I love being used for God's glory. I love those moments when I realize that I am involved in a plan much bigger than my wildest imagination. It is extraordinary to be in a particular circumstance performing a task or ministry that I do not have the ability, talent or strength to do alone. Then when lives are transformed afterwards, I know that it was God using me for His glory, and it feels glorious. I feel renewed, amazed, awed, excited, and joyful when God uses me to do things for His kingdom!
But sometimes, God's glory doesn't feel so glorious. There are times when God uses tough times for his glory. There are times when what I want or desire or would have happen to make my life easier is not necessarily what is best for the kingdom. One of my all time favorite songs is Mercy Me's "Bring the Rain." I absolutely love the heart of this song, that no matter what, I want God's glory.
I am no stranger to tough times. There have been many dark days in my past, much harder and darker than what I am currently struggling through, but the last couple of years my life has been fairly easy. I am married to the love of my life, I have 4 great kids, a steady job that pays decent, a phenomenal ministry as a church planter, and the opportunity to pursue my musical passions. Then last month my life shifted in the blink of an eye. Closing out week 10 of P90X, I was going down for a push up and didn't come back up. A migraine suddenly slammed into the back of my head, and I woke up several minutes later in the floor. After that, I have dealt with strange and sometimes severe short term memory loss. Things like I don't remember what kind of car I drive to even look for it in the parking lot, heading to work at the wrong school, and forgetting all kinds of important random information like my students' names. I have sticky notes everywhere, just trying to function through my average, typical day.
When I went to the doctors, they began to talk seriously to me about the big things that could be wrong. All of these suggestions were scary, to say the least, all involving early expiration dates. I remembered that God doesn't promise us tomorrow, and that none of us are guaranteed a long walk on this planet. I tried hard not to panic, just to live in the moment, breathing deeply and loving my family hard and not thinking negative thoughts. I have spent more time in the MRI tube than I care to discuss, getting to personally know the technician and his family issues. After thousands of dollars of testing, the doctors can't pinpoint what is going on, but the memory issues continue to interrupt my life daily.
On my last trip to the neurologist, I couldn't remember where his office was. I had no idea whether it was in McKinney, Allen, or Plano. I googled directions again, even though I've been there before. When I arrived, I kept waiting for at least a sense of deja vou, but did not recognize the building, the halls, or even the large fish tank of colorful tropical fish in the small office. I became extremely frustrated that I am losing my mind. In fact, you might say I was pretty pissed about the whole situation. Then I heard that still small voice, "Baby girl, this is all for my glory."
I did a complete double take, stopping dead still where I stood. What the heck? How is this got anything at all to do with God's glory? It seriously interferes with my ability to independently do the ministry that needs doing at The Crossroads. It means that I have to lean hard on my husband and my kids and my friends to help me get through life. How does that bring God glory exactly? How can God be glorified by me being confounded and confused? It sure doesn't feel very glorious!
Well, I don't have any answers. I know that compared to what many people face, a little memory loss is a minor glitch in life. But for me, this has been frustrating beyond measure. Tonight at band I couldn't remember a song that we have sung a hundred times. It felt completely brand new. When I got home, I hit the pavement. Running a little under the stars listening to some jazz seems to bring some peace. Again as I ran, I heard that still small voice, "Baby girl, trust me. This is all for my glory. I got to do this. Trust me."
So tonight, God's glory doesn't feel glorious. It ain't pretty, fun, exciting, or beautiful. However, I am sitting here surrendered. I am willing for God to bring the rain if it will somehow bring him glory. I am simply asking that I am able to serve him with all that I am - with or without my memory! I am hopeful that this cycles through to a successful end sometime in the near future, and that God will restore mind. But in the meantime, I'm still available - however God wants to use me. Even if it doesn't feel so glorious tonight.