour.
So, with those four things, the prince killed the monster. But there was still a princess to revive. The princess had been in darkness for a long time. Depression, discouragement, fear and a host of other forces were all tools the enemy used to destroy the princess's heart. But I was determined to win it back. I did everything I could to demonstrate love to LaRissa. She detailed those things in her last post, but I just wanted to reemphasize that I was committed to loving my wife unconditionally, even if she never loved me back.
Now, it didn't happen all at once, like in the fairy tales. And it took way more than a kiss. But slowly and surely the princess came alive. In fact, for the first time ever, she is truly alive and she is more beautiful than she has ever been. Ours is one of the greatest of all love stories.
Happily ever after? Who wants it? Somehow we got better than happily ever after.
Remember, I told you that in almost every one of the great love stories, there is a princess and a prince who fall madly in love. Their love, however, is threatened by an evil enemy. The enemy often captures the prince and keeps him enslaved with a horrible monster. Meanwhile, he plunges the princess into a horrible darkness.
Well, that is where I left off with our story. Satan was the enemy who had captured and enslaved me with the horrible monster of a pornography addiction. But, it wouldn't be a very good story if that were all there were to it. In the fairy tales, the prince destroys the monster, overcomes the enemy, rescues the princess and brings her out of the darkness with a kiss, the symbol of his love and devotion.
In our story, I killed the monster. How did I do it? Well, there were several necessary elements to defeating the monster. The first thing I learned was that the monster was seriously weakened in the light. So long as the monster of pornography addiction is kept in the dark, is kept a secret, it thrives and grows stronger and more horrific. But the minute it is exposed to the light, the instant the secret is out, the monster begins to die. Like Pastor Rick Warren says, "The hurt can't be healed until the secret is revealed." Once the secret life of addiction comes into the light, it can be dealt with. Help can be sought. Unresolved issues and struggles can be confronted openly and honestly. So long as I kept the secret, so long as the monster was in the dark, it had control over my life and kept me captive.
Second, I found that the monster's goal is to keep you isolated and alone, but the monster does not like you fighting with others. The prince called in help. I confided my struggles and hurts to my best friend and he began to fight with me and for me. Now, this guy was a great champion, a mighty warrior who had slain many dragons in his life. So this monster didn't stand much of a chance once he entered the fight. I learned that you need other guys in the fight with you.
Third, I discovered a powerful weapon for defeating the monster. It is called the sword of truth. I committed to memorizing some key Scriptures related to defeating this monster. Psalm 19:14, "May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 139:23-24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Philippians 4:8, "Finally, my brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is admirable--if there is anything excellent or praiseworthy--think on these things." As I committed to memorizing, quoting, and meditating and these and other passages of Scripture, I found that the monster's chains were falling away more and more.
Fourth, I committed to stay far away from the monster's lair. Don't go near where he held me captive. Don't even get close to the dark forests and pathways where he lies in wait for someone to devour.
So, with those four things, the prince killed the monster. But there was still a princess to revive. The princess had been in darkness for a long time. Depression, discouragement, fear and a host of other forces were all tools the enemy used to destroy the princess's heart. But I was determined to win it back. I did everything I could to demonstrate love to LaRissa. She detailed those things in her last post, but I just wanted to reemphasize that I was committed to loving my wife unconditionally, even if she never loved me back.
Now, it didn't happen all at once, like in the fairy tales. And it took way more than a kiss. But slowly and surely the princess came alive. In fact, for the first time ever, she is truly alive and she is more beautiful than she has ever been. Ours is one of the greatest of all love stories.
Happily ever after? Who wants it? Somehow we got better than happily ever after.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Our Story - part 6
Bringing a marriage back from the dead was hard work. We tried lots of stuff that worked, and lots of stuff that didn't. Looking back, there were a few things that dramatically changed our marriage and made it incredible.
My husband started the new chapter of our marriage in several ways. He attempted to love me unconditionally - probably for the first time. In the immediate wake of our disaster, I was too angry to talk to him much. I wasn't giving him the silent treatment, I had just made the decision to avoid speaking anything out loud that I would regret later in my marriage. That left me with very little to say. So Shawn began loving me by writing long love letters to me every morning on our bathroom mirror with a bar of soap. He figured that if I was getting ready in the bathroom, I would have to read what he'd written.
One of the most important things that Shawn did was get up early so that he could spend time with me in God's Word. We started reading the Bible together. It took us nearly 5 years to finish. We read a chapter or two every morning and prayed together. I could pray with him long before I could talk to him again. It was as I heard him pray, that I began to believe his heart was changing. As long as Shawn sat by me on the couch every morning for that quiet time, I knew that he loved me and wanted to work things out. Now that I am commuting, and getting up at 5:00, he no longer gets up for that. I will say that I desperately, hungrily miss our time together every morning.
Shawn made the commitment to date me. He tried all kinds of dates. We went to the movies, we had dinner at home, we did a fondue picnic in our bedroom, we went to a variety of events, we took ballroom dancing lessons, he bought me gifts, and sang love songs to me in public places. In fact we did anything that he could find that he thought I might possibly enjoy. He even bought a box at a bookstore called, "Simply Romantic Nights." It had date ideas inside....and he needed all the help he could get. I will say that my favorite date from that time was the night he surprised me. A babysitter arrived, I got into our truck, and he drove out to a beach at the lake. He built a bonfire with the firewood he had brought. He spread out a quilt and opened a carefully packed picnic basket. He fed me a huge variety of specialty cheeses, breads, and grapes. We had sparkling grape juice to drink in fancy glasses. We laid on the quilt and watched the stars come out one by one, and talked about a future together. I will remember the beauty of that night for the rest of my life. Maybe the most special part of that night was that he deliberately planned it for a time of the month where he knew he would receive nothing in return. So that way I knew that it was just because he loved me....no strings attached.
We made some other immediate changes. We cancelled our cable for nearly 2 years. I owned the internet password, and if Shawn was on the internet, I was in the room. I no longer went to bed alone. He went to bed when I did, whether he was sleepy or not. He carried a list in his wallet of all the reasons he wanted to be married, to help him avoid temptation on the go. He met faithfully with our counselor for accountability, and learned to cope with and find healing from his addiction.
On my side of things, I took up running. If I was running, I was not able to think, and the picture seared into my mind of the look on his face as he was enjoying the porn was erased for a few minutes. One day as I was running, I heard God speak through Chris Tomlin's song, "More than Enough." I began to realize that God was my "Enough." For way too many years, I had expected my husband to complete me and fulfill me. I came to understand that my God is the only One capable of filling me up. I began to more fully understand God's love and His faithfulness. God also used "Shout to the Lord," to teach me that He was still in the business of moving mountains out of my way. I knew I didn't have the strength to climb this mountain, but I began to believe that God had the power to move it.
I began to practically apply the Bible to my marriage to the best of my ability and understanding. I began to unconditionally respect my husband based on reading Eph. 5. In the past, I showed my husband respect when he earned it. However, I came to a point where I began to demonstrate respect and honor to my husband just because God asked me. I began to treat him as a man capable of great and mighty things, not because I believed in him just yet, but because I believed that God was capable of doing those things in his life. I encouraged him and began to speak positive words into our relationship. I saved my venting for my girlfriends and for God. (Remember that my girlfriends listened, never said a negative word back, and prayed for my husband because they loved him and thought he would someday become a great man.)
Immediately after the addiction came out, I was horribly self-conscious. Like most women in that situation, I thought it was all my fault. I was not air brushed, and most certainly had the body to prove I had given birth many times. I think some of my stretch marks are at least 3 feet long - no lie! So in my head I thought that if only I was skinnier, hotter, more attractive, with bodacious ta-tas, maybe a tan..... And so I began to undress and change clothes in my walk-in closet with the door locked. Then I read I Corinthians 7:4. I became convicted to use my body as a way to love my husband. Not for my own satisfaction, but to unconditionally meet my husband's needs. I was not excited about this. I had enjoyed sex at times in our marriage, but after the addiction came out, I felt very used. Honestly, I did not ever want him to touch me again.
I had always viewed sex as proof that my husband wanted to be married, and I used it to try to fulfill my need for approval and love. If my husband was happy, then I was worthy. But I no longer needed him to find me worthy, because God found me worthy. So I was now set free to just love him in a very tangible way that he could understand. I finally accepted that men are wired up to understand love through their physical relationship with their spouse. That's why over the last several years, I have made it my goal to become an expert on how to love my husband in the bedroom. I have read books, asked happily married friends lots of personal questions, and studied the Song of Solomon in great detail. I even frequently pick up Cosmo to see if I can find a new position or idea that I haven't tried before. My goal is to have at least one new idea every week. Some of my ideas have turned out amazing and, well, some have given us YEARS of good laughs....did I say YEARS......and YEARS.......in fact, I'm laughing now.....
In short, I have made it my goal to far surpass any pleasure he ever had in his addiction. To quote a famous pastor's wife, Joyce Rogers, "I wanted to make sure my husband had steak at home so he wouldn't be tempted to stop off for bologna on the way." I knew that I could not cure his addiction, but I wanted to make it as easy as possible for him to turn down temptation. In so doing, I have discovered pleasure beyond any I ever dreamed.
Bottom line - the secret to the redemption of our marriage can be summed up like this - Both of us reached the conclusion that marriage is not about me. We BOTH made it our goal to unconditionally love the other person in ways that they understood. Shawn loved me with absolute showers of romance. He tried continually to find new ways to show me how much he adored me. In return, I loved him with unconditional respect and with frequent, good sex. Along with treating each other with unconditional love and respect, we were spending time together in God's presence every morning ....which was the secret to saving our marriage. The marriage did not heal overnight. It did take about 6 months before I began to feel any positive emotions for Shawn again, and it was years before he regained my trust. But today our marriage is absolutely beautiful.
One last thing: I hear couples say some variation of this same thing all the time. They feel like their needs are unmet and so they are waiting for the other person to love them first. They don't want to be the one in their marriage getting screwed over and used, and so they will not be the first to love their spouse unconditionally. Instead they cling to resentment and bitterness. ('Cause that's working well?) I am living proof that living for the other person in your marriage leads to a marriage that will set your soul on fire with love and passion. Give it a try. What have you got to lose?
My husband started the new chapter of our marriage in several ways. He attempted to love me unconditionally - probably for the first time. In the immediate wake of our disaster, I was too angry to talk to him much. I wasn't giving him the silent treatment, I had just made the decision to avoid speaking anything out loud that I would regret later in my marriage. That left me with very little to say. So Shawn began loving me by writing long love letters to me every morning on our bathroom mirror with a bar of soap. He figured that if I was getting ready in the bathroom, I would have to read what he'd written.
One of the most important things that Shawn did was get up early so that he could spend time with me in God's Word. We started reading the Bible together. It took us nearly 5 years to finish. We read a chapter or two every morning and prayed together. I could pray with him long before I could talk to him again. It was as I heard him pray, that I began to believe his heart was changing. As long as Shawn sat by me on the couch every morning for that quiet time, I knew that he loved me and wanted to work things out. Now that I am commuting, and getting up at 5:00, he no longer gets up for that. I will say that I desperately, hungrily miss our time together every morning.
Shawn made the commitment to date me. He tried all kinds of dates. We went to the movies, we had dinner at home, we did a fondue picnic in our bedroom, we went to a variety of events, we took ballroom dancing lessons, he bought me gifts, and sang love songs to me in public places. In fact we did anything that he could find that he thought I might possibly enjoy. He even bought a box at a bookstore called, "Simply Romantic Nights." It had date ideas inside....and he needed all the help he could get. I will say that my favorite date from that time was the night he surprised me. A babysitter arrived, I got into our truck, and he drove out to a beach at the lake. He built a bonfire with the firewood he had brought. He spread out a quilt and opened a carefully packed picnic basket. He fed me a huge variety of specialty cheeses, breads, and grapes. We had sparkling grape juice to drink in fancy glasses. We laid on the quilt and watched the stars come out one by one, and talked about a future together. I will remember the beauty of that night for the rest of my life. Maybe the most special part of that night was that he deliberately planned it for a time of the month where he knew he would receive nothing in return. So that way I knew that it was just because he loved me....no strings attached.
We made some other immediate changes. We cancelled our cable for nearly 2 years. I owned the internet password, and if Shawn was on the internet, I was in the room. I no longer went to bed alone. He went to bed when I did, whether he was sleepy or not. He carried a list in his wallet of all the reasons he wanted to be married, to help him avoid temptation on the go. He met faithfully with our counselor for accountability, and learned to cope with and find healing from his addiction.
On my side of things, I took up running. If I was running, I was not able to think, and the picture seared into my mind of the look on his face as he was enjoying the porn was erased for a few minutes. One day as I was running, I heard God speak through Chris Tomlin's song, "More than Enough." I began to realize that God was my "Enough." For way too many years, I had expected my husband to complete me and fulfill me. I came to understand that my God is the only One capable of filling me up. I began to more fully understand God's love and His faithfulness. God also used "Shout to the Lord," to teach me that He was still in the business of moving mountains out of my way. I knew I didn't have the strength to climb this mountain, but I began to believe that God had the power to move it.
I began to practically apply the Bible to my marriage to the best of my ability and understanding. I began to unconditionally respect my husband based on reading Eph. 5. In the past, I showed my husband respect when he earned it. However, I came to a point where I began to demonstrate respect and honor to my husband just because God asked me. I began to treat him as a man capable of great and mighty things, not because I believed in him just yet, but because I believed that God was capable of doing those things in his life. I encouraged him and began to speak positive words into our relationship. I saved my venting for my girlfriends and for God. (Remember that my girlfriends listened, never said a negative word back, and prayed for my husband because they loved him and thought he would someday become a great man.)
Immediately after the addiction came out, I was horribly self-conscious. Like most women in that situation, I thought it was all my fault. I was not air brushed, and most certainly had the body to prove I had given birth many times. I think some of my stretch marks are at least 3 feet long - no lie! So in my head I thought that if only I was skinnier, hotter, more attractive, with bodacious ta-tas, maybe a tan..... And so I began to undress and change clothes in my walk-in closet with the door locked. Then I read I Corinthians 7:4. I became convicted to use my body as a way to love my husband. Not for my own satisfaction, but to unconditionally meet my husband's needs. I was not excited about this. I had enjoyed sex at times in our marriage, but after the addiction came out, I felt very used. Honestly, I did not ever want him to touch me again.
I had always viewed sex as proof that my husband wanted to be married, and I used it to try to fulfill my need for approval and love. If my husband was happy, then I was worthy. But I no longer needed him to find me worthy, because God found me worthy. So I was now set free to just love him in a very tangible way that he could understand. I finally accepted that men are wired up to understand love through their physical relationship with their spouse. That's why over the last several years, I have made it my goal to become an expert on how to love my husband in the bedroom. I have read books, asked happily married friends lots of personal questions, and studied the Song of Solomon in great detail. I even frequently pick up Cosmo to see if I can find a new position or idea that I haven't tried before. My goal is to have at least one new idea every week. Some of my ideas have turned out amazing and, well, some have given us YEARS of good laughs....did I say YEARS......and YEARS.......in fact, I'm laughing now.....
In short, I have made it my goal to far surpass any pleasure he ever had in his addiction. To quote a famous pastor's wife, Joyce Rogers, "I wanted to make sure my husband had steak at home so he wouldn't be tempted to stop off for bologna on the way." I knew that I could not cure his addiction, but I wanted to make it as easy as possible for him to turn down temptation. In so doing, I have discovered pleasure beyond any I ever dreamed.
Bottom line - the secret to the redemption of our marriage can be summed up like this - Both of us reached the conclusion that marriage is not about me. We BOTH made it our goal to unconditionally love the other person in ways that they understood. Shawn loved me with absolute showers of romance. He tried continually to find new ways to show me how much he adored me. In return, I loved him with unconditional respect and with frequent, good sex. Along with treating each other with unconditional love and respect, we were spending time together in God's presence every morning ....which was the secret to saving our marriage. The marriage did not heal overnight. It did take about 6 months before I began to feel any positive emotions for Shawn again, and it was years before he regained my trust. But today our marriage is absolutely beautiful.
One last thing: I hear couples say some variation of this same thing all the time. They feel like their needs are unmet and so they are waiting for the other person to love them first. They don't want to be the one in their marriage getting screwed over and used, and so they will not be the first to love their spouse unconditionally. Instead they cling to resentment and bitterness. ('Cause that's working well?) I am living proof that living for the other person in your marriage leads to a marriage that will set your soul on fire with love and passion. Give it a try. What have you got to lose?
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Our Story - part 5
Seven years ago, I exited our computer room one evening to be confronted by pornography on my television. I'll spare you the details, but it became quickly apparent that this was not a one time sin, but a horrible addiction that my husband had surrendered to. I was done. It was over. I was through. I had seen pornography destroy marriages before, and knew too well the progression from addiction, to unrealistic expectations, to abuse. I was not going to be destroyed by my husband, and I was not going to let my husband destroy my children.
I grabbed my car keys, and walked to the door. I had no intentions of ever looking back. In that moment the tiny amount of love that might have been left in my heart was gone. It was when I placed my hand on that door knob that God spoke. Just that Sunday morning during the invitation time, God had asked me to swear not to leave my husband. It was not common in those days for God to speak to me, so I swore. It seemed a silly thing to me. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't leaving. With my hand on the door knob, I heard God's voice again. "You promised." I had a very real sense of standing at a crossroads. I chose obedience, though I did not understand why God would ask it of me. I turned loose, and walked back into my living room. I told Shawn he had 48 hours to have an appointment with a marriage counselor. I made it abundantly clear that if I was staying, I would have a good marriage. The addiction had to die. Right then. It must not be allowed to destroy us.
The next morning, early, we met with a marriage counselor who was on our church staff. He was an incredible man of God. I trusted him absolutely because of our long, close friendship. He swore to me that my marriage could be saved, but more than that, it could become beautiful. I wasn't sure that I believed him, but I desperately wanted to have that faith. But I trusted him enough to do everything he said, and I worked with him to redeem my husband from darkness.
There were lots of issues to work through. We had to learn to communicate, we had to learn to fight fairly, we had to learn to live unselfishly in our marriage. Then we also had to learn the specifics of battling a sex addiction, and I had to overcome the side effects and insecurities that it made me feel. After all, I am most certainly not computer generated or even air brushed. I've had lots of kids, and I've got the body to prove it.
During this time, I also met with some of my closest girlfriends. They listened to me rant, and rave, and cuss...then told me that they believed in me, they believed in my marriage, and they believed my God would set my husband free and he would become a great man. At no time did they ever waver in that conviction, or speak negative words to me about my husband. That really helped me to have faith that we had hope for our future.
My husband has a steak dinner waiting for me on the table, and dance music playing in the background, so for tonight I will simply say that God redeemed our marriage. He redeemed it all. It was a long process. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but my God is still in the business of bringing life back to the dead. God brought absolute beauty from the ashes of my marriage. I can't imagine my life now without my lover, and my best friend, my husband. We enjoy a marriage that is far better than the fairy tale I had hoped for. It's way better than Happily Ever After.
I grabbed my car keys, and walked to the door. I had no intentions of ever looking back. In that moment the tiny amount of love that might have been left in my heart was gone. It was when I placed my hand on that door knob that God spoke. Just that Sunday morning during the invitation time, God had asked me to swear not to leave my husband. It was not common in those days for God to speak to me, so I swore. It seemed a silly thing to me. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't leaving. With my hand on the door knob, I heard God's voice again. "You promised." I had a very real sense of standing at a crossroads. I chose obedience, though I did not understand why God would ask it of me. I turned loose, and walked back into my living room. I told Shawn he had 48 hours to have an appointment with a marriage counselor. I made it abundantly clear that if I was staying, I would have a good marriage. The addiction had to die. Right then. It must not be allowed to destroy us.
The next morning, early, we met with a marriage counselor who was on our church staff. He was an incredible man of God. I trusted him absolutely because of our long, close friendship. He swore to me that my marriage could be saved, but more than that, it could become beautiful. I wasn't sure that I believed him, but I desperately wanted to have that faith. But I trusted him enough to do everything he said, and I worked with him to redeem my husband from darkness.
There were lots of issues to work through. We had to learn to communicate, we had to learn to fight fairly, we had to learn to live unselfishly in our marriage. Then we also had to learn the specifics of battling a sex addiction, and I had to overcome the side effects and insecurities that it made me feel. After all, I am most certainly not computer generated or even air brushed. I've had lots of kids, and I've got the body to prove it.
During this time, I also met with some of my closest girlfriends. They listened to me rant, and rave, and cuss...then told me that they believed in me, they believed in my marriage, and they believed my God would set my husband free and he would become a great man. At no time did they ever waver in that conviction, or speak negative words to me about my husband. That really helped me to have faith that we had hope for our future.
My husband has a steak dinner waiting for me on the table, and dance music playing in the background, so for tonight I will simply say that God redeemed our marriage. He redeemed it all. It was a long process. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but my God is still in the business of bringing life back to the dead. God brought absolute beauty from the ashes of my marriage. I can't imagine my life now without my lover, and my best friend, my husband. We enjoy a marriage that is far better than the fairy tale I had hoped for. It's way better than Happily Ever After.
Our Story - part 4 (guest blog by Shawn)
If this doesn't sound like LaRissa, it's because it isn't. LaRissa invited me (Shawn) to be a guest blogger today to pick up with Our Story and share with you about the intense battle that was going on inside my own life and in our marriage.
LaRissa and I have an incredible marriage. Our marriage is full of intense love and excitement and passion and joy and laughter. We are best friends, and absolutely adore each other. I really do think we will go down as one of the all-time great love stories.
But in every great love story, there comes a moment of conflict. In all the fairy tales and classic love stories, two lovers fall madly in love with each other, but something happens that puts their love at risk, that threatens to destroy their love and even their lives. Often, there is an evil king or prince, a wicked stepmother or stepfather, a wicked witch or wizard who is hellbent on destroying the two lovers.
In many of the stories, the enemy captures the prince, places him in prison, and has a horrible monster that keeps the prince from getting to the princess. Meanwhile, the enemy places the princess under a spell that causes her to fall into a deep darkness near death. The prince has to escape from the enemy, overcome him, and defeat the monster to rescue his one true love.
Well, our story has all of those elements: an enemy, an imprisoned prince, a monster, and princess in a deep darkness. However, there was a twist in our story. In our story, the enemy was unseen, the monster was inside of me, and I had become a prisoner in a cell of my own making.
I was first exposed to pornography when I was nine or ten years old by a family member who was a sexual predator. Far too young for a child to lose his innocence. Over the next several years, I was exposed to it many times in varying degrees. Satan, the evil prince had begun his work. As I became a teenager, I had more exposure and access to pornography like many teenage boys do. Satan used sexual desire to further the chains that were developing around my heart.
After LaRissa and I married and moved to seminary, the pressures of driving not just to succeed but to excel in grad school, working a full-time job, suddenly being the father of a large family, trying to provide for my family on a very limited income, and the intense strain that all this placed on our young marriage created the prime opportunity for the evil prince to attack. I developed an addiction to pornography. Satan built the prison in my heart, and the monster was born.
LaRissa mentioned the results in her last post: anger, irritability, an increasing distance between her and myself in our hearts and in our sex life, unrealistic expectations. The monster's talons were digging deeper, and it was consuming me, destroying our marriage, and plunging the princess into darkness. The enemy, the prison, and the monster almost won. Seven years ago, on a horribly painful night (In the fairy tale, there would be storms brewing, thunder and lightning flashing, and a horribly wicked laugh piercing the night) the monster came out. LaRissa discovered my addiction ... and on that night, the enemy almost won. The princess was plunged further into darkness, the prince almost gave up all hope, and the monster almost destroyed the magical land.
So, I'll let LaRissa pick back up from there, but I've still got more of the fairy tale I want to tell. Remember, this is one of the great loves of all time. This is the darkest moment in the story, but it is not the end. So I hope she lets me rob her blog again sometime!
LaRissa and I have an incredible marriage. Our marriage is full of intense love and excitement and passion and joy and laughter. We are best friends, and absolutely adore each other. I really do think we will go down as one of the all-time great love stories.
But in every great love story, there comes a moment of conflict. In all the fairy tales and classic love stories, two lovers fall madly in love with each other, but something happens that puts their love at risk, that threatens to destroy their love and even their lives. Often, there is an evil king or prince, a wicked stepmother or stepfather, a wicked witch or wizard who is hellbent on destroying the two lovers.
In many of the stories, the enemy captures the prince, places him in prison, and has a horrible monster that keeps the prince from getting to the princess. Meanwhile, the enemy places the princess under a spell that causes her to fall into a deep darkness near death. The prince has to escape from the enemy, overcome him, and defeat the monster to rescue his one true love.
Well, our story has all of those elements: an enemy, an imprisoned prince, a monster, and princess in a deep darkness. However, there was a twist in our story. In our story, the enemy was unseen, the monster was inside of me, and I had become a prisoner in a cell of my own making.
I was first exposed to pornography when I was nine or ten years old by a family member who was a sexual predator. Far too young for a child to lose his innocence. Over the next several years, I was exposed to it many times in varying degrees. Satan, the evil prince had begun his work. As I became a teenager, I had more exposure and access to pornography like many teenage boys do. Satan used sexual desire to further the chains that were developing around my heart.
After LaRissa and I married and moved to seminary, the pressures of driving not just to succeed but to excel in grad school, working a full-time job, suddenly being the father of a large family, trying to provide for my family on a very limited income, and the intense strain that all this placed on our young marriage created the prime opportunity for the evil prince to attack. I developed an addiction to pornography. Satan built the prison in my heart, and the monster was born.
LaRissa mentioned the results in her last post: anger, irritability, an increasing distance between her and myself in our hearts and in our sex life, unrealistic expectations. The monster's talons were digging deeper, and it was consuming me, destroying our marriage, and plunging the princess into darkness. The enemy, the prison, and the monster almost won. Seven years ago, on a horribly painful night (In the fairy tale, there would be storms brewing, thunder and lightning flashing, and a horribly wicked laugh piercing the night) the monster came out. LaRissa discovered my addiction ... and on that night, the enemy almost won. The princess was plunged further into darkness, the prince almost gave up all hope, and the monster almost destroyed the magical land.
So, I'll let LaRissa pick back up from there, but I've still got more of the fairy tale I want to tell. Remember, this is one of the great loves of all time. This is the darkest moment in the story, but it is not the end. So I hope she lets me rob her blog again sometime!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Our Story - part 2
So the shy guy finally asked me out. I was giddy with excitement as I anticipated our first date. Shawn rang my doorbell on a Friday night and handed me some flowers. The thing is, I thought our date was on Saturday. I looked like crap, I was stunned to see him, and being a chick with an eating disorder, I threw up because I was uncomfortable. Oh, and when I am uncomfortable I babble mindlessly. There was a lot of babbling.
I refused to go out to eat. I lied and told him I had already eaten, again due to eating issues. Our first date was nosediving in a huge hurry. We went to a concert, and Shawn confesses that he was looking at his watch to see how much longer he had before he could ditch me and go home. I guess God decided we needed some help moving our relationship along. A tornado came through nearby, the electricity all went off, and no one was allowed to leave due to the severity of the storm. I looked at Shawn and said in a now trembling voice, "I'm afraid of storms." Being a man, he comforted the damsel in distress.
By the end of the date, Shawn had decided I was hot enough (read "good enough kisser") to get one more chance before he totally gave up. The second date was worse than the first. A few minutes before Shawn was due to arrive, we received a phone call that my brother (my very best friend on the whole planet) had drowned overseas. I couldn't get in touch with Shawn, so he pulled up to the house, walked up and said, "I've had a really rough day. I was in a wreck at lunch." So I say, with no tact, "Me too. My brother's dead." We sat on the front porch as I told him the story, him again holding me as I cried. He offered to go home, but my dad encouraged us to go ahead with our date just so that maybe I could be spared a few hours of some of the intense and horrible drama at home. (The divers were still searching for my brother, and the waiting was intense.)
Believe it or not, the guy asked me out a third time. It had to be a mercy date. But one date led to another and by about our fifth date we were talking about a future together. Shawn jokes that it did not take us long to fall in lust. We were engaged labor day weekend, nearly 3 months after we first met. We waited until May to marry, after I turned 18.
When we married, we both had some really unrealistic expectations. I imagined a prince charming that would lavish me with affection. I pictured dancing in the kitchen, snuggling watching movies, lots of long walks with deep conversations. I imagined us side by side in every activity, never apart unless we had to be. I seriously believed that my husband would seek every opportunity to pamper me and adore me and lavish gifts on me and would always just know what I was thinking. I thought he would communicate all of his feeling and deepest longings. Think giggling slumber party meets Cinderella.
On Shawn's side of things, he pictured marriage as a cross between "Leave it to Beaver" and "Debbie does Dallas." He thought I would keep our house shiningly perfect, cook gourmet dinners, and rip his clothes off when he walked in the door.
Reality was that Shawn was not naturally romantic, and he couldn't read my mind, and he wasn't a giggly girl. On the other hand, I have always sucked at cleaning, I couldn't boil water, and sex was something I vaguely remembered studying in biology.
Our first several years were pretty good, in spite of some obstacles. We were in a great church, with lots of friends. We enjoyed our ministry, and worked through some of our earliest expectations and disagreements. We discussed the great questions of life like whether the toilet paper went over or under the roll. During this time period, we also dealt with some big stresses such as infertility, financial difficulties, and full time college. We had no clue how to argue fairly, and our arguments typically ended with Shawn storming out and driving off. But I would say that for the most part, we were happy together. We got along well more often than not, we agreed on the big issues in life, and we were thrilled when after several years, God blessed us with our first child. If you had asked me how I liked marriage, I would have answered you honestly that I was happy. I knew that I felt somewhat unfulfilled at times, but mostly it was fine. But that all soon changed.
I refused to go out to eat. I lied and told him I had already eaten, again due to eating issues. Our first date was nosediving in a huge hurry. We went to a concert, and Shawn confesses that he was looking at his watch to see how much longer he had before he could ditch me and go home. I guess God decided we needed some help moving our relationship along. A tornado came through nearby, the electricity all went off, and no one was allowed to leave due to the severity of the storm. I looked at Shawn and said in a now trembling voice, "I'm afraid of storms." Being a man, he comforted the damsel in distress.
By the end of the date, Shawn had decided I was hot enough (read "good enough kisser") to get one more chance before he totally gave up. The second date was worse than the first. A few minutes before Shawn was due to arrive, we received a phone call that my brother (my very best friend on the whole planet) had drowned overseas. I couldn't get in touch with Shawn, so he pulled up to the house, walked up and said, "I've had a really rough day. I was in a wreck at lunch." So I say, with no tact, "Me too. My brother's dead." We sat on the front porch as I told him the story, him again holding me as I cried. He offered to go home, but my dad encouraged us to go ahead with our date just so that maybe I could be spared a few hours of some of the intense and horrible drama at home. (The divers were still searching for my brother, and the waiting was intense.)
Believe it or not, the guy asked me out a third time. It had to be a mercy date. But one date led to another and by about our fifth date we were talking about a future together. Shawn jokes that it did not take us long to fall in lust. We were engaged labor day weekend, nearly 3 months after we first met. We waited until May to marry, after I turned 18.
When we married, we both had some really unrealistic expectations. I imagined a prince charming that would lavish me with affection. I pictured dancing in the kitchen, snuggling watching movies, lots of long walks with deep conversations. I imagined us side by side in every activity, never apart unless we had to be. I seriously believed that my husband would seek every opportunity to pamper me and adore me and lavish gifts on me and would always just know what I was thinking. I thought he would communicate all of his feeling and deepest longings. Think giggling slumber party meets Cinderella.
On Shawn's side of things, he pictured marriage as a cross between "Leave it to Beaver" and "Debbie does Dallas." He thought I would keep our house shiningly perfect, cook gourmet dinners, and rip his clothes off when he walked in the door.
Reality was that Shawn was not naturally romantic, and he couldn't read my mind, and he wasn't a giggly girl. On the other hand, I have always sucked at cleaning, I couldn't boil water, and sex was something I vaguely remembered studying in biology.
Our first several years were pretty good, in spite of some obstacles. We were in a great church, with lots of friends. We enjoyed our ministry, and worked through some of our earliest expectations and disagreements. We discussed the great questions of life like whether the toilet paper went over or under the roll. During this time period, we also dealt with some big stresses such as infertility, financial difficulties, and full time college. We had no clue how to argue fairly, and our arguments typically ended with Shawn storming out and driving off. But I would say that for the most part, we were happy together. We got along well more often than not, we agreed on the big issues in life, and we were thrilled when after several years, God blessed us with our first child. If you had asked me how I liked marriage, I would have answered you honestly that I was happy. I knew that I felt somewhat unfulfilled at times, but mostly it was fine. But that all soon changed.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Our Story - Part 1
It was summer. 1992. My dad was preaching a revIval (make sure you emphasize the I), in Center Point, a small town in Southern Arkansas. When my dad came home he found me and said, "I've met the man you're going to marry." I thought he was joking, and laughed pretty hard. Fresh out of a long term relationship, I wasn't really seeking a new one. I was graduating a year early from high school and had tough decisions to quickly make about college. Marriage was nowhere on my radar.
I met Shawn the following night at the revIval. He was leading music. He didn't talk much. Actually, he was painfully shy with girls and didn't talk at all to me for the next 2 nights. He was stealing glances at me during the services, but I wasn't paying too much attention. What I did not know until later was that his mom was also trying to set us up. Along about Thursday night, our parents decided we were not ever going to get together on our own and helped us along a little. My dad asked Shawn to sing an old hymn, "Love of God." When Shawn replied that he did not know that song, Dad said that his daughter would be more than happy to teach it to him.
Well, that got Shawn on my piano bench. Most of my friends know that if you want to really connect with me and get to know my heart, that's where it happens. We sang for a long time that night. He finally started making small talk with me. The night ended, without either of us even exchanging numbers. Just idle chit-chat. On the final night of the revIval, I truly expected him to ask me out. I mean, seriously, by Thursday night the boy was showing up nearly an hour before services so he could pick out songs. That translates to page turning while he was stealing glances at me.
Services came and went. We ate supper together at the potluck after church. We were still just making small talk. I was finally walking to my car when Shawn got enough courage to ask me on a date. We set up the date and exchanged numbers. I was excited. I liked him, and it had been a long time since I had been out with a guy. I never dreamed where it would take me.
I met Shawn the following night at the revIval. He was leading music. He didn't talk much. Actually, he was painfully shy with girls and didn't talk at all to me for the next 2 nights. He was stealing glances at me during the services, but I wasn't paying too much attention. What I did not know until later was that his mom was also trying to set us up. Along about Thursday night, our parents decided we were not ever going to get together on our own and helped us along a little. My dad asked Shawn to sing an old hymn, "Love of God." When Shawn replied that he did not know that song, Dad said that his daughter would be more than happy to teach it to him.
Well, that got Shawn on my piano bench. Most of my friends know that if you want to really connect with me and get to know my heart, that's where it happens. We sang for a long time that night. He finally started making small talk with me. The night ended, without either of us even exchanging numbers. Just idle chit-chat. On the final night of the revIval, I truly expected him to ask me out. I mean, seriously, by Thursday night the boy was showing up nearly an hour before services so he could pick out songs. That translates to page turning while he was stealing glances at me.
Services came and went. We ate supper together at the potluck after church. We were still just making small talk. I was finally walking to my car when Shawn got enough courage to ask me on a date. We set up the date and exchanged numbers. I was excited. I liked him, and it had been a long time since I had been out with a guy. I never dreamed where it would take me.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Valentine's Week
"What? You wanted a card? Why didn't you say so? You could have picked one up at the store. I would have signed it for you." Meet my husband - about 7 years ago on Valentine's Day. He was not romantic. He wasn't necessarily unloving, he just didn't "get it" about how to love a woman. He assumed that I knew he loved me just because he had married me many years ago. For example, on our 10th anniversary he offered to swing by the drive-through at Taco Bell.
Expectations can destroy a relationship. I had huge expectations about getting swept off my feet. I believed the Hollywood and Disney version of marriage. I absolutely expected "Happily Ever After." When I married, I expected to get blown away by romance. I thought my husband would always gaze at me with goo goo eyes. I thought he would wow me daily with romantic gestures. Then real life hit pretty hard. We were swamped with ministry, we had kids, and life was busy.
My husband had huge expectations as well. He expected "Leave it to Beaver." He thought that a loving wife always had supper on the table. She kept a perfect house, handled the children patiently, and allowed her hard-working husband to come home at night to his castle, prop his feet up in his favorite chair and watch T.V. in silence. Was he in for a shock! I stunk at all those things. I am well known for kitchen fires when I cook, I hate to clean, and I was not cool with my husband disengaging in the evening and ignoring me and the kids.
For many years we were both extremely dissatisfied with our relationship. I will say that my husband was the first to make an effort to change. My husband has learned in recent years how to love me. The way that I understand love is not necessarily the way that he naturally expresses love. It takes hard work on his part. That's what makes it so beautiful. For example, he now does Valentine's week instead of just Valentine's Day. I look forward to this holiday all year.
This year Shawn has written me a love letter every day. He has spent each day writing to me about why he finds me beautiful. The letters have addressed physical traits, personality traits, and spiritual traits. As with most women, I struggle with my self worth. It is refreshing and touching to know that my husband dwells on my beauty and thinks about me during the day. (Read - I cried a lot when I read the letters)
There have been gifts and special meals and candy, but I think the most touching gift was a music download. After I was asleep the other night, Shawn stole my phone and added new music. Some was just fun, but he added a song that he thinks describes who I have become. I didn't know what to expect when I listened, but I was honored beyond words. You see, he downloaded Leeland's "Tears of the Saints". It's a song about doing whatever it takes to reach the hurting and the damaged and the lost.
Tonight we celebrate Valentine's Day. He has arranged the baby sitter, made the reservations, and all I have to do is pack my suitcase and show up. This is a man who is living proof that you can learn how to be romantic. It can be an acquired skill if you are willing to work hard to love your wife.
I work much harder now as well at loving my husband. It is still true that I rarely cook, but I do try a little harder to clean the house. But I have also learned to build my husband up with my words. I have learned that he needs me to be impressed with him and to express that openly. I have learned about unconditionally respecting him in public, and also when we are alone. I have learned to speak to him in ways that communicate my needs and desires, without yelling, or being accusatory.
I firmly believe that with a lot of hard work and a lot of God's grace, we have discovered a love that is much better, deeper, and stronger than the "happily ever after" I was looking for.
Expectations can destroy a relationship. I had huge expectations about getting swept off my feet. I believed the Hollywood and Disney version of marriage. I absolutely expected "Happily Ever After." When I married, I expected to get blown away by romance. I thought my husband would always gaze at me with goo goo eyes. I thought he would wow me daily with romantic gestures. Then real life hit pretty hard. We were swamped with ministry, we had kids, and life was busy.
My husband had huge expectations as well. He expected "Leave it to Beaver." He thought that a loving wife always had supper on the table. She kept a perfect house, handled the children patiently, and allowed her hard-working husband to come home at night to his castle, prop his feet up in his favorite chair and watch T.V. in silence. Was he in for a shock! I stunk at all those things. I am well known for kitchen fires when I cook, I hate to clean, and I was not cool with my husband disengaging in the evening and ignoring me and the kids.
For many years we were both extremely dissatisfied with our relationship. I will say that my husband was the first to make an effort to change. My husband has learned in recent years how to love me. The way that I understand love is not necessarily the way that he naturally expresses love. It takes hard work on his part. That's what makes it so beautiful. For example, he now does Valentine's week instead of just Valentine's Day. I look forward to this holiday all year.
This year Shawn has written me a love letter every day. He has spent each day writing to me about why he finds me beautiful. The letters have addressed physical traits, personality traits, and spiritual traits. As with most women, I struggle with my self worth. It is refreshing and touching to know that my husband dwells on my beauty and thinks about me during the day. (Read - I cried a lot when I read the letters)
There have been gifts and special meals and candy, but I think the most touching gift was a music download. After I was asleep the other night, Shawn stole my phone and added new music. Some was just fun, but he added a song that he thinks describes who I have become. I didn't know what to expect when I listened, but I was honored beyond words. You see, he downloaded Leeland's "Tears of the Saints". It's a song about doing whatever it takes to reach the hurting and the damaged and the lost.
Tonight we celebrate Valentine's Day. He has arranged the baby sitter, made the reservations, and all I have to do is pack my suitcase and show up. This is a man who is living proof that you can learn how to be romantic. It can be an acquired skill if you are willing to work hard to love your wife.
I work much harder now as well at loving my husband. It is still true that I rarely cook, but I do try a little harder to clean the house. But I have also learned to build my husband up with my words. I have learned that he needs me to be impressed with him and to express that openly. I have learned about unconditionally respecting him in public, and also when we are alone. I have learned to speak to him in ways that communicate my needs and desires, without yelling, or being accusatory.
I firmly believe that with a lot of hard work and a lot of God's grace, we have discovered a love that is much better, deeper, and stronger than the "happily ever after" I was looking for.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Cadbury Eggs
In our first church staff position we made $9,000. We were in school full time and struggling hard to have food on our table. In fact, on more than one occasion, God provided groceries for us that we had no money to buy. Every dime was counted, and we collected and saved our extra pennies to be able to eat out. Somewhere along the way, Shawn heard me talk about loving Cadbury Eggs. I did not have them often growing up, but they were one of my favorite treats.
One Easter in our early marriage, he showed up at our little apartment with a Cadbury Egg in hand. Just one, because we could not afford two. It was for me a very incredibly beautiful act of love. I knew that he bought it on a whim at the checkout stand, just because he knew that I would enjoy it. A sheer unselfish act of love.
We spent many years in absolute poverty, adding children to the mix as we went. He made it a tradition every Easter to make sure that he brought me the first Cadbury Egg of the season. Times are much less tight for us now. We are able to afford a few special treats now and again. The Cadbury Egg gift is still sweet, but I had forgotten the depth of meaning behind it over the years since it is no longer such a sacrifice.
But Tuesday was a very hard day for me. I had a tough day at work, a really bad migraine, and was struggling with how God wants to use me in the future. I had not had time to talk to Shawn about any of this. I walked into the house very done and frustrated and exhausted. Then the smell of fresh, hot coffee assaulted my senses. Then I looked at the mountain of clean laundry in my living room. All the sheets were washed and dried. And my husband was sitting on the couch grinning like a Cheshire cat. Yep, he had found it. The first Cadbury Egg of the season and brought it home for me. Just one. Just for me.
All of a sudden I remembered. I remembered where we have come from. I remembered our story of a marriage redeemed. I remembered all the times God has provided for our family in miraculous ways. I remembered all the sacrifices that it has taken to create a great love. And I was grateful to be home to the best part of my day. My husband.
One Easter in our early marriage, he showed up at our little apartment with a Cadbury Egg in hand. Just one, because we could not afford two. It was for me a very incredibly beautiful act of love. I knew that he bought it on a whim at the checkout stand, just because he knew that I would enjoy it. A sheer unselfish act of love.
We spent many years in absolute poverty, adding children to the mix as we went. He made it a tradition every Easter to make sure that he brought me the first Cadbury Egg of the season. Times are much less tight for us now. We are able to afford a few special treats now and again. The Cadbury Egg gift is still sweet, but I had forgotten the depth of meaning behind it over the years since it is no longer such a sacrifice.
But Tuesday was a very hard day for me. I had a tough day at work, a really bad migraine, and was struggling with how God wants to use me in the future. I had not had time to talk to Shawn about any of this. I walked into the house very done and frustrated and exhausted. Then the smell of fresh, hot coffee assaulted my senses. Then I looked at the mountain of clean laundry in my living room. All the sheets were washed and dried. And my husband was sitting on the couch grinning like a Cheshire cat. Yep, he had found it. The first Cadbury Egg of the season and brought it home for me. Just one. Just for me.
All of a sudden I remembered. I remembered where we have come from. I remembered our story of a marriage redeemed. I remembered all the times God has provided for our family in miraculous ways. I remembered all the sacrifices that it has taken to create a great love. And I was grateful to be home to the best part of my day. My husband.
Friday, November 20, 2009
the Twilight love affair
I read the Twilight books. All of them. For the most part, I enjoyed them. I will say that I felt like the romance side of things was a bit cheesy, but well geared for the teen target audience. I watched the first movie. I was not impressed with the acting or the decision to stray from the book on details, but it was a fairly enjoyable show. My pre-teen daughter, predictably was much more enthralled with the movie.
With the arrival of the latest movie, New Moon, I am going to go out on a limb and risk angry friends. All day long I have heard from church friends, school friends, and students' moms about how anxious they are to spend two hours checking out this guy. I am deeply concerned by the level of obsession and lust that is prominent among married women my own age, and even my parents' age, over this teenage boy. My own daughter and her friends level of interest concerns me a little bit as well.
Here are my concerns - take them as you will:
1. It is fiction. My daughter and her friends compare boys to Edward. I heard a friend say, "My boyfriend did .......and that's just like that time Edward did......" Real, healthy relationships are much better, much deeper, and much more incredible than Twilight.
2. Women seriously seem to compare their husband to this teenage vampire. "He is just so interested in what Bella is thinking....he's interested in more than just sex." Yes, you are exactly right- he wants to eat her for supper.....You are not doing your husband any favors by comparing him to an imaginary person. This is IDENTICAL to your husband expecting you to look like Jennifer Anistan.
3. Unfaithfulness begins in your mind. Lusting for a young onscreen teenage character leads to lustful thoughts away from the screen. Thoughts produce actions. I am creeped out to even contemplate women my age checking out my teen son. That's just absolutely weird! I have heard multiple women verbalize daydreams about making out with Edward. I cannot grasp how this is any less wrong than your husband watching porn. Lust is lust is lust.
4. I am concerned that my daughter and her teen friends are looking for a guy just like Edward. Let me summarize - because he wants to protect her - Edward is possessive to the extreme. He wants to know her thoughts. He watches her while she sleeps. He follows her and wants to spend every waking moment with her. Let me clarify - this is not love - this is freaky and called stalking. The whole he holds her all night and enjoys making out w/out sex.... that's just a lie. Men cannot do this. It is physically impossible for them to makeout and not want it all. That's how God designed them. If my daughter thinks this is typical male behavior, she will be in for a horrible shock.
5. I am also concerned that Edward's "loving" overprotectiveness will encourage young girls to accept abusive relationships as normal. I am concerned that they will find it romantic to be owned. I want my daughter to realize that true love sets you free to be who God created you to be. Men who obsess and try to control you are not what you are looking for.
So those are my thoughts. I fully plan to go watch the movie. I expect to enjoy the show. I truly do like the Twilight books and am anxious to see this movie. But I expect my only lustful thought that night to be about the guy that has shared my life for the last 16 years. A teenage boy cannot even compare to the real love that I have with my husband. It is laughable to even imagine that level of love to be anything that I would desire or want.
It is not my intent to be rude or unkind, but just to express my concern about a double standard that exists with my women friends. They feel justified in lusting after movie actors and comparing their husbands to imaginary characters, but angry with their husbands for viewing porn - or even for noticing hot women actresses. I would say that if you expect purity from your husband, you have to expect it from yourself. Watch the movie, but don't wish that you could take Edward home.
With the arrival of the latest movie, New Moon, I am going to go out on a limb and risk angry friends. All day long I have heard from church friends, school friends, and students' moms about how anxious they are to spend two hours checking out this guy. I am deeply concerned by the level of obsession and lust that is prominent among married women my own age, and even my parents' age, over this teenage boy. My own daughter and her friends level of interest concerns me a little bit as well.
Here are my concerns - take them as you will:
1. It is fiction. My daughter and her friends compare boys to Edward. I heard a friend say, "My boyfriend did .......and that's just like that time Edward did......" Real, healthy relationships are much better, much deeper, and much more incredible than Twilight.
2. Women seriously seem to compare their husband to this teenage vampire. "He is just so interested in what Bella is thinking....he's interested in more than just sex." Yes, you are exactly right- he wants to eat her for supper.....You are not doing your husband any favors by comparing him to an imaginary person. This is IDENTICAL to your husband expecting you to look like Jennifer Anistan.
3. Unfaithfulness begins in your mind. Lusting for a young onscreen teenage character leads to lustful thoughts away from the screen. Thoughts produce actions. I am creeped out to even contemplate women my age checking out my teen son. That's just absolutely weird! I have heard multiple women verbalize daydreams about making out with Edward. I cannot grasp how this is any less wrong than your husband watching porn. Lust is lust is lust.
4. I am concerned that my daughter and her teen friends are looking for a guy just like Edward. Let me summarize - because he wants to protect her - Edward is possessive to the extreme. He wants to know her thoughts. He watches her while she sleeps. He follows her and wants to spend every waking moment with her. Let me clarify - this is not love - this is freaky and called stalking. The whole he holds her all night and enjoys making out w/out sex.... that's just a lie. Men cannot do this. It is physically impossible for them to makeout and not want it all. That's how God designed them. If my daughter thinks this is typical male behavior, she will be in for a horrible shock.
5. I am also concerned that Edward's "loving" overprotectiveness will encourage young girls to accept abusive relationships as normal. I am concerned that they will find it romantic to be owned. I want my daughter to realize that true love sets you free to be who God created you to be. Men who obsess and try to control you are not what you are looking for.
So those are my thoughts. I fully plan to go watch the movie. I expect to enjoy the show. I truly do like the Twilight books and am anxious to see this movie. But I expect my only lustful thought that night to be about the guy that has shared my life for the last 16 years. A teenage boy cannot even compare to the real love that I have with my husband. It is laughable to even imagine that level of love to be anything that I would desire or want.
It is not my intent to be rude or unkind, but just to express my concern about a double standard that exists with my women friends. They feel justified in lusting after movie actors and comparing their husbands to imaginary characters, but angry with their husbands for viewing porn - or even for noticing hot women actresses. I would say that if you expect purity from your husband, you have to expect it from yourself. Watch the movie, but don't wish that you could take Edward home.
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