Winter Run

Winter Run

Icy air, searing lungs

Cloudy breath, frozen nose

Time to think, dreams to make

Sleeping homes, empty streets

Sun kissed branches on naked trees

The world awaits the magical whisper of spring.

Though not a poet, I am making a stab at a poetical expression of the run this morning. It was 33 degrees, with a windchill of 29. The air burned my lungs as I breathed in and froze as I exhaled. And yet, the world was beautiful. The sun shone on the trees, and the world seemed to be waiting, asleep for a touch of magic. It made me think about how our lives run in seasons. We have times of passion and excitement (summer), times of quiet and peace (fall), times of barrenness and discouragement (winter), and times of new dreams and ideas (spring). I thought about how without the winter, the spring would have no beauty. It is in contrast to the barrenness of winter that spring displays its magnificent colorful explosion.

My top 10 Fitness Facts

1. Being skinny hurts - the needed workouts leave one painfully sore.

2. The amount of workout time required to lose weight is grossly underestimated in government studies (30 min 3 times a week, please.... not with my body)

3. You WILL need to pee every time you get way far from home on a long run - so plan runs that loop back by your house.

4. Falling off the treadmill makes everybody in the gym stare at you and guffaw with laughter. I know this for a fact.

5. Rule of thumb on healthy eating - if it tastes good, spit it out.

6. Losing weight is hard - it's like carving a masterpiece from stone with a dull spoon. Gaining weight it easy - it's like setting fire to gasoline.

7. When everybody goes left and you go right in dance class, pretend that you are right and they are all wrong.

8. Gym mirrors add at least 35 pounds. You are not REALLY that large.

9. Shirt length must be tested before working out. Nothing like a shirt that doesn't cover the white jiggly belly when I get my arms up over my head lifting weights.

10. The rocks in the sink at Nautilus Lady are supposed to be there for decoration. It's not a mistake. So don't take them all out and pile them off to the side while you wash your hands and then carefully return them to avoid getting them wet.

Seriously, I have to laugh at myself often to keep after this fitness stuff. I feel much better when I work out at least 5 or 6 days a week, but it sure is challenging for me. If it just wasn't so hard, it would be easy. But then where would the pride be in that, right?

I will say that having Grace as a new workout partner is fun. It is definitely more fun to go to the gym with someone else, and the alone time with me makes her feel special and loved. I have long prayed for someone to join me in my fitness quest. It has been an extraordinarily lonely journey the last 18 months. It's cool that God seems to be answering that request with my own daughter.

A year in the mirror

Last January I joined Nautilus, a local gym. This was a huge moment in my life, a battle between my past and my future. I had reached a plateau at home and needed new horizons in order to continue my fitness. When I began trying to work out at the gym, I discovered much of my past that I had shoved into a closet and hidden. Standing in front of the mirrors brought back the past ghosts of an eating disorder that I imagined long gone. It seems those self doubts needed healing not hiding.

I have blogged my way through many of the ups and downs of working out this year. I have been honest here in my struggles with my value and self esteem. There have been bright moments as well as dark seasons. This year I have struggled more with doubt than I have in many years - struggling to find my worth apart from the number on the scales and the size of my jeans.

Working out at the gym meant seeing myself in mirrors from many angles. One morning I was doing a set of squats and caught a glimpse of my reflection. My first sympathetic thought, not realizing those were my legs, "That poor dear....cellulite is such a pain to get rid of." Then realization hit and the next thought was, "Dear God, when did THAT happen?" As I persisted, working out 5-6 days a week, I slowly saw results. However, I still attached value to the number on the tag of my jeans.

I have slacked off greatly this last semester. Between work, attending school, and family needs, I found very little time for exercise. I have gained back many of my pounds and more of my inches. I have avoided the gym, dreading to see my larger self in the mirrors. Feeling discouraged about the quick regression, I finally headed back to the gym this week, only to discover a beautiful change of heart happened somewhere along the way.

This week as I lifted weights, deliberately standing in front of the mirrors to check my form, I found a new peace. I realized that I did not despise the woman in the mirror for her weight gain, but instead applauded her for investing in the future - working at creating health to enjoy her children and someday her grandchildren. I was surprised to find myself mentally detached from the reflection and cheering her on, as if she were a stranger. "Come on, two more reps - you can do this!"

I wondered if it was a fluke, but the same thing was true in the workout classes this week. I found myself checking the mirror for form, not to see if I was a failure at the move. I am not necessarily any more graceful, or any less dancing dyslexic, but I did not beat myself up for those things. Instead I saw a woman determined to face her future with a healthy heart, a healthy body, and a laughing soul. If I went right when everybody else when left, I did it with gusto - I can burn calories being wrong just as easily as being right!

A year in the mirror - what a battle! But in the end, I like this woman that won. This is the woman that is less worried about her size compared to everybody else, and more concerned about being her own personal best. Whatever that size might be. This is a woman who is determined to invest her time in loving life, knowing that fitness is a critical component to mental and physical health.

Friday Night Lights

A pair of worn out sneakers on the feet, a little coldplay on the ipod, and the Friday night run begins. The weather is perfect - a cool breeze whipping through my hair and blowing across the sweat slipping down my arms - leaving goose bumps in its place.

But the most incredible part of the run is the lights. Not the streetlights, not the halloween lights on the neighbors' houses, but the stars. The stars are indescribable. They are crystal clear, distant, and bright. Running under the Friday night lights melts away the stress of life. For a few minutes there is no career, no parenting, no papers to write, nobody to please. For a few minutes it's just God and me, enjoying the stars.

Love me some Friday night lights - and you thought I was going to blog about football!

I can dance

10 years ago, unable to lift my feet to walk, I shuffled into physical therapy for my back. Three pregnancies in as many years had aggravated my scoliosis to the point where I was no longer able to move without crazy severe pain. It was the kind of pain that made childbirth feel good. Well, maybe not really, but it sure seemed that way at the time.

After studying the x-rays, and watching me attempt to twist and turn and bend, the physical therapist asked me to help set some goals for the therapy. Weeping, I said, "I just want to be able to dance in the kitchen with my babies without any pain." It was always one of my favorite things to crank the music up loud and just goof off with the kids on my tile kitchen "dance" floor. The physical therapist showed me the x-ray of my gnarled, twisted spine and with sympathetic eyes, gently chuckled. He said that I could probably learn to walk without severe pain, and lift my kids again, but I would never be able to run, mop, and most certainly never ever dance pain free.

For many seasons he was correct. With his help, I regained most of my mobility, but survived in constant, horrible, severe pain. I continued with the stretches and modifications that I learned and gradually resumed most of my normal life, with the occasional need for a muscle relaxer when my pain became more than I could bear.

Tonight as I was gyrating my way through zumba (a Latin aerobic dance class), I remembered his diagnosis and prognosis. It has been many years since I have even worried about how I am moving my back. It is true that my back is stiff and doesn't have total and complete movements, and there are several of the rolling, twisting moves that I have yet to master. It is true that when the rest of the class is doing sit ups, I flop like a beached whale because my lower back only bends to the side. It is true that I am not polished or smooth or even good at the dancing... but dancing I am. I am jumping, and leaping, and running, and lunging, and squatting, and rolling, and pumping, and well.....moving. With basically no pain at all. With no thought to whether or not the next movement will be the one that pushes me over the edge into the abyss of unbearable pain.

So tonight as I was watching myself in the mirror, I was not contemplating my size like I normally am, I was rejoicing that God chose to go the extra mile and give me my wish. My wish to be able to dance in the kitchen with my kids without pain. I would have been satisfied with just walking. But He gave me dancing.

How awesome is it that our God is like that! When all we need is to walk - but he gives us the pleasure of more. He lets us dance with absolute joy. I am glad that He is generous and allows us to experience the depths and pleasures of life and that He takes delight in us being delighted. Of course, I am talking about more than actually dancing in the kitchen. I am talking about food having flavors, and colors being vibrant, and music being lovely, and children being precious, and so much more. God gave us beauty. And tonight, I remembered to be thankful.

April Fools

Last year for April Fools, I posted on my facebook and twitter that I was considering taking a pole dancing aerobics class. Great for the abs, you know. The funny thing is that people knew it was a joke not because of the pole, but because I hated exercise. Lifting the remote was more than I liked to do.

Remembering that today made me realize how much life can change in a year. I love to run. I would choosing running over coffee any day of the week. That's coming from a chick that at one time considered it hard work to walk to the car at the end of the day.

Next year it would be cool if I could grow as much in my spiritual fitness as I did this year in my physical fitness. Way cool.

I don't have a problem

Sitting in a doctor's office for what seemed like forever yesterday with my daughter Grace, I finally had time to open and read my latest issue of Fitness. I quickly flipped through the usual articles - enjoying a few laughs with Grace. We had a great time making fun of the articles about how to incorporate your super expensive workout gear into your professional wardrobe - aerobic skirts doubling as office wear?!? I skimmed the beauty advice - most of that is way too much work for my low maintenance self. I was interested in the review of the most comfortable high heels until I realized the ones I liked were $300. That's a car payment - for shoes - they're not that cute!

I was the most excited about new exercise wear that incorporates slimming tummy panels - now that I could use. I need all the help I can get to look skinny in front of those atrociously humongous mirrors at the gym. Then I saw the pants were nearly $80. For sweat pants. I am not that seriously into fashion for my workout gear. Or even for my regular clothes. I don't remember the last time I paid more than $20 for any pair of pants.

I know, I know, get to the point, what does this have to do with a problem? Two things really made me stop and think in this month's issue. One was an add for New Balance running shoes. I loved the slogan, "Dear daily grind: save my spot. I'll be back in an hour." I thought that was a perfect encapsulation of why I run. I run to escape the daily grind and all of its stress for just a few minutes a day. That made me daydream about running. So I'm sitting in the doctors office, imagining my last run, daydreaming about running again soon, when I hit the article, "Confessions of a Cardioholic."

Cardioholic? What's a cardioholic? I've heard of women compulsively exercising to lose weight - often in conjunction with another eating disorder such as anorexia. However, this article broadened this definition to include people who cannot skip a work out because of the addiction to the endorphins. This article places estimates that more than 20 percent of people attending a gym regularly have this dependency. It's characterized by putting your workout before family and friends, workouts last 2 hours or longer, feeling a constant obligation to work out, compromise your safety to work out (example running at night alone), exercise even when you are sick, or when injured. Working out becomes a compulsion, an addiction, a way to escape rather than cope with life. Addicts find themselves thinking about their last workout and trying to plan for the next fix, the next high.

Okay, so honesty prevails here, right? I would probably just characterize myself in the very extreme enthusiast category. I love to run, but it does not completely control my life. I do find myself running on an injury, occasionally in unwise situations (after dark at a hotel in Atlanta comes to mind), but I can also enjoy hanging out with my friends, even if I have to skip my workout in order to do so. I do use running as an escape, but not to the point that I avoid coping with situations, it just diminishes the stress related to the situation. I do spend time thinking about running, but I don't know that I would qualify as an addict.

I will say that the addict phase would be easy to slip into. Especially in going to a gym and constantly comparing myself to the other women there. It is easy to see other gym rats, or instructors that have the body that I want and make unhealthy choices to get there. It is challenging to be at peace in my own skin and to exercise for the health benefits, for the strength and energy, and for the sheer enjoyment of the run, without worrying about the number on the scale or the size of my jeans.

Finding balance in life is always challenging, in anything people attempt.

A Late Bloomer

Today in my classroom, my children needed a reminder that we all bloom at different paces. I reminded them of where they started, barely reading, and how they have been blooming into chapter book readers slowly and at different paces. Some children were still discouraged by their progress, so I decided that it was time for a personal story.

"Boys and girls, recently I decided to try to learn to dance. I've been attending dance classes at a gym." (zumba, but go with me here) "I have learned that I am a late bloomer. My friends are able to keep up and go the right direction. They look elegant and get the steps all right. But me, not so much. But do I give up?"

In unison, "No, Mrs. Kemp you don't give up."

"I keep trying, thinking that I will bloom soon. Every time I get a little better, but I still have not bloomed." (My demonstrations of my dancing mistakes made them giggle) "Some of you are like me. You are not reading as well as your friends, and that makes you feel embarrassed and frustrated. But you have to keep trying."

We'll see if it hits home with my little friends. Discouragement can be the greatest weight that prevents learning from happening with small children. It struck me today that this is true with adults as well. Sometimes our discouragement and fear of failure can keep us from doing the hard and the great things in life.

I set out to teach my students, but I think that today they taught me.

OH I'M ANGRY NOW!

My body stores fat like a grizzly bear preparing for hibernation. I don't know why, but at 25, my metabolism curled up and absolutely died. The good news is that in the last ten years, it's not gotten much worse, but I still gain weight like crazy. For me, losing weight is like prying a lollipop from my 3 year old daughter's mouth. Good luck! For the last 10 years, I've used this metabolism issue as an excuse for toting around about 50 extra pounds. I had come to peace with the fact that God did not create all of us to be skinny people.

Knowing my family's history of diabetes and heart disease, I started working out about 6 months ago. I lost about 10 pounds, bringing my two year weight loss total up to around 25 pounds. That's great, right? Except that now I'm just plain mad. Ticked off. Hacked.

I went home for the holidays for 3 days. I ate anything I wanted, taking in approximately 2500 calories a day (Yes, I count my calories in my head subconsciously - too many years of eating issues, I guess). I came home with a new jacket for running at night, an armband to store my ipod, and 4 extra pounds.

At first, I was horribly upset. Then I was defeated. Why work hard if I can't even maintain the results? Is it really worth all the effort? I liked being lazy.

This morning I forced myself onto the weight machine. It is important to understand that I hate lifting weights. I can't listen to music while lifting because the bad words in my head are too loud for me to hear the music. I was about halfway through when I began to figure how many calories the average person has to consume to gain one pound. And then I gained 4 on what I ate? Oh, I got mad! I was slamming weights like nobody's business in the playroom.

I am done being owned and controlled by my body. I will not roll over and give up just because it works in strange and mysterious ways. I will not give up working out, and I will lose those 4 pounds.

Now nobody panic, I am not attempting purging or anything else unhealthy. I did workout 3 times today, attempting to shock my body into dumping the pounds. Sometimes when I hit a wall, I can push through it by putting my body into overdrive on working out.

My intention is that I will be healthy. I will not give in to defeat and discouragement. I will have my body fit and healthy and ready for whatever and wherever God takes me next.

Throw down the weights

I have been lifting weights for about 8 weeks, and I hate it! It's tough, it's boring, it keeps me from doing all the fun stuff I'd rather be doing. When school starts back up next week, my schedule will be infinitely busier than it currently is, so yesterday I sat down and tried to condense my lifting time from an hour and 15 minutes to just 30 minutes. I had to carefully look at each exercise in my plan to decide which ones worked identical muscle groups and discard those. Then I still needed to trim off a few minutes, so I had to look at the exercises again to prioritize which ones work my worst areas. I was grumbly about having to mess with this at all. Why wasn't I born with great genetics?

As I was messing with and grumbling about my weights, God brought to mind Hebrews 12:1-3. "Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us." (King James)

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." (NIV)

In my weight lifting program, all of the exercises that I am doing are beneficial. They are all good things. But I can't fit them all into my schedule. I find that in life I carry too many weights. There are many good things in life that I participate in that because of the time commitment involved prevent me from doing what God has planned for me to do.

Weights can be too heavy to carry. I am very limited on the amount of weight I can lift. I am very excited when I can move the pin down a notch on my weight machine. Yesterday I was doing some leg presses with a heavy weight, but I forgot to change the setting before I did my butterflies. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get the weights to even budge. There are burdens in my life like that. No matter how hard I try, I cannot carry them alone and they hinder me from serving Christ. I continually have to "check my setting" to make sure that I am not trying to lift burdens that Christ wants to carry for me.

I love the last part of the verse. Maybe because I love running. "let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Runners do not carry any extra weight. They wear very light clothing, some even shave their body hair to reduce their friction, and they run with empty hands. How silly would it be for an Olympic long distance runner to take off carrying heavy weights on his shoulders! He would be jeopardizing his chances for success. Yet I try to run my race with tons of extra stuff weighing me down. Is that not just as silly?

I am praying that God will keep my eyes open to be aware of things in my life that are too heavy for me to carry alone, as well as things that may not be bad, but are keeping me from doing the important things. I also like the perseverance part, or as another translation puts it, "keep running and don't give up." That's the secret to being a successful runner. When it becomes tough, the adrenaline rush is just about to happen. If I stop at that moment, then I am just defeated and tired. If I keep running, then I reach that supreme moment of adrenaline rush, and I build up my endurance. I am praying that God will give me the strength to run my race with endurance and to not give up.

Crossing over to the dark side

I have officially crossed over to the dark side. I absolutely love to run. I love that moment when I push my body hard enough that my brain becomes completely silent. The only sensations are the feeling of my feet hitting the pavement, and the burning of my chest as my breathing becomes labored. I love the wind whipping through my hair and best of all - being united with God's heart in worship.

For many years when I read in the Bible "Be still and know that I am God." I thought that meant to sit still, but even when I sit still I cannot make my mind be still. Even in prayer, my thoughts wander. I can be earnestly praying about a heavy need and next thing I know I'm planning my next reading group or worse, thinking sinful thoughts of some sort. Running is the only thing that I have discovered as a way to make my mind be still.

I started running 6 years ago when I was having a rough time in my marriage. I ran so that I did not have to think about all the garbage in my life. I ran to escape my life. But slowly the running turned into listening for God's opinion of the situation, being still enough in my mind to hear his voice. It dramatically changed my life, and I loved it. But then I started working and could no longer manage to schedule my run into my life. That first year of teaching is a killer.

This summer I have mostly done workout videos in the house because of the heat, but on these cooler days I am tying on my shoes and hitting the pavement. I am working on an interval plan that will have me running three miles in 12 weeks. Today I upped my running time and did quite well. Today I remembered how much I love to run. And how much easier it is to listen to God when my mind is not cluttered.

I figured out today that I could shuffle my Pandora stations to have a wider variety of worship music to listen to as I ran. That was cool. But the moment that really got to me was as I was running and listening to Tomlin's "How Great is our God" a cold wind began to blow. In perfect synchronization with the music's build, the wind increased until the trees were all bending over. I saw in that moment a picture of the day when all of creation will bow before our King. But what was even more amazing was that as the music shifted into "The Wonderful Cross," the wind continued to blow in my face and whip my hair into my eyes, but the trees were barely ruffled. It reminded me that Scripture talks about the Spirit as a "Great and Rushing Wind". As I listened to the music, God reminded me all over again that He has purchased my life to use as He wills. I need to be surrendered to Him and listening closely for directions from the One who set me free.

I will say a word of caution - as the trees were bowing, I got pretty lost in worship and instinctively closed my eyes and raised my hands. That's not a wise decision if you are running down a roughly paved road. I did not fall, but the stumble was pretty big. Some of you would have fallen from laughing so hard. The guy watering his yard was pretty tickled, and he doesn't even know me!

I love to see worship becoming more and more a part of my everyday life and not something that is isolated to Sunday morning. I love this new intimacy in my encounters with God. Even though I would love to stay in this moment with God, maybe wander over to the piano and continue worshiping, I have to get dressed and head to work. I do want you to know, especially you Crossroadies that are readers, I constantly pray as I worship alone in the middle of my everyday life that God will also bring you into worship. So that even though I may be worshiping alone, our hearts can be joined together in worship in God's throne room. And I desperately want each of you to be meeting with God in this beautiful and amazing way. Love you all. LaRissa

God lessons in a Pilates workout

Stick with me here, I promise I have a spiritual point at the end.

I have been horribly discouraged about working out. It seems to be really hard work for such small results. Monday I did a step video that kicked my butt. It was my own fault. I used a much taller step to try to up the intensity. Boy, did it. About halfway through I was done. I was dripping sweat and gasping for air. And the girls on the video never stopped smiling. Girls with tans, tight ripped abs, beautiful hair, and big white teeth. They never grimaced as we pushed harder, they never dripped sweat while leaping repeatedly into the air, they just smiled. Like stepford wives. I got really angry that it was so easy for them and started yelling at the T.V. It didn't change anything, but at least I made it through the workout.

Yesterday was a weight day. For me weights are very boring. I am isolated in the playroom counting reps and listening to music. Every weight day I try to increase weight and/or reps on at least three exercises. It was a hard day. I cried about having to work out. How did I ever get fat? Then I had a temper tantrum about having to work out. Why is it easy for some people to stay shapely? NOT FAIR! Finally I resigned myself to the ugly truth that sometimes life sucks and started lifting. I survived, but grumpily.

Today I was desperate for something new. I was still very sore and moody and decided to look online for a pilates video. Pilates are ballet based exercises that are designed to increase tone, flexibility, strength, and relaxation. I downloaded the top rated pilates video from netflix and started. I made it through the first 10 minute segment just fine. Then the next segment was abs. It was at the moment when I was supposed to roll slowly up off the floor while keeping both feet completely vertically pointed up at the ceiling and touch my nose to my knees that I started laughing. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the glass doors of the fireplace. I was flopping like a fish out of water. Be glad to demonstrate this for anybody that needs a good laugh.

I listened to the instructor's calm, soothing, slightly sultry voice continue with instructions. (I can do a great impression if you want to hear it) "Now roll slowly back down to the floor. Bring those vertical legs further back until your toes rest gently on the floor next to your head. Now push yourself up off the floor so that your weight rests entirely on your upper back." Are you kidding me? This woman is laying on her neck with her legs touching the floor behind her! Who can do that? REALLY? I couldn't stop laughing. I made the attempt while watching my reflection. Can say that it's been a really long time since I have been so amused. I'm not sure that I will see the desired results since I was laying in the floor screeching with laughter. I was glad Shawn was not home. He would have hurt himself laughing at me.

Oh yeah, I was going to make a spiritual connection. During the video, the instructor would say in her soft, soothing, sultry voice crazy things like, "Now we are going to do 'shave the head' watch me and follow along." Then she said, "Next, let's do 'the saw' watch me first, then try the move." "Let's try 'hug a tree' be sure to watch how I do this move." I was laughing really hard at the crazy names for the exercises, but once she demonstrated I could follow along. Or at least make an attempt. (unless I was laughing too hard to move) I realized that as believers some of our lingo must be just as confusing to new Christians. "quiet time, spiritual gifts, surrendered, etc." I like the notion of saying, "watch me first, then you try it." Wouldn't it be great to live life that way? Where at any moment you could say, "Are you having a hard time figuring out this Christ following stuff? Watch me." There are too many times where watching me would get somebody off track. I am asking God that I would keep growing so that my life can be a guide for people who are confused about what it means to follow Christ.

wii fit vs. wii trainer

Exercise is not my favorite. I am the queen of whining while I am exercising. Just ask the women that I worked out with every morning for several years. They joked about who would be the whiny butt whenever I had to miss.

However, I did recently realize that my physical limitations are more than just a lazy luxury on my part. I realized that my ability to be involved in ministry is definitely limited by my physical laziness. For example, say God needs somebody to go to Patagona. No way could I hike through the Andes mountains. Or on a more frequent basis....it's a killer to set up for church every Sunday when you are out of shape.

Okay....vanity too.... I don't like the fluffy midsection that magically appears in all my photos.

So...how to get in shape? What's effective for a lazy, unmotivated person? Well, I have tried everything at some point. Working out with friends is very effective for me, but my friends' schedules keep us from hooking up anymore. I attended exercise classes on a regular basis when the kids were little. But I have never been able to force myself to go to the gym alone, or to work out regularly by myself at the house. I can always find something else to do instead!

But, I'm giving it one more chance. I ordered wii fit and wii trainer. For those of you who are interested, wii fit is a video game based workout. You pick the game you want to play, and the game forces you to work out. The game keeps track of your weight, time exercised, and improved levels of fitness. I tried it out tonight... reluctantly. And after logging in over an hour of play time, I think I may like it. The kids ended up fighting me for turns on the thing. I had a great time, and am very sore. I will let you know how it all plays out in the end. Shawn hula hooping was awesome!!!!

Now for my opinion of the wii trainer. This does not require any extra equipment. It works similar to an exercise video. It also tracks your weight and fitness levels. It was not a "fun game" like the wii fit. However, it was superior to an exercise video in that it constantly adjusts the fitness program to meet your goals. Also adjusts difficulty based on your feedback. Not as cool as wii fit, but not a bad tool either. Much cheaper at $30 than the wii fit at over $100.

These are my initial impressions. I don't remember the last time I worked out for a couple of hours and wasn't whining. I'll keep you posted on the results. Especially after the new wears off and my schedule is back to its crazy self.