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Wednesday, September 3, 2008

A deep reflection

Blogging. It has been an interesting quest, a journey of sorts. It started as a way to stay accountable for my quiet time and allow my friends to keep in touch with what's going on with my busy life. Instead it has evolved into an important part of the day that I really look forward to. When all the kids are in bed, the house is quiet, and the lights are turned off, I am sitting at the computer for a few minutes - just me - alone. For a few moments in time, there are no expectations. I do not have to be anything for anybody. I am just me.

Many years ago, I was a devoted writer. I wrote short stories; I faithfully journaled. Then I had children. For many years it seemed that my life came to a screeching halt. Now don't misunderstand what I'm saying here - I love my children. I loved staying at home with my children. I am so thankful that God blessed me with children. I would not trade any of my time with them. I do not regret the path that I chose. But there was a part of me that missed - well - me. For so many years I have faithfully fulfilled a variety of roles in order to meet the needs of my family and ministry. Who I really was or wanted to be or grew up to become was an irrelevant quest that I occasionally wondered about in the wee hours of the morning.

In blogging I am rediscovering my heart. I am finding passion, and it seems that life is more than just my career or my "duties" as a mom. Life is so much bigger. It is an adventure to be embraced and enjoyed and lived. I

It has been really cool to explore the thoughts in my head - some worthy of exploration and some not so much - and see God's hand at work around me. It is interesting to get to know myself all over again. After not journaling for over 10 years, there have been a few surprises that I discovered about myself. It has also been scary for me as a very private person to be open in a forum where other people see and read my thoughts. I don't know if I will ever be entirely comfortable with people being inside my head, but at the same time it is really neat to hear their responses.

Every night I endure an internal struggle before I push the "publish" button. Being real and honest is not always easy for me. Pretending to have life all figured out and together is much easier. But I truly feel that fakeness is an abomination. Discovering my heart has been at times a very painful journey as God has dealt with my sin and rebellion and led me to write about it all.

So there it is - a deep reflection into the heart of a blogger. I don't know that anyone really cares to know all these introspective thoughts, but that's all I had tonight.

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